some women wear fake wedding rings in public so they don’t get hit on but I swear by my floor-length victorian widow’s veil
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me: i’d love* to go to your neighborhood block** party, Carol, sign me up***
*hate
**gossip
***i’d rather eat worms
WIFE: get down here!
ME: *from telephone wire* I’m with my friends
WIFE: why are u wearing fake wings?
ME: *to bird next to me* they’re real
Two deer walk out of a bar. The one deer says to the other, “I can’t believe I blew 40 bucks in there!”
Sorry, I had nothing this morning, I’ll see myself out.
I dropped food on the floor and my dog got excited but it was just tomato. I catfished my dog
i kept all our old baby gates to make sure no new babies got IN the house.
The Lion King is probably my favorite children’s movie about running away from your problems until you’re strong enough to kill your uncle.
Client, “I should have known this marriage was going to fail when he hid my engagement ring in a gas station taquito.”
My 7yo learned that a seal in French is a “phoque” and like every Canadian child before her, she is enjoying this sweet swear loophole to its fullest
You see some crazy stuff when you’re out late at night smearing raccoon blood on your neighbours windows.
My toddler woke up, saw her shadow, and predicted 6 hours of anarchy.
*wakes up the guy next to me* wow theres a sleepy boy here on this plane haha. Im on business myself. tryin to see if iceland is made of ice
Dr. Reverse Psychology: Fine, have it your way, hero.
Captain Resplendent: Aghhh! Reverse psychology. My only weakness.
DRP: Muahahaha!
CR: *weakening* It’s my… only… Kreeptonite.
DRP: Oh no! Mispronounciations are my Kryptonite.
CR: Kreeptonite.
DRP: *weakens further*.
Apparently hitting a butterfly with my car is “not a valid reason to call 911” and I “need to grow up”
When my girl was five I was reading to her from a little book about George Washington.
Me: As a boy he liked to ride horses and fish.
Her: He liked to ride fish?!
It’s been nine years but in my mind he’s still riding that big beautiful fish.
If I ever die on some hill, rest assured, something fishy is going on.
Give me your crispy noodles and no one gets hurt.
[God creating the octopus]
Idk, maybe make it look like the time I tried to cram the old pool noddles into a trash bag.
Alanis Morissette should write a chemistry book titled Isn’t It Ionic?
[approaches outdoor cafe holding balloon w/face drawn on it]
Hello table for two ple- [large gust carries balloon away] OH NO MY WIFE
Your kids paranoid there’s a monster under their bed? Have I got a holiday for you.
Animal poetry
17 year-old Malia Obama playing beer pong is the most outrageous thing the child of a president has done since George W. Bush invaded Iraq
I’ve never texted someone to let them know I made it home safe. Shoulda come with me if you wanted details
Ad: Buy junk food.
Me: OK.Ad: Buy alcohol.
Me: OK.Ad: Work out.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
I am only one bad decision away from selling pictures of my feet covered in cookie dough to strangers on the internet.
Can you even call yourself a family if you’re not making at least one person upset with what you’re serving for dinner?
People who talk to themselves are more intelligent then those who don’t, or at least that’s what I like to tell myself.
Aging is the worst. I miss the good ol’ days when my pain was strictly emotional.
[demon possessing me is forcing me to walk into a chapel]
Me: are you breaking up with me?!
Demon: no- wait, do you actually think we’re a couple?
Me: *shyly blushing* well, you are inside of me
Demon: why are you this way
ME: When I die, I want to be cremated.
GLOBAL WARMING: Let me save you a step.