Some women can shave their heads and look like goddesses. If I shaved my head, I would look like roll-on deodorant.
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God: check this out
Angel: [peering down at Earth] wow it’s chaos down there, what did you do
God: I made parking cost $10
[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a light grey
Me: …
My dog: if that helps
By my second “could we change the subject?” I could feel the job interview going south.
Seriously though: Facebook is a wasteland, Twitter in turmoil, Instagram has collapsed trying to be TikTok, and TikTok isn’t a social network. If you wanted to start a social network, this would be the best time in 10 years to try that.
I asked a patient (accompanied by his wife & teenage son) if he exercises? He said, ‘Of course!’ & his wife, in unison, said ‘Not at all!’
I looked at the teenager. He said, ‘Dad goes out with his gym bag but I can’t say for sure if he exercises!’
That boy is a future diplomat.
My husband gives people the thumbs down instead of flicking them off from the car. He reports that the thumbs down makes people even more mad.
Horrifying if literal: Robert Burns
The neighbors left a perfectly good doll at the curb with their trash and I’ve seen enough horror movies to know to leave it there.
Friend: How long till school starts?
Me: 8 days, 13 hours, 26 mins, 14 secs.
Zoom / MS Teams calls are the best places to see miracles happening.
Someone gets disconnected and everyone pronounces, ‘I think we lost her.’
Then they rejoin and say, ‘Hey, I’m back.’
The monocle was popular in the 1800’s because ears hadn’t been invented yet.
[electric chair]
“Any requests for your final minutes?”
“Yeh, I want the last episode of Lost explained.”
*acquitted on a technicality
Sometimes twitter makes sense and other times, people are blocking Mr. Peanut. Stop being so weird, y’all.
When you let grandma cat sit
Life begins and ends with diaper rash, so enjoy the time in between.
Don’t you love it when you’re doing a nude selfie in a leather harness and you accidentally press answer on your mom’s face time?
“Make him press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“He still there?”
“Give him 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
why are the variants starting to sound like new iphones 😭
*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing, kids. Wolves don’t have lips so they can’t blow at all. That wolf was framed.
when i was in elementary school we learned about a shape called a rhombus & that was the last time i ever heard about that shape ever again
I totally get your eyebrows.
My bank account is overdrawn, too.
When asked by the creepy guy at the bar “Why aren’t you smiling?” my go-to answer is always “My yeast infection really is bubbling up.”
HIM: you promise you’re not an octopus?
ME: of course not silly
HIM: good. come in & meet my family
ME: *hugs all 4 of them at once*
I sneezed so many times I can now hear the color blue
I will never get over the fact that a-hole and b-hole are the exact same thing
Her: I’d really love some flowers.
Him: Orchids?
Her: No, just flowers.
If you feed your kitten Muscle Milk it will become a tiger in as little as 90 days or you get your money back.
[trapped in the trunk of a car]
him: hey what’s up
me: *forgets why I called* lol not much
The kids were being so annoying at bedtime last night, I threatened to take them back in time and put them to bed early.
I’m a real gym rat (i go there at night and eat their garbage)