Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[in line at store]
her: oh no I don’t have enough money
me: hey hey [touches her hand] put your wallet away
her: are you sure?
me: yeah, it’s hideous

I’m dying louder than usual today.

There’s a butterfly in my office and a nerf gun in my purse. Susan, clear my schedule.

when someone asks me my body count do they mean like ted bundy or stormy daniels.

asked my bf what the red mark on his tummy was and he said “oh, I tried to steam my shirt while wearing it and burned myself.” this is the person I’ve chosen to love.

I’m a regular guy just like you. I put my pants on one leg at a time while thinking about how far I could throw each kind of bird while it sleeps.

Me: The other day I saw a bottle of wine in my fridge and pet it like it was a dog because I was so happy to see it…wait what was your question?

Them: I asked how being a mom of three boys was going, but I have my answer.

any man with a ponytail is never more than 15ft away from a katana at any given time

“Dollars to donuts” is my most frequent currency conversion.

Why do they call it a zoom meeting, and not a co-vid?

it should be socially acceptable to just face the wall at a party when you need a break from talking

a moth just flew into my wine haha have fun driving home, you drunk piece of shit

If your friend says they can’t swim, don’t make them go in the water because they might be hiding the fact that they’re a robot and you don’t want them to know that you know.

clark, the office penguin, raised his fin and voted “no” on implementing a “casual friday”.

Dad law states that you can use your kids’ piggy bank money to pay the ice cream truck. Especially when your wife and kids aren’t home.

You think people who drink the energy drinks would have enough energy to put the cans in the bin rather than on the ground.

Geesh you avoid someone for 6 months and right away they assume you ghosted them.

Wedding planning is organized crime.

Spotted in the wild

Reminder that today is Make Your Kid Lunch for School so They Can Forget it at Home Day.

Why hasn’t there been a blind dating show where they just try each others cooking first?

The human body is 75% water so we’re, basically, just lettuce with anxiety.

Just ordered a second airport beer and now worried about making rent

Over the last few months I’ve collected enough wine corks to raise the Titanic

one thing they don’t tell you in driving school is that it’s ok to miss your exit and get off on the next one and loop back, instead of coming nearly to a full stop in the middle of the freeway or careening across multiple lanes of traffic quickly to try to make it

I hope there’s a special place in hell for the guy who, right as the Zoom meeting leader was wrapping up, self-indulgently pontificated for five minutes and extended the meeting thus forcing me to involuntarily test the microphone “mute” feature with an epic string of expletives.

Lots of bills lately. I might have to sell a kidney. Haven’t decided whose yet.

(Rushes to hospital)
Dr: Your mother is extremely critical.
Me: Don’t overreact doctor, she’s like that with everyone.