Some women seated next to me are gossiping in French, they obviously think I’m some dumb American who doesn’t speak French and they are correct
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Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”
She asked “Which one?”
Me “William, HELLO!”
my wife says nobody needs to buy cowboy hats for squirrels but I pointed out none of the squirrels have cowboy hats. It’s an untapped market.
Just overheard someone say they need an “escape goat” for their project & I can’t decide if they’re a complete idiot or an evil genius.
Publisher handing my horror novel back to me with shaking hands: you need to lose the pop-ups
If you ever find a partially eaten grilled cheese sandwich at my house call the police.
me: damn, can’t use the gps, my phone is dead
friend: it’s cool, we have a map
me: nice, we can find a place to charge my phone
Because everyone in Italy is quarantined, the natural wildlife has returned to the water and forests ❤️ We are the virus
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Landlord just came in the office and inserted £100 in my cleavage. I would question my professional integrity but £100! Wooo hooo.
My daughter once asked me “If you were a fruit and you had one wish, what would you wish for?”
So far all my ideas have been rejected as not “fruit appropriate”
Have I done my taxes? No. Have I sent myself an email with the subject line “DO TAXES”? Yes, and that is half the battle.
Me: I hope I get a good night’s sleep.
My dog at 1 AM: Hey I just did a huge diarrhea on the carpet.
There’s a line in 30 rock where Kenneth mentions that the mayor of his hometown is a female horse and I just today realized a female horse is called a mare. She’s the mare of the town.
My husband is turning 58 tomorrow. Join me wishing him “Jesus, you’re how old?”
At this point my intestine is just a water slide for tacos.
If all your friends jumped off a bridge would you follow them?
Machine learning algorithm: yes.
First time at a chinese supermarket. Staff: “What u want?” Me: “What’s dead?”
That’s why you always keep moving. Don’t leave a digital footprint. Get a new identity, cut ties with family and friends. Keep a go-bag behind your bedroom drywall, stop watching reality TV.
That last one doesn’t have anything to do with being on the run, it’s just a good idea
It was my nieces birthday recently so I asked my sister what present I should get her. She said “you can’t really go wrong with Frozen stuff”.
So I got her a bag of peas.
New slogan for cats: “Ever go to the zoo and want to snuggle a tiger but don’t want to die? Cats.”
yeah I dunno, “our landlord is mistreating us” and “we can’t get fresh meat” seems like two problems that solve each other
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‘That one hates me – I’ll lay on him.’
~cats
It was a drink directly from the bottle kind of day
Opens the bottle of hot sauce
Me: *checking weather on phone*
3: Mommy, are you texting Peppa Pig?
Me:
3:
Me: Yes, we go way back.
My back hurts too much to lean over anymore, going to have to resort to picking things up with a deep curtsy.
I just want to put my hair in a cute little messy bun and not look like a sumo wrestler.
Heard someone say their charcuterie house looks too good to eat and I don’t think they know how cheese works.
No matter how lazy you feel, just remember that Goldilocks decided to take a nap during a b&e.
Who called it a French guy that has a cat rather than Jean clawed?
It was the kind of movie that kept you on the edge of your seat, waiting for something interesting to happen.