@Only_Fast_Eddie

Some women have mood swings… others have mood theme parks.

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@shutupmikeginn

Ugh I hate living next to an art school I dragged an old couch outside and a bunch of dudes came over and they’re just taking pictures of it

@wolfpupy

next time you hear The Boys Are Back In Town think of me, the unsung hero, who chases the boys out of town with a broom

@Gupton68

Her: Explain Twitter to me

Me: Know what sharks did to the Indianapolis’ crew when it sank?

H: Yes

Me: Much the same, just less compassion

@FrauFickenDammt

A white man beaten with a wheel of Parmesan claims it was a hate crime. Cheese on cracker investigation begins.

@SudsBitches

My 75 y/o mom has cataracts & is a bit colorblind now.
She gave my 11 y/o son a pink sweatshirt she thought was orange.
I’m gonna write on the back “don’t laugh I got this from your girlfriends house last night.”
Neither 11 nor mom think that’s funny.

@AmberTozer

English husband: How’s it going in America
Me: People are shooting at the weather

@threetimedaddy

At what age do kids learn to close doors after they’ve walked through them? I think it might be 29.