Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Photographer: Ok, let’s get a good natural smile. Relax and just let it happen.

Me:

Losing weight to be attractive is weird. I see you shrunk your body slightly. Now I want you.

A hammock is a terrible place to give or receive bad news.

Glad I’m not a general, because auto-correct just changed “lunch order” to “launch order.”

Travelers diarrhea is my favorite illness. You cheat at basketball you get what’s coming to you.

At the gas station just now a nickel fell out of my pocket and hit my shoe before landing perfectly on its side. Turned around to show the guy standing behind me in line and he was blown away and said “that’s how you know none of this is real”

Guys named Hugh are 75% ugh

Guys love being called “daddy” until the pregnancy test comes back positive!! 😆😆

my first day as a raccoon

HOW DO I CONVINCE EVERYONE THAT I’M NOT UPSET SOMEONE STOLE MY CAPS LOCK KEY?

Fitbit says it’s time to chase another victim through the cornfield.

Tweriod: That time of the month when all my tweets are moody, retain water and are about chocolate and cheesecake

i hate when you’re boiling an egg and it gets a crack in it and the egg’s ghost escapes. very scary and i don’t like it

DOG: *prancing and enthusiastically wagging*

WIFE: the dog got the mail again

ME: damn, why does she only chew up the ones addressed to me?

WIFE: because she knows you hate bills

ME: …

DOG: *still wagging*

ME: WHO’S A GOOD GIRL?!

The easiest way to woo a girl is show up to her door with a loaf of garlic bread

[8 AM]

Wife [walking into living room]: What time did you get up?
Me: 5 AM.
Wife: But it’s the weekend! WHY SO EARLY?!
Me [sipping coffee]: I’ve had 3 kid-free hours of silence.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: Why didn’t you wake me?

Can’t. Busy training my new cat to bite people who show up unannounced

Him: You smell nice, what is it?
Me: Chips and dip.

[Hospital front desk]

“Yeah my wife is here for weight loss surg-”

*wife hits me*

“Baby delivery, I mean she’s here to deliver a baby”

5: I miss Mama’s food.

Me: oh, sweetie. That’s so nice. I’m sorry I haven’t cooked more lately.

5: I said Mama Fu’s. The place with the Ninja noodles.

Me: oh.

5: Haha, you thought I missed your food.

I don’t have time to get to know you

Be cool immediately

I think I was like 19 years old before I realized pirates had English accents

Scientist 1: I don’t care if you discovered it, we are not naming it THAT
Me: Naming what?
Scientist 2: You know what IT is.
Me: Ohhhh The Hugh Manatee

Scientists start rage screaming

absolutely pissing myself over this police chase in LA. man running from police. going over 100mph. but still religiously using his blinker

Me: Table for four, please. And can we get some crayons?
Her: Will there be children dining today?
Me: No. The crayons are for me.

The cable company told me they would send a guy out and I need to be home between the hours of 1pm and 2014.

ew! gross! people in other countries eat animals that we keep as pets! surely my western worldview is the universal standard of morality and im not being racist at all

GUY 1: a bee flew in my eye
GUY 2: I just ate a bird
GUY IN BACK: I can’t hear u
TOGETHER: there must be a better way
NARRATOR: windshields

gonna start calling my years long dry spell ‘sexual discipline’ so I don’t sound so pathetic

The One that Got Away… a memoir of a french fry lost in a crevice beside the driver’s seat and the aroma that made it impossible to forget.