@Donna_McCoy

Some woman in this swimsuit department just said, “summer bodies are made in the winter” so I strangled her with my new beach wrap.

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@3sunzzz

I love spending 20 mins wrapping cocktail weiners in croissant dough so the 3yo at the party can take off the ‘crust’ and eat just the ‘hotdog’.

@LoveNLunchmeat

You can try to take off my granny panties, but they’ll just grow back stronger.

@TheAlexNevil

I spray Lysol on Tide Pods before I eat them. Double protection!

@BoomBoomBetty

A Harvard professor says I should only eat six French fries per serving. When I have PMS I can easily eat six Harvard professors in one sitting though.

@Marlebean

*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matches

Cashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”

*wine
*tampons

@ArfMeasures

TORTURER: I’m gonna water-board u
ME: Hahaha, where u gonna find enough water
TORTURER: *takes Tupperware out of the dishwasher*
ME: Oh shit

@IAmMikeFeeney

The first thing I’m going to do when I’m rich is buy an airline flight for everyone who works at the DMV and then delay the flight forever.

@Cait_Plus_Eight

Your ex asking if you can still be friends is like kidnappers saying “keep in touch” after they let you go.