Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Honey, you know the part in The 6th Sense when she drops his wedding ring & you realize he’s been dead the whole time? Well I want a divorce

I really have to stop ending sentences with, “you’ll be sorry, you will all be sorry!”

Husband: I’m going to turn off the gps and just drive

Me: Last words from the urban liberals as they drive into the rural mountains blasting classical music looking to get closer to nature from the comfort of their SUV before they’re chainsawed and cannibalized by the locals

Yes officer, I know my driving is not 100% perfect, but you have to agree that it is still pretty good for someone who is completely drunk.

“Experts” need to stop blaming that 2020 Halloween candy shortage on me.

“I have to poop”

~What teenagers say when they don’t want to do something you’ve asked them to do

Every day I try to learn from the mistakes of people who took my advice.

Me: I don’t care if schools open, you’re not going.

13: I am going! You’re not using this as an opportunity to live out your homeschool mom fantasies.

Me: Please. My fantasies involve boarding schools. Get over yourself.

*after five days of storms with record rainfall remembers to turn off sprinkler system*

*grass dies due to lack of water*

❎ Client not paid?
✅ Add opacity to the body tag and increase it every day until their site completely fades away

Getting pretty tired of Vin Diesel hopping into the passenger seat yelling “PUNCH IT” when I am just trying to eat my lunch alone in my car

The best part of the Titanic is when Rose is holding onto Jack and she’s all like, ‘I’ll never let go’ and then she lets go.

I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily

But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special

So my mom suggested today that I use Twitter to find a boyfriend. I told her that only works if you’re already married.

Her: What’s with the bunny?

Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”

Her: Why?

Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.

“They say some of history’s greatest minds could function on very little sleep” I explain to squirrel as I water the car at 4am

You ever think about how our ancestors were hunters and gatherers and now you can go to a supermarket and buy a robot that cleans your floor

Replace his deodorant with a glue stick so he thinks of you every time he tries to raise his arm to put around the shoulders of another girl

KATY PERRY: Can I use a real tiger?
NFL: No way, that would be dumb.
KATY PERRY: Oh I’ll show you dumb.

I am woman, watch me fit 94 bottles of shampoo and 15 different body washes on my shower ledge

Thinking about that one comedy anime gag that always seemed to show up in the 2000s, I never knew what that was called

LAWYER: ur dad’s estate—
ME: who called it executing a will instead of splittin heirs
L: he said if u made a dumb joke u get nothing
M: shit

This pumpkin spice toilet paper seems unnecessary, but I’ll taste it nonetheless.

On Christmas Eve remember to take a Lexus out for a 24-hour test drive and park it in your neighbor’s driveway with a giant bow on it.

There’s no way I’m the only person who thinks Kristen Stewart is doing the world’s best Garfield impression.

Every video my wife has taken with her phone has me in it saying, “Are you taking a video?”

I’m doing the 30 day taco cleanse

The main difference between my dog and my kid is my dog responds to her name being called