some women wear fake wedding rings in public so they don’t get hit on but I swear by my floor-length victorian widow’s veil
You Might Also Like
Me: *Asks question on snapchat*
Them: *Answers question on snapchat*
Me: “Wait, what did I ask again?”
Me: Shhh, your brother is still sleeping.
4yo: *runs upstairs
CRASH
JUMP
“Wake up!”
SLAM
*runs back downstairs
“No, he’s not.”
I hate when I give people nicknames like “stupid face” on my phone and I cant remember who the stupid face is.
friend: how long have you had that bourbon?
me: 20 years.
friend: why don’t you just drink it?
me: drinking age is 21 dude.
I love when my friends start selling weight loss shakes because that’s one less person I ever have to talk to again.
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my 4th cup of French onion soup.
me: who wants to play two truths and a lie
guy who named the red delicious apple: me first
“Only real heroes run towards danger” I think to myself while hiding from my whining children.
Bad news.
Jim Morrison is dead.
Remember kids, those light up sneakers won’t seem so cool when wolves are chasing you through the woods at night.
Nice hourglass figure, girl. Wanna come back to my place and stand on your head so my friends and I can keep time while we play Pictionary?
yeah jesus turned water to wine, but yankee doodle turning a feather in a hat to macaroni is next level
me: hey, you wanna get outta here?
museum guide: lady, i already told you they don’t come alive at night. please get away from the david statue
Bank robber: everyone get down now!
me *starts dancing frantically*
When you go on vacation because your significant other wants to and you want to avoid a fight.
Placation.
“What if I took the dumbest person I know, got them severely drunk, and challenged them to finish my sentences?” — inventor of Autocorrect
Just listed my wife as my emergency contact and added the note “please text, she doesn’t answer calls.”
her: this isn’t going to work out
me: [mouthful of mashed potatoes] ith id bu-
her: yes it’s because of the mashed potatoes
If someone is throwing shade, they’re doing you a favor. Use it, avoid sun damage; let your perfect skin be something else for them to hate.
Every workplace has a hard worker like this! 🤣🤣
P Diddy or P Didn’t he?
She knows her part so well!
Maybe jesus needs me in his life
I can’t stop watching this video 😂😂😂
The amount of time I’ve spent searching for my chihuahua int the back yard while she is locked in the house is astronomical
Autocorrect just changed “loose cannon” to “loser cannon” and now I’m imagining all the people I could shoot out of it.
Therapist: and what do we do when we’re feeling sad?
Me: put on a flowy duster and a fringed scarf and sing along to Landslide on repeat while we sway back and forth and channel the goddess Stevie
Therapist [downloading Fleetwood Mac]: this session is on me
I’m at the point in life where if a girl dresses up in a french maid outfit I’d be more happy if she actually just cleaned my house for me..
That’s why you always keep moving. Don’t leave a digital footprint. Get a new identity, cut ties with family and friends. Keep a go-bag behind your bedroom drywall, stop watching reality TV.
That last one doesn’t have anything to do with being on the run, it’s just a good idea
Wearing shades inside makes me look cool, right?
*Trips over the cat*