Some would call it a well set out plan for the future.
The judge, however called it compelling evidence
*eye roll*
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How did ppl describe the size of hail before the advent of sports?
To whoever is going out with my ex, please step up your game because He is still texting me.
Dance like you haven’t fallen off that pole twice already.
“Would you just look at all this bullshit?!” – enthusiastic fertilizer suppliers
me: oh, I have a great ide…
wife: no
My 9 yo talked us into buying him a tracksuit this year. He looks like he’s well on his way to coaching an Olympic skier or arguing over the price of grapes at the supermarket
*warming hands near fire* In my day, we were tough. It would take you so long to get undressed after coming indoors that it was time to go out again. People lost hours, days. Some died mid-layer.
A new restaurant in my neighborhood offers a tasting menu but it just tasted like paper to me.
Why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
My daughter complained we were out of snacks so I lifted the couch cushions.
i noticed you haven’t tweeted in a few weeks and just wanted to thank you
Track coach: run like the wind!
Dude from Oklahoma: *spins*
*1941 movie pitch*
“So it’s about an elephant w/big ears and we call him stupid then torture his mother.”
Walt Disney, “I smell a winner.”
I…do not understand how electricity works.
@funTweeters I dig it! Thank you
SON: mommy I’m scared of the bogeyman
ME: there is no bogeyman honey
SON: he’s not real?
ME: oh he’s very real. but I hunted him down years ago
SON:
ME: there was so much blood
SON:
ME: [whispers] his head is in the basement freezer
All I’m saying is never ask a bald man if he remembers something off the top of his head.
{emergency evacuation}
Police:For the last time you need to leave your house now!
Me:*frantically packing my Golden Girls DVD box set* ok ok
The movie ”Finding Nemo” would’ve lasted only 5 minutes if his mother would’ve looked for him.
HUSBAND: I can’t believe you’re in your 40s. You look so young.
ME: Nice try. You’re not getting the last piece of pizza.
Everyone was sick in my house for a month and finally better and then my daughter coughed so I jumped off the balcony.
My sense of humor has been described as “please stop” and “you’re ruining dinner”
Sandwich: Hi. Barman: Sorry, we dont serve food in here.
Sometimes, late at night, I’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
Modern Warfare: a $700,000,000 dollar plane drops a $50,000 bomb on a $1.00 tent
Narrator: Here we see the
Me: Here we see the
N:…gazelle in
M: the nature program narrator
N: THE GAZELLE IN ITS
M: WHOSE FOREHEAD VEIN IS
even worse than arguing with a stupid person online is when an even stupider person joins in but they’re on your side
Romantic Emotional Stability Level:
I firmly believe “I could fix him” about Hannibal Lecter.
Just when the world was convinced Canadians were normal, we published a recipe for ketchup cake on our ketchup bottles.
It’s my patriotic duty to eat bbq and wave sparklers this weekend. Don’t wreck it with words like “calorie count” and “hair on fire”.