Somebody asked me for a topless picture so I sent this and I can’t stop laughing about it.
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When I die, please don’t blame the year. Blame the alligator responsible.
13: so dad, I was thinking.
Me: about what, son?
13: I’m taller than you…
Me: yeah, and?
13: *leans over me* I am the dad now.
Your leftovers looking at you from the back of the fridge as you order Postmates again
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If you introduce yourself as Sal, just know that I will be disappointed when you reveal that’s NOT short for Salami
[during sex]
her: choke me
me: {drops a popcorn kernel into the back of her throat}
My Sherpa girlfriend is too high-mountainance.
no, babe. i haven’t seen your glasses.
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Friend is being kicked out of his flat that has a garden because the landlord wants to charge much, much higher rent. Friend has carefully removed every single thing he planted. Landlord: “it’s worth more with all the f***ing plants, how am I meant to get more rent now?!”
Anyone that breaks up with me gets followed around by a gang of feral raccoons with tiny signs that say “Really?” and “Seriously dude?” for at least, a month.
Date: you’ve already made me laugh, you can do no wrong
Me: challenge accepted.
Blonde in laundromat asks to have
a sweater cleaned.Attendant : “Come again ?”
( not hearing )Blonde: “Nope, Just mustard this time”
I’m sad… I’m gonna eat some feelings.
*6 hours later*
S.W.A.T. Leader: Sir, she’s eaten the feelings of the entire team! She… *static*
everything i’ve learned about megan fox and machine gun kelly has been against my will
Wanna come over? I have pizza and toilet paper
I don’t think Harambe would have wanted this
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A few dozen cupcakes tripped and fell into my mouth against my will.
If you can’t be with the one you love, love the grilled cheese you’re with.
I very much doubt that actual military commandos go into battle without underwear on.
Friend: Can you give me a ride?
Me: I’ll give your MOM a ride!
[Later]
Me: So Mrs. Tromlhorn, anywhere else besides the dentist?
PET PEEVE: Cutting donuts in half.
Either experience the complete joy of a full donut or fully punish yourself. None of this half-measure crap, please.
8yo asked y we had an analog clock on the wall but I didn’t know what analog meant so I panicked & told her time was an illusion
Women who say giving birth is the worst pain imaginable, obviously never waited for a toddler to put on their own shoes.
If I was a mammoth or a ground sloth I would not have gotten stuck in a tar pit it all. when I see a fossil of some creature that got trapped in one I think wow here’s an example of some dead idiot
The evil clown mannequin I put in my window must be working because no one has ever broken in. Or visited me.
look for my book on Amazon: What To Do When Your Teen May Be Abusing ADHD Meds But Goddammit His Chores Are Actually Done For Once
CAPTCHA: select all the boxes that contain love
HADDAWAY: shit
I might give this a try 😏
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It doesn’t matter how windy it is or how fast you run, dogs make terrible kites
No matter the situation you can always count on me to help*
*instantly make it worse
Dear Stephanie on Facebook,
I do not care that you are watching The Breakfast Club.
I only want to know what channel it’s on.