Some woman in this swimsuit department just said, “summer bodies are made in the winter” so I strangled her with my new beach wrap.
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You’d think the heat and humidity would steam some of the wrinkles out of my body
[In a cucumber submarine]
1st mate: *inspecting leak* we’re taking on saltwater captain
Cptn: hm yes looks like we’re in quite the pickle
For my next trick, I’ll be at a bar then magically reappear face down on my bedroom floor without a clue how I got there.
My parents were very inspirational, they used to say:
“You can do whatever you want in life, as long as you don’t do it here.”
90’s style insults need to come back.
Been itching to tell someone they need to go to the clue store to get one.
My wife almost fell down the stairs today and that got us into a heated argument whether my gasp was out of concern or excitement.
if we’re gonna be politically correct, the male counterpart to a mermaid is a merbutler
ME: What’s this about?
SECRET SERVICE: We can’t tell you
ME: I can take it
SS: *whispers* Your parents didn’t take your dog to a farm
NEWS ANCHOR: Here’s Gary with day 1 of his outdoor summer weather report.
GARY: [frying an egg on the sidewalk]
I quit. Back to you, John.
At what age do you have THE talk with your daughter about how she is not the princess of anything and she’ll need to get a job.
Is it 6?
What rank in the military do you need to get to before they let you be fat?
yea we make fun of the fact the business people in the jurassic park universe keep giving the green light to a theme park that kills like 75 people every couple of years just cause its profitable but damn if thats not the most realistic part lol
You be amazed how many times I’ve been wrong when people say “guess what” ?
I liked the movie Taken better the first time I saw it when it was called Finding Nemo.
When my neighbor’s bed starts rhythmically hitting the wall, I like to drum back. Last night, we had a real jam session going.
What am I gonna do with a river?
Could you cry me a beer?
3 just informed the cashier at Target, that mommy has a tiny mustache in her underwear.
So the weekend is off to a great start.
My 12yo busted into our room with a Nerf gun. She made eye contact with her dad and really went for it. My husband was sitting with our 6yo. He immediately turned into a force field to protect her. I have so much respect for that man because I would’ve used our 6yo as a shield.
so you’re saying i have to put these balls in my closet or moths will eat my sweaters? listen to yourself. you sound insane
Diet day 1
I have removed all the bad food from the house.
It was delicious.
Remember mad cow disease?
Good times.
Every so often I remember the gut-wrenching disappointment of 11th grade English when I read enough of The Great Gatsby to find out he was just some thirsty dork instead of a magician
I prefer the term “quirky”, it sounds less diagnosable.
My fear of ascending to the top of shopping malls is escalating.
Absolute worst time of year to have a secret family. Hands down.
If your rice gets wet, just put it in a bag of phones.
The claw machine proves that it only costs $1 to get mad
Yes, I have been awake since 5am. Just not a “productive member of society” level of awake. For that you need to wait until about 11:30am when I will wash up 5 mugs & send an email. Then I’ll get hungry & we’re back to square one.