Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Lmao

there are only 4 good weeks in the year: 2 weeks in spring when it starts getting nice out but there aren’t any wasps yet, and 2 weeks in fall when it’s still nice out and there are no longer any wasps. the rest of the year is either freezing or wasps

My dog reacts to the vacuum cleaner the same way I react when my wife says “We need to talk”.

Kid: Mom, will you play with me?

Me: Sure.

Kid: Okay, pretend you’re dead.

Me: This was the role I was born to play. *lays down and remains motionless for hours*

My 4-year-old usually wears his hair in a ponytail, but he wants it cut this weekend. This change will make me a little sad, but I also hope it hides his 1980s movie villain personality.

DOG 911: What’s ur emer-

DOG: THERE’S CHRISTMAS PAPER AND BOWS ALL OVER

DOG 911: Your human let u eat it?

DOG: NO

DOG 911: OMG

DOG: OMG

It’s a beautiful day! The grill is going, I have a beer in my hand, the manager of this Walmart is yelling something wtf does he want

I think that news channel only hired you as a weather forecaster so they could see you get hit by a stop sign in a hurricane.

ME: I’m allergic to suggestions.
FRIEND: You should get that checked out.
ME: *swelling up like a balloon* You’re not the boss of me.

Sure, tell me about the dream you had. It will give me a chance to count my teeth with my tongue.

If IKEA and LEGO combined forces our children could make our furniture.

If Shakespeare were being born today, he’d be “Shaxxespyr.”

I remember owning a mobile device as a kid, it was called my bike.

you’re opening a chip bag and it goes great except for a tiny tear and it seems fine but then the rip starts to get bigger and you’re worried you won’t be able to seal the bag and it keeps going and the entire bag is split open and it continues until the earth fully bifurcates

My daughter once asked me if dinosaurs were around when I was little. She’s still grounded.

Interviewer: what did you bring to the table

Me: in my last job I brought a lot of enthusia-

Interviewer: no what did you just put on my desk

Me: u mean my toad

11’s thoughts on tonight’s dinner: “Well, it didn’t make me gag, so I ate it.”

The rewards of motherhood are truly breathtaking.

Woke up with a hangover to the sound of my neighbor cutting the grass. He can cut around me, I’m not movin’.

Wrestling is obviously fake.
Why would two people fight
over a belt when neither of
them are wearing pants?

This new flavor of Pringles is horrible. First of all, they aren’t even cut up. Secondly, they taste like tennis balls.

Laundry needs to be put away.
I look at the basket.
The basket looks at me.
Old western shoot our music looms in the background.

What’s the difference between a Lamborghini and a dead body?

I don’t have a Lamborghini in my garage.

buying dead houseplants to save time

You can milk cows, goats, and on field soccer injuries.

Whenever I meet one of my 15 y/o’s bf’s, I always ask “Have you ever taken karate?”. “No sir”. “Well u fuckin better” !

Good parenting 101

We do these things not because they are easy. We do these things because we thought that they might be easy.

God: kill your son
Abraham: uh…ok
God: holy shit I’m jk
Abraham: umm…
God: I’ll probably kill mine tho lol
Abraham: wtf?

Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:

1. You have something you want to do.

2. You write code to do it.

3. The code doesn’t work.

4. You fix the mistakes.

5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.

6. You fix the idea.

7. Goto 2.

My 42 yr old friend is dating a 24 yo guy, she caught him cheating so she took away his play station for a week

Me: *picks up regular store brand item instead of economy store brand item*

My family: what’s the occasion?