Some woman in this swimsuit department just said, “summer bodies are made in the winter” so I strangled her with my new beach wrap.
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I once saw a man walk barefoot across hot coals, and I thought, wow, he could’ve just walked around those. Idiot.
escape room concept (advanced): it’s Christmas and your family is asking why you’re still single
I just took enough Vicodin to kill a medium-sized Chipmunk. RIP Roy. Roy’s the hypothetical Chipmunk. I named him. Has anyone seen my legs??
If someone tells you you’re cute, ask them to name 3 other people they find cute so that you can react appropriately.
My toddler won’t go to sleep so I gave her a big kiss and told her that I love her very much but a little less after 9pm. She thought this was hilarious and is currently in her room cracking up, while I’m sitting here wondering how much her therapy bills are gonna be
contractor: I finished installing the secret entrances, death ray, and crocodile moat. all that is left is the payment
super villain: no
contractor: right, should’ve seen that coming
I would guard your potatoes so hard.
I once dated guy who talked so much about his ex-wife that I broke up with him and started dating her.
Killed another house plant but this time it was personal.
Batman’s Bat Signal was really banking on the fact that crimes only happened at night.
If you accidentally use Pam cooking spray instead of Off…
It still works, because the mosquitoes just slide off your legs.
Why isn’t there an egg flavored Gatorade you cowards?
Your Twitter Dom probably sits at the kids’ table during Thanksgiving
*gestures to my unmown yard*
“I’m choosing to let my yard grow wild, to help the pollinators.”
*waves at a stack of dirty dishes*
“This, too, is for the pollinators.”
*trips over a pile of dirty laundry”
“Pollinators.”
in addition to Lady Doritos, Doritos plans to make Alpha Male Doritos, which will be just shards of broken glass
Welcome to your 40’s. You’ll be mad if a neighbor doesn’t mow their lawn.
What if deer stare at our headlights because they’re trying to use the force to stop the car and when one actually stops their deer squad is in the woods watching and just losing their minds over it
gf: that guy hit on me, show him who’s boss
me: *whispering to guy* she is
Thanks for doing that thing that makes me feel like an idiot.
~Me to me
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little high.
Me: I have 4 kids.
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little low.
Wanna know why skeletons are so calm?
Because nothing gets under their skin.
Author: So, I’ve got this children’s book. It’s about a hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Pass
Author: A VERY hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Go on…
It’s very rare that a defibrillator fails
But when it does,
no one is shocked
True.
Starbucks says it will close 150 stores next year.
And that’s just in one mall.
Why are ghosts always just moaning? Did your manners die too? Use your words!
When I hear teenagers talk I wonder why there’s not a high school class dedicated to learning the definition of the word “literally”
Remember being a kid and looking up to adults because you thought they were smart?
LOL
No high school reunion for me. I can see most of them on Cops.
The possibility of there being cake will greatly affect my interest and/or possible involvement.