Some women can shave their heads and look like goddesses. If I shaved my head, I would look like roll-on deodorant.
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People must think I’m a comforting presence because I often hear “Security!” wherever I go.
*brings knife to gunfight*
*knife used to cut pizza*
*pizza served & differences resolved*
*last slice up for grabs & gunfight ensues*
vampire: *goes to bite me*
me: ohhh nooo don’t make me immortal and super strong and sexy aaaahhh
[airplane intercom]
good afternoon ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking why did you leave without me
“Slow down, it’s not a race,” I tell my kids because I want that last piece of pizza.
You don’t have to make the same mistakes your parents made. An ambitious person makes new mistakes.
I’ve had some terrible ideas but never “chili restaurant in an airport” bad
Me: In closing, your honour, you put the gem in judgement. *winks*
Judge: *blushing and smiling* What, no I don’t. Stop it.
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: rewatching Frozen.
Wife: why?
Me: so I know what’s going on when I take our Daughter to see Frozen II.
Wife: why?
Me: so we can talk about both movies on the drive home.
Wife: why?
Me: cause she loves Frozen and I want to share this with her.
My 6 year old says “Mom, I know” when I correct her and it makes me so excited for the teenage years.
My kids ask me the dumbest shit when I’m driving like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
Shout out to the top 5 drops in the world, gum, rain, eaves, shop ’til you and you could hear a pin.
White Walkers need coffee too #WinterIsHere
The name England comes from the words ‘engorged’ and ‘gland’ inspired, of course, by the shape of the country.
Brandy Carlile implies the existence of Whiskey Buscrocodile.
Dishwasher: *starts*
Peanut butter on knife: LMAO
You’re digging a deep hole in the sand. Your mother asks if you’re digging to China. You check your pocket globe.
beyoncé communicating with the dead is what i would call a seyoncé.
I plan on spending the weekend in a vintage perfume ad (walking, staring, hair, wind).
If you hear one of the high piano keys repeating slowly, you’re either watching a trailer for a horror movie, or you are a parent.
God: you can climb trees, go on land and swim in water.
Snake: OMG, really?
God: pretty cool right!
Snake: you didn’t have to do all this!
God: it was nothing
Snake: so how fast can I run?
God:
Snake: I bet I can run really fast!
God:
Snake: so fast on my legs!
that feeling when you hold her face in your hands & gaze into her eyes like she’s the universe, then u think “wait a minute, who’s driving”
For $49.95, I will name your dog, your cat, your turtle, or your baby. (The name will be “Dave”.)
Son, there’s no need for a paternity test. I knew you were mine when you came prematurely.
Me: my tooth hurts when I suck
Dentist: so you’re in constant pain
House is clean. Time to sell the children and move.
Chicago sounds lovely.
The cashier told me to have a good holiday like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats, and hummus suggests anything else.
you idiots wanna bring back the 90s but I haven’t seen a single zigzag part in anybody’s hair
which bird do you think most deserves to be punched in the face and why is it a goose