The package says “Do not eat raw cookie dough” but all I really see is “Pillsbury hates you and doesn’t want you to be happy.”
Some woman in this swimsuit department just said, “summer bodies are made in the winter” so I strangled her with my new beach wrap.
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GUY: Do you want to play fantasy football?
ME: Okay, I’m a quarterback with wings
Dear Americans: It’s called snow. It’s cold and wet, but can’t hurt you from inside the house. It has no opposable thumbs. #AskCanada
Every day I’m hoping is the day we find out why Beth from FB had enough but didn’t want to talk about it.
Just think, if you had managed to squeeze in 20-30 minutes of running every day for the past month, you’d be really far from home right now.
GUY WHO INVENTED STEW:
I wish this plate of meat & vegetables was damp.
You’re like the menstrual cramp and bloating of people.
When I’m in a room full of toddlers, I can’t help but scan it for potential serial killers
Keeping tic-tacs in your pocket lets people know you’re more embarrassed of your breath than you are of sounding like a human maraca
I like how when you pull down on a paper towel dispenser you either get half a paper towel or half the roll.