Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Went into the kitchen and found my daughter and her boyfriend making popcorn …..

One. Kernel. At. A. Time.

Boxing is like a dance, a dance where you punch your dance partner until he doesn’t want to dance anymore.

i’m an idiot but secretly a genius but even more secretly than that, i’m an idiot

Newlywed: We can overcome anything, cause we’re in love!

10 yrs later: If he leaves time on the microwave again I’m gonna set him on fire.

No one rushes to view your WhatsApp status like people who have their read receipt off.

If you gain 4lbs in one weekend that just means you’re an overachiever.

Love how Google seems to know everything I’m doing before I even think about it, but Google Maps needs me to completely type out an address before it knows I’m not looking for driving directions from the US to India.

Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times

Schrödinger: Nice, nice

I don’t always look at my phone at a red light; but when I do, I look up to see a cop right beside me.

What’s Biden’s plan to make bloggers post the recipe at the beginning of the post instead of at the end

Just got a job opening demanding 13-18 yrs of experience in iOS development.

Do they realize that the platform itself is 8 years old?

Yall keep making fun of millennials you gonna regret all those karate lessons you bought us

I moved the karaoke machine from under my bed to the kitchen so I can sing along when cooking. It scares the dog and drives my daughter crazy so I’d say it’s a big hit.

Date: I like to take things slow

Me: *puts stolen turtle on table* Hey, so do I

Son: Mom, can I get tiktok?

Me: OMG *whispering to wife* At his age shouldn’t he be calling it a clock by now?

I have been vegan for 11 years, but I was pinched by a crab today, and I feel it is only fair that I be allowed to eat one (1) of them as retribution.

ME: Here’s your Mickey Mouse pancake
HER: This isn’t Mickey Mouse shaped
ME: I suppose you’d think banana pancakes should be banana shaped

My vehicle’s anti-theft device is standard transmission.

[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock

“So you think you can dance.” should be the title of a Lifetime movie about strippers.

If Goldilocks was part of the Marvel Universe, The Three Bears would be her porridgin story.

Has anyone seen my gender reveal balloon?

The sales guy kept pushing, though I’d already said “No”, many times. So I shouted, “Non!” “Net!” “Nein!”

But he wouldn’t take No foreign answer.

China: ok. now we start the Great Roof.

we paid junk removal services come to take some old mattresses and stuff out of my parents’ basement and my sister overheard the guys whispering to each other “man it looks like The Conjuring down here”

ME: You know what they say, “Never go to bed hungry.”
HER: Angry.
ME: *Mouth full of nuggets* It’s prolly cuz you’re hungry.

please sir. my succotash. it’s suffering.

I wish I could be like my cable company’s customer service line and make people press 37 different numbers before they can talk to me.

Barista: That will be $8.00.
Me: Sure. *walks out with the napkin dispenser and an entire bucket of Splenda*

heard you like bad girls so I squeezed lemon juice on my fish even though the waiter grabbed me & was like “no, there’s already lemon on it”