Some would call it a well set out plan for the future.
The judge, however called it compelling evidence
*eye roll*
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Remember, you can always call your senator and leave a bloodcurdling scream.
Always the person who refuses to go to the wedding.
Never the bride.
I’m looking for a guy in finance
Trustworthy
Six eyes
Blue piesOkay, so he doesn’t exist but neither does the guy in the original version
Sister, I can do this until twitter breaks
Computer: choose a password
Me: mysocks
Computer: confirm password
Me: mysocks
Computer: passwords do not match
There’s a woman reading the bible on the tube. Fighting the urge to lean over to her and say “He dies at the end”.
me: so you’re just going to pack up my things? as if none of this meant anything to you??
grocery bagger: what
People: cheer up, things could be worse
Anxiety: and here are some detailed scenarios how
cop: can you describe the intruder?
me: he had a toe ring
cop: he was bare foot?
me: no, he was wearing shoes, but I could just tell
Cw: Ignorance is bliss
Me: Explains why you’re so happy
HR: It’s good to see you again
If you’re a company that sells ground pepper a good slogan would be “Sneeze the Day.” This idea is completely free.
When I yell the wrong name in bed I blame autocorrect.
Now that replies are broken this feels like a good time to let everyone know that I’ve always thought Buffalo sauce is sour trash.
There is no “I” in TEAM. But there is MEAT.
Delicious meat.
PAC-MAN: *eating his third ghost* You know, these just aren’t filling.
Remember when we thought 2016 was a particularly bad year?
*Laughs in 2020*
This idea is the best gift I’ve ever given myself
cops: we’re gonna test your blood for drugs
me: lol why? my blood didn’t do any drugs, i did
What religious people say: “I have you in my prayers.”
What non-religious people hear: “I’m trying to raise Aquaman on this cat radio.”
Your dad’s grandpa is also your grandpa’s dad.
Keep ignoring my texts and I swear to God I’ll leave a voicemail.
To: Everybody
Subject: Dance Now
Cc: Music Factory
A cute bank teller told me he wanted to make love to me in the vault. He’s kinky, but at least he’s into safe sex.
Nothing works harder than my sports bra when I’m chasing the ice cream truck.
Whenever my husband “puts something away” I’m always suspect. I mean, it’s not as if he really knows where anything goes.
Hypothetically speaking if someone wanted to feed their enemies to a tiger where would I… I mean where would one acquire a vicious extra carnivorousy tiger?
Friend: Hey, if you have a gambling problem, there’s a number you should call
Me: I bet it starts with an 8
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.