Ugh I hate living next to an art school I dragged an old couch outside and a bunch of dudes came over and they’re just taking pictures of it
Some women have mood swings… others have mood theme parks.
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next time you hear The Boys Are Back In Town think of me, the unsung hero, who chases the boys out of town with a broom
2 atoms of helium acting funny ~ HeHe
I just hit a Smart car and now it’s my hood ornament.
Her: Explain Twitter to me
Me: Know what sharks did to the Indianapolis’ crew when it sank?
Me: Much the same, just less compassion
A white man beaten with a wheel of Parmesan claims it was a hate crime. Cheese on cracker investigation begins.
My 75 y/o mom has cataracts & is a bit colorblind now.
She gave my 11 y/o son a pink sweatshirt she thought was orange.
I’m gonna write on the back “don’t laugh I got this from your girlfriends house last night.”
Neither 11 nor mom think that’s funny.
English husband: How’s it going in America
Me: People are shooting at the weather
At what age do kids learn to close doors after they’ve walked through them? I think it might be 29.