Somebody asked me if I could go back in time if I would kill baby Hitler. Hold up. Hitler was a baby? This shit just keeps getting crazier
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Her (gently shaking me awake): “Did you know you grind your teeth in your sleep?”
Me (removing mouth guard): “Firstly, yes that’s why I wear this.
Secondly, you shouldn’t be talking to me now.
And thirdly, you need to get back behind the yellow line when I’m driving this bus.”
*job interview*
Wonka: Any questions?
Oompa Loompa: So we just go out and start singing whenever a kid dies?
My current body type is you can sorta tell I work out, but you can also tell that I don’t turn down cake.
Have kids so you can start your day with questions like, “mom, why do people clean toilets?”
[therapy]
WIFE: he favors our son over our daughter
ME: No way, I love whatsherface just as much as I love Johnny
Parenting Tip:
Replace the word “nightmare” with “adventure”.
“This common core homework is an adventure for us both!”
“Grandma made us asparagus quiche so we can try an adventure meal!”
“Your endless harmonica practicing will haunt my deepest adventures.”
Please, call me Seahorse. Mr. Seahorse was my mother.
it was the best of times (adding to cart) it was the worst of times (seeing the total plus shipping)
those beautiful naked women have made a compelling argument i’m going to steer this ship into the rocks
i’m so bad at rock-paper-scissors, last time i accidently joined a street gang.
Imagine getting married and you write your own vows and it’s beautiful and everyone is sobbing and after the wedding your husband hands you the vows he wrote down in a sweet glass case to keep forever and you read them and the first line reads “your my soulmate”
You’re suppose to wear clean underwear in case you’re ever in an accident.
I wear a new pair of shoes every day in case a house lands on me.
Judge: How do you plead?
Me, trying to get on LegalZoom .com: sorry what’s the wifi password here?
Just got my Facebook account suspended for reading a full article before I shared it.
beginning to suspect my gf is only using me for my foot warming capabilities late at night
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Me: *lies down to sleep*
Brain: Remember that really embarrassing thing you did in 3rd grade.
Whatever doesn’t kill you wakes you up at 5:00 AM on Sunday.
“Don’t tread on me.”
– out-of-order sign on a treadmill
I like Tweets that are so good that when I send them to FB my old friends won’t talk to me on the phone for a week.
Old MacDonald loaned me cash.
He I, he I owe.
My daughter returned from a birthday party without bringing me cake. She said they didn’t even have cake. They had cupcakes. And they were the mini ones. And they got one each.
This is not a birthday party, it’s a horror movie.
“That looks interesting. I think I’ll eat it.” – Sharks and Toddlers
Why should I have to take a first aid course? Why is this on me? Why don’t you take a “how to eat sandwiches without choking” course?
I’ve developed a program that checks my Facebook each day and automatically sends “Happy Birthday” posts. I run it on a cloud service that’s so cheap that I’ve loaded it with enough credit for it to run autonomously for ten years. I’m worried it’ll keep going after I die.
i came here to try to be funny, but instead, i’ve made a lot of friends. i count that as a massive failure
dresses with pockets are great for parties because it’s like having two built-in doggie bags. 8 cookies, 4 taquitos, and 7 fancy crackers for later? don’t mind if I do
its wild how some kids are so free with other new kids with brief torrential friendships on a playground. imagine grown ups just walking up to each other like “HEY, ADULT” and then you’re grocery shopping or doing your taxes together for an hour then never see them again
Led Zeppelin’s “In My Time Of Dying” is my favorite song about a man with a touch of a cold.