Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

{meeting a beautiful woman who is actually into me} This looks like a job for The Fumbler

ME: Ask me what the three most important things about egg storage are

WIFE: No. You’re just going to say something stupid

ME: I promise I won’t…Just ask me

WIFE: Okay, fine. What are the three most important things about egg stor-

ME: Yokation, yokation, yokation.

Me: haha why would I stop eating cheese because of what you heard in a horoscope

Doctor: stethoscope

I filled my brother’s shampoo bottle with olive oil and glitter last night. Have a great day in court, counselor!

Him: I don’t see nothin’ wrong-

Me: Let me just stop you right there *takes out Grammar Police badge, issues double negative citation*

We look weird together like two p’s in a ppod

Get off my lawn, Pokemon Go edition

My girlfriend just got the definition of mansplaining wrong and now I don’t know what to do.

Recorded myself talking in my sleep and I rhyme a lot. Somehow I’ve developed sleep rapnea.

Things that go bump in the night except it’s me sneaking back in from the pub.

Technology is moving so fast. My toaster just sprinted across the kitchen.

Patient: I’m going to miss you. If I need anything how do I reach you?
Me: Pentagram and a dead goat

When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.

The only lyrics I can make out in the song “Informer” are “Hey farrrrmer…something….a leaky boom boom cow”.
Not 100% sure though.

doctors won’t tell you this but reattaching a limb isn’t that hard what’s hard is getting it to stay after it’s had a taste of freedom

Why is it when you tell someone you had a dream about them they assume sex? Like no dude, I killed you

Friday

MAFIA BOSS: Did you take him out?

ME: Yeah we went to watch Black Panther

MAFIA BOSS: wtf I’m asking if he was blown away

ME: Oh definitely, it’s a pretty awesome movie

sometimes I worry that my diseases are saving up to move to a better person in a more desirable location

Sorry, can’t talk right now. Too busy thinking about how the only part of my reflection I can lick is my tongue.

Being a man is pretty cool because men get to have sex with women. Some men.. sometimes.

Even with an open schedule and no events, I still don’t “have enough time” to stay hydrated, apparently.

One week of daily crunches and I have abs…urdly underestimated how long it will take to see results.

3yo (in his car seat): Mommy, I want you to cross you legs like a pretzel.
Me (driving): Can’t do that, honey.
3: Well, that’s just the way things are today.
Me: No, honey, I’m driving.
3: 🙄 MOMMY. I am doing it in the car. It is EASY!

This is every influencer giving “advice.”

[drinking third bottle of smart water] when does this kick in

WANTED: Call center workers with very weak english, poor communication skills and short temper needed for major bank. Bonus paid for low IQ.

The local kid haircut place (the kind where you sit in cars and planes) closed unexpectedly for a month and all the little kids are wandering around town looking like Tom Hanks in Castaway right before he built that raft

I’ve finally had time to open the boxes in the basement. Well guess who is coming up smelling like vintage 80s English Leather.

Sleeping Beauty is my favorite story about how any sweet princess will activate her fire breathing dragon if you wake her up from a nap.