Bat 1: Do you ever think God made us blind so that we may see the world for what it truly is?
Bat 2: (startled) who said that
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On your deathbed tell everyone “pray for me” then make sure to leave a note to be opened after you die that says “pray harder next time”
Pigeons always look like they’re jamming out to an invisible iPod.
Me: I could never be a lawyer. Too many details to remember
Also me: [argument w/bf] I’d like to bring the defendant’s attention to Argument Transcript B: article 5, section 2; subsection 2(c) CLEARLY shows defendant made the waitress laugh, THRICE, at dinner last Saturday night
hot girls be like I know a place and it’s this
My friend said she loves to be scared so I dropped her expensive makeup compact onto the floor
that feeling when you hold her face in your hands & gaze into her eyes like she’s the universe, then u think “wait a minute, who’s driving”
Jaws is exceptionally funny if you just imagine the shark is trying to be friends with the guys on the boat and they keep running away.
Tomb = Toom
Womb = Woom
Bomb = Boom
Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office is in big trouble. You have my Word.
I do not delete bad tweets that get no stars… I let them sit there and think about what they’ve done…
The Internet: An electronic version of, “Now, why did I walk into this room?”
If there’s a movie about Elon, I want him to be played by Kathy Bates.
I’m not the person to call if you need someone to stop you splurging on 10 new books. I’m the one that will hand you the 11th
I’m not a regular Mom.
I’m a “YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR VIDEO GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!” Mom.
“Somebody needs to go to the store!”-mom yelling from the kitchen
“Jason, you think you’re somebody. Why don’t you go to the store?”- Dad
“I’m constantly quoting myself. Like right now, for instance.”
I just said that.
8: momma why didn’t you swim?
Me: I wasn’t in the mood and not a big fan of swimming.
8: well I’m not ever in the mood or a fan of school and I have to do that.
Pretty sure the guy infront of me at McDonald’s ordered the rest of the food.
“Kids today are pathetic” is NOT a good take from the generation raising today’s kids. It’s like giving a bad Yelp review to the restaurant you run.
[first date]
HER: Aww, look at that poor old woman at the table in the corner, sitting all alone.
ME: That’s my mom. She wanted to check you out.
MOM: *shakes head, makes throat-cutting gesture*
ME: Don’t worry. That means she likes you.
I wrote a check today at the grocery store and then I left and got on my horse and buggy and slowly drove away.
I, too, enjoy McDonald’s sausage biscuits. We will dialogue further, you and I.
German couples probably have less arguments because there’s an exact word for, “I’m fine, just annoyed you forgot the milk again”
“thank you all for coming to my crisis” i say as i turn to face everyone in the elevator
My baby’s daycare teacher said tomorrow is pajama day which is awkward because I send him wearing pajamas every day
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m a family of 8.
Doctor told me I only have 6 months to live, maybe 12 if I get enough likes on Facebook.
It’s said that it takes 43 muscles to frown, but only 17 to smile which is why my face is ripped as hell
The doctor said to treat my daughter’s scratch with alcohol, so I kissed it.
“You use your birthdate as your password?!?! Was ‘1234’ taken?” – me, as a spy.