Somebody accused me of getting by on my looks today and I am going to ride this wave till the shore break pummels me on the sand.
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“No time to explain!” I shout as I douse you in gravy.
The Wizard of Oz (1939): A Kansas runaway discovers the psychedelic powers of blunt-force head trauma.
all toddlers look the same when telling a story
British Friend: Bloody hell its 39°; peas are in the pot innit
Me: *no idea what that means* haha same
“Can you explain the gap in your resume?”
“Sure are you familiar with not getting jobs?”
I’m gonna go my whole life without knowing my blood type I swear to god. like I’m gonna end up in an ambulance one day and the paramedic’s gonna ask me what my blood type is and my dumbass is gonna be like “idk lol red”
Him: You okay?
Me eating a tube of cookie dough like a banana: Yeah, why?
me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
guy about to invent alarm clocks: i wish waking up early was worse
[first date]
Him: *dips chip into salsa rather than scooping*
Me: *gets up and leaves*
(…comes back, grabs salsa bowl, leaves for real)
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
– Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
I accidentally bumped into a guy today & he’s like “Aren’t you going to apologize? Asshole!” so yes, I told him “Assholes never applogize”.
me: how can Americans be so arrogant?
also me: *is mad when United States is listed alphabetically instead of at the top of a list*
I don’t think Nyquil knows what cherries taste like!
Server: would you like some freshly grated Parmesan?
Me: yes, please! *opens purse*
fedex left me a note that they missed me, which is so sweet cause I miss u too, u bunch of box-destroying psychopaths
Two strangers on the subway just got into a political argument and now I can see they’re each writing Facebook posts about it
When an ex mansplains something to you it’s called “explaining”
[at pet store]
Im looking for something cheap and will get people to stop coming over.
I keep a knife in my Bible so if someone wants to kill me, I ask to read it & when I get to the 6th Commandment, I stab them in the face.
me: “why was she called the little mermaid, she was 5ft7?”
therapist: “i meant anything bothering you about your marriage keith”
Everyone getting arrested and losing their job for storming the Capitol building are realizing why their grandparents wore hoods.
A Quiet Place was the WRONG movie to sneak kettle chips into.
Applied for a “meditation class” but missed out the first T on the enrolment form, so now I’m studying to be a marriage guidance counsellor.
Typos are dangerous, you guys.
Me: Who cares what astrological sign you are? Phhht, that stuff is so silly.
Also me: I’m logical and scientifically minded because I’m an INTJ…
*overheard in 6’s virtual class*
6: I saw a raccoon our backyard yesterday, and I wanted to show it to my mom, but it ran away.
Kid: Oh, are raccoons scared of your mom?
[Couples’ Counselling]
Her: If he doesn’t stop talking in corporate cliches I’m leaving him
Me (in tears): Please don’t downsize our unit!
Say what you want about nature vs nurture but I don’t remember teaching my 4yo to moon people.
No you cannot have candy until you finish your spoonful of Nutella is apparently something I say now
When you hug someone, think of all the poop you are just inches away from.