Somebody asked me for a topless picture so I sent this and I can’t stop laughing about it.
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Billy Joel: You may be right, I may be crazy! But it just may be a lunatic you’re looking for…
Billy Joel’s 3 ex-wives: Yeah. Nope.
TV shows project an unrealistic image, like catching a criminal in an hour or that people don’t spend most of the day in pyjamas drinking wine.
Desire to not get beat up > Desire to wear a cloak
The smoke detectors just went off in my house and no one even looked up from their phones.
Of course I believe you are God’s gift to women.
He gave us periods and painful childbirth. Why not you too?
Something we don’t talk about enough re: climate change is that it will eventually get so hot that the goth lifestyle will become unsustainable, which means humanity’s most precious resource- hot goth chicks- will be extinct by 2040
husband: do you know where the thing is
me: can I buy a noun
[finally rich enough to go to a tailor]
“How can I help you sir?”
One clothes please!
People who hum in public must be blissfully unaware of how close to death they are at all times
[at hairstylist]
Make me look like I’m running really fast.
I hate being woken up so if you find me sleeping, let me rest. If you can’t follow that simple rule, next time just hire another pilot.
Lady, your baby needs to chill. This is MY Binky. I found it fair and square after “someone” threw it on the ground. Finders keepers.
Gf: *holding my secret second phone* what the hell is this for
Me: *uses it so my screen time doesn’t say 19 hours a day* cheating
I just swallowed my record player’s needle and nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happe
Is there a way to ask for extra ranch dressing without sounding fat?
[Being a public nuisance, drinking from a paper bag]
[Cop approaches, grabs bottle]
[It’s 40 oz of Yoohoo]
Cop: where did you even get this
Friend at work gave me some edibles. So I’m taking the train instead of driving.
“you are one of the four horsemen of cringe” – my 12yo
Me: Hello, my name is Vikki and I’m an alcoholic.
Operator: Ma’am, this is AAA.
Me: I know. I’m an alcoholic and now my car is in a ditch.
also check out:
hooray it’s herpes
smile, you’re diabetic
depression for dummies
I got excited when my son joined the cross-country team. But then I learned they don’t cross the country and are back home in a few hours.
I went to a singles event once. I didn’t see one slice of Kraft cheese.
I consider that false advertising.
(First date)
Her: I like men who take charge.
Me: *trying to impress her* *shoves finger into electric socket*
This forever.
Me: Another one, barkeep! I’m not driving!
Bartender: *warily makes me a third ice cream sundae*
I had two ribs removed so I could pet small dogs easier.
I like to hide vegetables in my kids’ smoothies, and tiger tranquilizers in mine.
SHE SAID YES!! 😍😍😍💍💍💍 i asked my mom if she was disappointed in me!!
“I got in a fight at Michaels over glitter glue once, so you should probably step aside.”
-Me, to a guy buying the last of my favorite wine
imagine teaching an egg cooking class and finding out you have a student named shelly