some women wear fake wedding rings in public so they don’t get hit on but I swear by my floor-length victorian widow’s veil
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I’m tired tomorrow.
I spent 2 hours at a gym looking angry with my arms crossed. The manager thought I worked there and gave me a raise
A jealous woman…can make the FBI look like mall security.
“I can’t believe I own a Tesla!” I’m so sorry, is there anything I can do to help?
Her: Why do you have a copy of 50 Shades of Grey in your bathroom? Perv!
Me: Oh. No that’s just for when I run out of toilet paper.
“Welcome to the jungle”
Thanks.
“We’ve got fun and games”
Cool.
“You’re in the jungle”
We’ve established this
“You’re gonna die!”
Wait what?
“Service Dog, Do Not Pet.” We’re sure this means me? Should we ask the dog? We should ask the dog.
ME: When Princess Leia kissed Luke, did you know they were brother and sister?
GEORGE LUCAS: *laying in bed* How did you even get in here?
[robber waving gun around in bank] nobody move a muscle
[me making eye contact with him then to the popsicle in my hand then back to him]
[a handsome man falls and cuts his hand]
Me: *tries to rip the hem of my dress to make a bandage, like a Regency heroine, but I’m too weak*
I saw a statue of Cinderella today. I didn’t like it, but I found the plinth charming.
The nice thing about Hide-and-Seek is your children voluntarily go in a closet and be quiet for 3 hours.
America is the greatest country on earth at thinking it’s the greatest country on earth.
My doctor said I needed to reduce stress. Great, now I have that to worry about.
Man, those guys in the Cialis commercial sure are charmed by their wives’ approximations of human behavior
Netflix just asked me “Are you really going to eat that too?”
Me: Mow the lawn.
Son: I don’t want to.
Me: Me either, that’s why I’m telling you to do it.
Your Czech is in the mail.
-Mail order brides
Always give 100%
unless you’re donating blood.
this was pretty cool, thanks @funTweeters. means a lot!
My 10-yr-old just asked me who the “smelly guy” is at my work, and when I said we don’t have one she said, “then it’s probably you”.
You know that really private/embarrassing stuff you say to your girlfriend when no one else is around? Her friends know all that shit.
Having a lovely family holiday in Rome thanks to this free city guide
*gets a Fitbit for Christmas*
*puts it on a squirrel*
I like to creep around my home and act like a goblin
i wish all
whales
a very
big
How to determine what party to vote for:
1) Calculate income
2) Divide by number of dependents
3) Subtract age
4) Download Game of War
I want to be the reason you look at your phone and smile while walking and then hit your head on a pole and faint. 🤪😂
[on a date]
ME: Tell me about yourself.
DATE: October 5.[later]
ME: When can I see you again?
DATE: Maybe in a year.
Cat: LET ME OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW LET ME OUT RIGHT NOW!
Me: *Staggers out of bed. Opens door*
Cat: *lies down on doormat*: You are dismissed.