Some will get it! Hmm 🤔?¿
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Me: Yes, I’d like to schedule an appointment with the doctor
Receptionist: Of course. Do you have insurance?
Me: Yes, I do.
Receptionist: And this doctor is in your network?
Me: I’m not sure.
Receptionist: Ok, this will either be free or 11 million dollars. See you tomorrow!
Being a consultant would be fun. Like “hmmm… maybe! Here’s your invoice.”
Me: Do you think I’m fat?
Scale: Err
My current wife doesn’t like when I call her that
There is nothing sadder than waking and turning to see the love of your life’s face to find she has deflated in the night.
I was at the library, when people began throwing Stephen King novels around.
I could not figure out why. Then IT hit me.
During a prostate exam #BadTimesToHighFive
Time for my annual harsh but true fitness assessment in the Target fitting room 🙁
My 5yo’s teacher wore a Slytherin t-shirt to school and now I’m concerned about the type of magic my son might be learning
Looking for a man who wants to wear matching Cheetos pants with me. No weirdos.
I don’t need a sugar daddy. I need a chicken wing daddy.
A friend just texted me & asked for relationship advice. That’s like asking the pope to name all the members of Slipknot.
took my kids to the trampoline park and within minutes one of them was attending a stranger’s birthday party and the other one let me know that she had made an ‘enemy for life’
Everyone who works in customer service should legally be allowed to fight one customer a year.
My dentist said my teeth were stained and asked if I smoke or drink coffee? I said, “I drink it.”
Today, my 3 year-old yelled at me because I forgot to close the fridge, then reminded me to turn off the kitchen light.
He just needs to fall asleep during a movie and his transformation into me would be complete.
To whoever is going out with my ex, please step up your game because He is still texting me.
[grocery store]
Ok, milk… Check!
Eggs… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
So help me if I only taste dos leches in my tres leches cake
(making the first gang) and we all have to wear the same color. it’ll be cute.
if how you live this life is reflected by what you become in the next, i kinda wonder what grandpa did to come back as a pot pie?
Find you a woman that looks at you the way my ex wife looked at my best friend, his brother, my stepdad, my bother-in-law, a handful of her coworkers, a group of bikers at the local bar that one time, that one dude who lived in the apartment above us…
son: can I borrow your tie for my interview
dad: my what
son: I need a tie
dad: one more time
son: *sighs* your business necklace
My kids continue to fight over the last piece of this dessert, or as I call it, Devil’s Feud Cake.
I’m not fascinated by you unless you’re a potato
“Make him press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“He still there?”
“Give him 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
I flunked out of flight attendant school.
I was told to disarm the doors, so I said they looked fabulous and were clearly going places.
If a shark attacks you, punch him in the nose. And if that doesn’t work, use your severed arm to tickle his belly.
My dog just winked at me, and now I’m wondering just exactly what the two of us are keeping from the rest of the family.
being single sucks when u have to designate an emergency contact bc what? my dad’s gonna fly to burbank when i faint at a pilates studio?