Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I always skip leg day at the gym. I keep my body proportionate by skipping every other day at the gym as well.

if bowser kidnapped my wife, i wouldn’t ask for a background music, no matter how much fun i’d be having chasing turtles.

Sometimes I think there is no hope for us 🥴

90% of my life is convincing others that I, an idiot, am not an idiot.

The other 10% is using my phone’s flashlight to help me find my phone.

My kid wouldn’t eat it after he ordered it so I had to: A parents guide.

Star Wars Episode 7? What’s next, Star Wars Episode 8???

My husband said “I wondered where you were,” as if I ever moved more than two feet from the buffet table.

I hate when I’m playing air guitar and I break an air string.

1st toddler: Here is a book you can look at.

2nd toddler: Here is a toy you can play with.

3rd toddler: Here is something you can break.

What’s the optimum number of puppets for a job interview? I know it’s not seven

I didn’t realize how many of the songs on my iPod are about sex and drugs until I hit “shuffle” in a car with a 12-year-old in it.

My wife just sighed from the other room, which can only mean one of 1,850 things.

Welcome to parenthood. Bring spare clothing everywhere you go. For the baby, for you, for your spouse, for the cashier at the grocery store, for the person sitting next to you on the plane…

waitress: what can i get you to drink?
me: house margarita.
waitress: [slowly] margarita good

My wife and I are taking my son up to a little hotel in Colorado this Christmas. Probably gonna get some writing done. We’re gonna be the only family up there cause I’m looking after the joint.

Remember when getting a babysitter for the night meant ordering a pizza and 20 bucks and not 25 an hour and not asking about their ankle monitor

I need to babyproof my house.

I’m not having a baby, I’m just extremely clumsy

It will always be this

I love to watch the look of panic on my husband’s face when I pull a pair of panties out of my drawer and say, “um, these aren’t mine.”

A car window made specifically for a dog to stick its head out of is called a sunwoof.

the nation is so divided we need another Cut essay to bring us together

[while house is on fire]

Firefighter: wake up ma’am, your house is on fire.

Me: can’t you see I’m sleeping?

F: but the house is on fire.

Me: 9 out of 10 people wish to die while sleeping, and we’re most likely to die at 11 am *looks at clock* You just ruined a perfect death.

#SaturdayBears

Make group hugs awkward by taking off your pants.

Me: I’d like a neck tattoo

Tattoo artist: okay, of what?

Me: I just told you

Tattoo artist:

Me: on my forearm

Her: What’s something you’ve never told anyone?

Me: I think ravioli should be an appetizer at restaurants

Her: Like something naughty though

Me: I like to eat ravioli before my meals

Every time I open my mouth, some idiot starts talking.

Raised as a Catholic which meant a weekly trip to church to confess my sins. Aged 7, I was walking to church & just could not think of any sins I’d done. Wondered idly what’d happen if I confessed to murder? Got there. Confessed to murder. Much consternation. Bloody brilliant.