Some would call it a well set out plan for the future.
The judge, however called it compelling evidence
*eye roll*
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My son’s superpower is to turn 1 cracker into 10 lbs of crumbs
Friend: if you could have dinner with any person living or dead who —
Me: — what kind of dessert would there be
Nobody:
4-year-old: Can I call people peasants at school?
Saw a billboard that said “anxiety? Paranoia? It could be meth.” And it’s like oh my God I’ve been on meth this whole time.
Him: Are you eating cake for breakfast again?
Me: [mouth full] It’s got eggs in it.
This group of patrons’ success at finding the single most acoustically resonant spot in the library to have their loud profanity-laced conversation is a feat of such scientific precision that I’m frankly hesitant to shut it down
I think global warming is real because you hardly see The Penguin on episodes of Batman anymore
[HS reunion]
FRIEND: Heard from Billy Adent? He vanished after grade school. Do you know if he moved?
ME: [flashback to not unfreezing him during freeze tag because he said I smelled like milk] HE BETTER NOT HAVE!
i’m the instant oatmeal packets in your pantry that you never want, but are glad you have.
I want to see a combination celebrity chef and magician. Like when they put it in the oven it was baked risotto but when they take it out of the oven it’s corn dogs.
Ann: I wanna break up
Ed: why?
A: you use time travel to manipulate me
E: when, exactly, did you start to suspect this?
A: well… Hey!
this mf tried to spell arrangatangs with an o
I carry around a fog machine so I can make a dramatic entrance every time I enter a room.
Me: It’s such a nice day, I’m going to sit outside, read, listen to music, and have a couple of beers
*Neighbors dog stands at fence and barks for five minutes straight*
Me: You’re right, pooch. I should go to a bar, stimulate the local economy, and hijack the TouchTunes.
“Trump is a good businessman” He has a failed steak biz, a failed vodka biz & failed casinos. HOW DO YOU SCREW UP STEAK, VODKA & GAMBLING
[friend is showing me around his city]
HIM: and that right there is the children’s hospital
ME: *struggles with this for a minute* how the hell are children running a hospital
One of the weirdest aspects of being human is that if something is cute enough our only response is to want to squeeze it until it’s dead.
me: *excitedly* this is my first time taking a train
conductor: *sprinting* GIVE IT BACK
Welcome to Passive Aggressive Club. We all got here early, but you just take your time.
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
We’re not really in the same boat if you’re the only one with a life jacket
Me: I won’t force religion on my child
Also me: *decorates 3’s room in all Marvel stuff*
My toxic trait is putting my black phone down on a black surface for “just a second”
My 10 yo is talking to me past 9 pm. Why is he attacking me like this?
STOP using Halloween as an excuse to dress slutty – dress slutty every day
Flowers for Valentine’s Day are cool…but what she really needs is windshield wiper fluid.
Me: My dog has gone missing
Dog pound: What colour is it?
Me: Brown
Dog pound: Sex?
Me [turns to wife]: Has the dog lost his virginity?
“The best eggs are stolen,” I said.
“Poached,” my wife corrected. “Poached.”
Instructor: “Weapons are oft named for their purpose.”
Young Woman: *nervously eyes the cutlass*
date: what do u do
me: well u know big bird
date: omg. u play him
me: no *places a crossbow on the table* i hunt him