Some women seated next to me are gossiping in French, they obviously think I’m some dumb American who doesn’t speak French and they are correct
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I’ve started insulting people exclusively with bird names, if you don’t like it then cope you red breasted nuthatch
*on a first date*
Me: I’m in financ-
Her: oh finance that’s cool
Me: ial debt. Crippling financial debt
You can’t hurt my feelings, pffft, I have three kids
WIFE: *on our wedding night* Today was just perfect, wasn’t it?
ME: [remembering how I wanted a falcon to burst out of the cake but was told no] Not really Sharon, tbh.
The Snickerdoodle is the most sarcastic of the dog breeds
No one:
My 3yo: H I J K Elmo Elmo P
Parents who say they love their children unconditionally have obviously never had a kid choose tuba as their band instrument.
Sometimes, I’m impatient and intolerant.
But other times, I’m sleeping.
We can’t land research equipment on Venus because the heat melts the circuitry, so NASA should build rovers made from fat-free cheese because nothing can melt that garbage.
When friends or family ask me if I’m going to have another baby, I just gesture at the chaos of my life and yell, “ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?”
liiiiiiiiike
Accidentally cut myself while slicing a mango and now I’m a weremango
@KrangTNelson @funTweeters I am not a millennial, I am straight out the the 70’s and I make up new words to suite myself. Like you don’t get a spoonful of mashed potatoes you get a thwack of mashed potatoes because that is the sound it makes when they hit your plate thwack.
My phone says connected but somehow I don’t feel it
What’s the game you play that when you lose you never regret it?
Russian roulette.
A guy on a scooter just yelled at me for being on my phone at a red light so I yelled at him for being on a scooter
The fastest I ever ended a blind date was when I asked her to tell me about herself and she replied “Well, I’m a Gryffindor”
[at the store]
Me: Your powers are weak, old man
Wife: …
Me: The force is strong with this one
Wife: …
Me: Together we can rule the galaxy
Wife: …
Me: Luuuuuuuke, I am your father
Wife: Can you just pick out a damn fan already?
A turn signal, but if you use it, your car catches on fire
~ the guy in front of me, apparently
He died doing what he loved – meeting people from Craigslist to buy furniture.
Never eat ice cream while chatting online. Sister: why are you typing so slowly Me: well my other hands busy. She hasnt replied yet.
If you don’t have a panini press just heat up your corduroys and sit on your sandwich. Why do I have to solve all the hard problems
I met my amazing husband in my 30s on OkCupid and you can too! I don’t think he ever deleted his profile
Dad loved to say “there’s no price tag, must be free,” or, “there’s no expiration date, must be good,” now we hardly talk except when he calls from jail with food poisoning.
The decibel level of my car singing is not commensurate with my talent
I’ve ALWAYS said “A sport is not a sport unless you can play it while shitting.”
My son cuddled up to my bump and was talking about how he could see the baby and it would have been cute if I were pregnant.
*looks at fish tank
6: It’s part cat and part fish?
Me: No it’s just a fish
*Catfish maintains eye contact while pushing over treasure chest
Eleven out of ten people are stupid.