Somebody better tell me what extortion means or I am going to start breaking kneecaps
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I’ve been playing the blame game with my wife
I’m losing 1,227,456 to 3
Vin Diesel eats two meals a day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
Her idea of extending an olive branch was to sharpen one end first, then extend it REALLY hard.
Date: Why are you so nervous?
Me: I’ve never seen talking fruit before
Hamburger Helper only works if the hamburger is ready to accept that it needs help.
Middle schoolers are terrifying because they haven’t even discovered empathy yet. just a bunch of psychopaths struggling to learn long division
today I was vaping and a man said “is that good for the baby” so I guess I’m throwing this high waisted dress in the garbage
It’s subtle, but if a snail has the zoomies, listen close for a soft little wheeeeeeee!
Morning breath so strong I should ask it to help me move into my new apartment this weekend
Teachers: You can’t write an essay in a night. Exam: Write an essay in two hours.
When people say they’re speechless, I always hope they mean it but they never stop talking
When my kids misbehave we watch ‘Honey, I Shrunk the Kids’ and then I make them stand in a giant Petri dish while I set up the machine.
What unbearably horny inventor came up with the lickable envelope
“Oh this? This everyday, functional object? You have to caress its entire length sensuously with your tongue to activate it. I am a very normal person.”
This is why I don’t delete Facebook
Probability tells you that a toddler has a 50-50 chance of putting their shoes on the correct feet. Parenting tells you otherwise.
My personal trainer and my marriage counselor have vastly differing opinions on how many “cheat days” I am allowed each month.
what idiot called it a best man instead of a lord of the rings
When I was younger, I’d sit in class and think “Ugh, when am I ever going to need to know this stuff in the REAL world??” But then I grew up and discovered that I actually do have to play hot cross buns on the recorder like almost every day.
I pronounce it liberry but I also call them bo-oks so people have a choice on which one makes them angrier
Just received an email saying: “Want to see Celine Dion live?”
My first thought was that it was a ransom demand.
IT: You deleted the OS?
Me: I think so.
IT: It didn’t warn you?
Me: Yeah, but it only kinda warned me. What’s with the inquisition bro?
13: *walking into room*
Me: (on phone, talking about types of tomato plants) I like big boys. I’ve had good luck with them in the past.
13: *makes horrified face, turns, walks back out*
My grocery list.
1. Don’t run into anyone you know.
2. Eggs
Lawyers out there, if I see any of my Tweets being used on Comedy Central can I sue….. Oh you don’t think that will ever be an issue, okay
Drop a ring pop in front of him. If he picks it up and hands it back to you… Congratulations! You’re engaged.
“You use your birthdate as your password?!?! Was ‘1234’ taken?” – me, as a spy.
Kids: “Mom watch this. Watch this. Mom. Mama. Mama watch this. You’re not looking. Mom look. Look at me. You’re not looking.”
Me: merging onto the highway
somewhere a san francisco divorce lawyer is about to have a very exciting day
