Some woman is out there right now pregnant with Leonardo Dicaprio’s next girlfriend.
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I was selling ad spots in a low budget print magazine. A dude sent an animated gif. I explained it’s printed. “So?” It won’t animate… “why not?” It’s on paper. “So?”
“Will you make something for the bake sale?” The PTA president approaches me cheerfully.
“Oh, no, last time I baked, I set the kitchen on fire,” I laugh lightly.
Then whisper: “And that time it wasn’t even on purpose.”
You travel 3500 miles to the breathtaking 15th-century mountaintop Inca citadel, Machu Picchu. The gift shop is not great.
*finds another dead plant on patio*
[shaking fist to sky] I can’t be the only one watering things around here!
Serving time in more than one prison is polyslamory.
My kid has been collecting money she finds around the house for years, I was short some cash and she let me borrow some, as long as I repay her, so now I owe her money for borrowing my money. Is it too soon to enroll her in business school?
Me: And when there was only one set of-
Jesus: Dude, just tell the cops there were TWO sets of footprints in the sand!
being human is disgusting sometimes but i don’t think i’d want to be a fish
me: father’s day means so much to us single dads
wife: uhhh…we’re married
me: right, but I’m the only dad
lady: omg your puppy is so cute whats his name
me: laser guardian
Oh boy, $150,000!
boss: why aren’t you getting your work done?
me: [staring at 5 hours of meetings on my calendar today] it’s a hell of a mystery really.
I definitely thought I would have shot the lock off of something by now in my life.
Hannibal Lecter: I don’t taste the girl scout in this cookie.
Not sure to be insulted or not, but I cleared out a room of coworkers just by announcing
“I have a plan, trust me”
People are ruining the word Daddy, my kids are going to have to call me ‘homie’ or some shit.
No Karen; a stable relationship is not
when you move in with the horses.
“What’s your greatest strength?”
Shadow puppetry
“Seriously?”
[interviewer presses intercom button] “Pat, please bring a flashlight in here”
The hoodie & shorts combo outfit, because you almost understand how body heat works.
Me: You have two options. You can do as you’re told, OR spend time alone in your room.
3: I’m adding another option!
Me: *
*totally unprepared for toddler negotiating skills.
Do I have a girlfriend!? Are you kidding me? DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH TOILET PAPER THOSE THINGS USE!?
“Groundhog” implies the existence of skyhogs, and that’s just frightening.
I just heard my husband quietly say to the baby, “you are really cute . . . do you think we’re cute too?”
I am laughing way too hard at this.
Not to brag or anything, but I can forget what I’m doing while I’m doing it.
[you cannot sleep while there are enemies nearby!]
Me: lol buddy…
What time will the Easter candy be discounted?
CVS: Mam, please stop calling us. We don’t know yet.
Ok. I’ll call back later.
It’s ‘before’ not ‘B4’…
We don’t speak Bingo here…
no one:
my 5yo: you can’t be mad without eyebrows
[Confessional Booth]
Me: My favorite sins are sins of the flesh.
Priest: FAVORITE SINS?!
Me: Why are you yelling? And gluttony, gluttony is a close 2nd.