Some will get it! Hmm 🤔?¿
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ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: No
ME: *writing ‘probably a snake’ in my notepad* Thank you.
me: i knocked through a fake wall in my bathroom and there was a whole secret furnished room behind there
friend: you live in an apartment complex
me: oh yeah
“Its odd how the Church just lets
pedophile’s grant forgiveness”Anyway…thats why I’m not allowed
in Confession anymore.
let me get this straight… your last 2 wives “accidentally” got their heads chopped off
ME: [picking up the surprise cake for my wife] I guess you could say I’m bringing home the bakin lol
CASHIER: I just can’t believe someone married you.
No more excuses…
…I’m canceling that gym membership.
[Bomb will explode in 26 seconds]
*googles “how to defuse a bomb”*
*clicks top result*
*it’s a 17-page slideshow.*
GODDAMMIT
*an ad plays*
Me: You have two options. You can do as you’re told, OR spend time alone in your room.
3: I’m adding another option!
Me: *
*totally unprepared for toddler negotiating skills.
A guy on Tinder just asked me what my Social Security Number was. I was so thrown – I’m really not used to men taking an interest in my life.
making threatening gestures at cows with my ice cream scoop
Hub: What time is our movie tonight?
Me: 7:30. It’s 2 hours 50 minutes
Hub: WHAT! I CANT STAY UP TILL 10:30
“Back off ladies. He’s mine”
The brake is on the left, the gas peddle is on the right, & the liquor store is 4 miles ahead.
-Me teaching my 3yr old niece how to drive
The kids are upset we’re having chicken and peas for dinner which means our dog is very happy we’re having chicken and peas for dinner.
Me: What’s wrong?
Wifi: You’re obsessed with the internet
Me: Give me one example
Wifi: Look how you’ve spelled wife
I got a call the other day from my daughter asking if I could keep her kids over the long weekend so I said that would be fine
I don’t have a daughter, so some poor bastard is getting stuck with kids this weekend that he’s not ready for
I was wondering how they got the sign to just float in midair like that. Now it makes sense.
NOO THERES A MOSQUITO IN MY ROOM AND IT WANTS ME. BAD
imagine getting fired from the sperm bank for drinking on the job and having to constantly clarify that
MAGICIAN: think of a card!
ME: ok.
MAGICIAN: is… this ur card?
[holds up card that says “UGH I HATE MAGIC SHOWS THIS IS CRAP”]
ME: holy crap
My bachelor party always end with a wedding.
Been watching a lot of Netflix documentaries & I think a really good way for me to make a lot of money is to find a rich woman & tell her I’m a vampire or some other crazy shit & she’ll just give me loads of cash.
If I had known “cuties” were little oranges when my wife asked me to “bring a few home,” I could have avoided these awkward introductions.
*Watching a commercial where someone is rock climbing*
*Do not attempt flashes across the screen*
Me: *hasn’t left the couch in 12 hours*
“Okay.”
Every time I go down the village there’s one less child and one more goose and I think we really need to make more ‘Do Not Drink’ warning signs for the cursed well.
He walked across the parking area explaining, “I’m going through a lot”
Don’t beat an alive horse either.
My bank just sent me an email starting with “we’re all in this together” and then told me my monthly fees are going up
My grandma got her bathroom redone with this sparkly gold-specked tile and she just called it her “golden shower” so goodnight.
Me: Are you done cleaning?
7-year-old: No.
Me: So what should you be doing?
7: Hiding.
She cleans like me.
I marched in a high school band, caught an armed robber, and sold girl scout cookies. All I was trying to do was find my car.