Some would call it a well set out plan for the future.
The judge, however called it compelling evidence
*eye roll*
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her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok, I’ll get him a little towel
A Scottish vampire aka a McMorbius
Always strange when the wolves decide to raise you rather than to eat you.
you need to be 737 maxxing. you need to have a few screws loose. you need to be dramatically throwing open doors to feel the fresh air outside. you need to be keeping yourself grounded. you need to be lighting yourself on fire occasionally just to feel something.
[1st day working at appliance store]
CUSTOMER: How do I turn this dishwasher on?
ME: *leans in close and whispers* Foreplay
Me: *googles my symptoms*
WEBMD: drunk for the last 6 days
AGENT SCULLY: someone got diarrhea so bad they had to land the plane
AGENT MULDER: [tosses file on her desk] ever hear of the diarrhea alien?
[Job interview]
Employer: please explain the gap on your resume
Me: what…they were hiring
Elevator rides in real life: 30 seconds long
Elevator rides in movies: Two minutes long
Men and women CAN be just friends. But only if one of them is ugly.
Hear me out: A sensor on the back of your car that detects a tailgater and shines a blinding light in their stupid lil eyeballs.
“Well this is silly”
– me describing a window sill
Asked my son if he wanted to watch Netflix and he said he’d already seen it
It’s easy to tell hedgehogs from porcupines. Porcupines aren’t blue.
Her: Look, I made a huge mistake hooking up with you, OK? I love my boyfriend.
Me: Yea, I could really sense that when you were taking my belt off with your teeth…
boss: you’ve been late 3 times this week, u know what that means
me: it must be Wednesday
the school sent my 7yo home with a recorder and she is foregoing learning actual songs so she can “perfect her police and ambulance siren sounds” god help me
“Son do you know how to tell if a pineapple is ripe?”
*throws pineapple against grocery store wall*
“Ah nuts that was a good one.”
The number of STDs I can spell without autocorrect really bothers me.
Capitalism is far from perfect, but how would we find the beginning of a sentence without it?
Dang girl, are you an unreliable scientific claim? Because imma need you to BACK THAT UP
What kind of emotional tailspin causes people to “like” Lysol on Facebook?
I’m naming all my children after Instagram filters. Hudson, Walden, Valencia, Kelvin, Brannan, Willow, and the twins, Toaster and 1977.
♫Whip me up, Before you Nae Nae
Don’t leave me hanging on like a Bae Bae♫
You might hate the last couple of years but no one hates it more than people named Alexa
customer: can I get a chicken cesar salad?
me: yes, but he’ll have to eat it outside since we don’t allow pets
manager: can I talk to you
I know you all think *I’m* the chaotic one in my family, but a baboon troop just broke into my sister’s house and stole two jars of peanut butter and her husband chased them off with a baseball bat, an event she relayed by dropping a video with no explanation in the group chat
Hear me, oh spirits of earth, wind, and fire. I call upon you to unleash a boogie wonderland.
just got robbed by a bunch of girl scouts, well i wasn’t robbed but they did take all my money