Some woman in this swimsuit department just said, “summer bodies are made in the winter” so I strangled her with my new beach wrap.

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I love spending 20 mins wrapping cocktail weiners in croissant dough so the 3yo at the party can take off the ‘crust’ and eat just the ‘hotdog’.


You can try to take off my granny panties, but they’ll just grow back stronger.


I spray Lysol on Tide Pods before I eat them. Double protection!


A Harvard professor says I should only eat six French fries per serving. When I have PMS I can easily eat six Harvard professors in one sitting though.


*graham crackers
*lighter fluid

Cashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”



TORTURER: I’m gonna water-board u
ME: Hahaha, where u gonna find enough water
TORTURER: *takes Tupperware out of the dishwasher*
ME: Oh shit


The first thing I’m going to do when I’m rich is buy an airline flight for everyone who works at the DMV and then delay the flight forever.


Your ex asking if you can still be friends is like kidnappers saying “keep in touch” after they let you go.