Somebody asked me for a topless picture so I sent this and I can’t stop laughing about it.
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In Hell, you enter email addresses & passwords using video game controllers for ever.
[at Home Depot]
Me: hey, I need some gardening gloves, a tarp, a shovel, and some lye
Clerk: haha, you kill somebody?
Me: our dog died
Clerk: oh God, I’m so sorry…
Me: haha, just kidding. I killed somebody
Well son, in the ’90s, there was no drooling emoji. You had to show up at a girl’s door and actually drool.
hmm didn’t realize until coronavirus how shocking it is to walk into a public men’s room and see all the sinks actually being used
Just pulled over for gas despite having 3/4 of a tank so I could gracefully get out of this Pokémon conversation.
He died doing what he loved…failing to read my mind.
As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I say unto myself I SHALL NEVER… USE APPLE MAPS AGAIN…
Emperor: How are my elite troops doing on Endor?
Vader: They were all viciously murdered by teddy bears.
Emperor: That sounds plausible.
Me: A coworker called me ‘Papa Hemingway’ today.
Her: Because of your beard?
Me: Well it wasn’t because of my Nobel in Literature.
There are two kinds of people here
1. Those who tried deleting another person’s tweet or reply.
2. Liars
judas: i would never betray jesus he’s the best
jesus: my favorite movie is the Minions Movie
judas: i am going to betray the son of God
Jesus needed to sleep in a cave for 3 days and he didn’t even have kids
*takes a drag off a Lucky Strike*
me: I was one hell of an athlete back in the day.
young person: Oh yeah? What did you play?
me: Darts.
If you’re wearing slippers in the car, the chances of your child needing you to run in somewhere increase by 500%.
If you post a picture of your kids today, you have to write, “thankful for my little turkeys.” I don’t make the rules.
I bring my kids to a romantic restaurant on Valentine’s day as a birth control reminder to the other couples.
[phone w/ son while in bank thats being robbed]
in case this goes bad, go to google on the iPad and delete “can owls fly” before mom sees it
whoever said misery loves company spelled calories wrong
Whenever I see someone with spider web tattoos on their elbows I spray them with Raid and attempt to flush them down the toilet.
Why did the belt get arrested?
He held up pants.Please don’t block me.
HR said that me trying to woo a colleague with a banjo is not what “challenge yourself in the workplace” actually meant.
Had another account randomly tweet me to tell me that my avi creeps them out.
Thanks. It’s my face. lol
Samwell: My dog, Pongo?
Daenerys: Run over by a carriage.
Samwell: My goldfish, Goldie?
Daenerys: Eaten by the cat.
Samwell: My cat?
Daenerys: Choked on the goldfish.
Why did the dragon cross the road, ….to go buy a lair freshener🌲
“stand up for yourself” girl i have low iron
History Channel, 1995: Here’s some things that happened
History Channel, 2005: Here’s some things that could have happened
History Channel, 2015: Here’s some things that realistically never happen
History Channel, 2025: Here’s some aliens that restore ice road trucks for war
*playing Mortal Kombat*
Her: Can I try?
Me: Sure.
Her: Which one of them shoots that Handookie thingie?
Me: Hadouken?
Her: Yea.
Me: Leave.
my daughter told me that I am eating my elderly era. I’m not sure what that means and if I should thank her or ground her
police bust open my trunk. it’s full of potatoes. i’ve done nothing wrong.
The battle for ownership of the recliner between me & elder dog is becoming a blood match. Should I all of a sudden stop tweeting just know that I fought bravely.