Me: My dog has gone missing
Dog pound: What colour is it?
Me: Brown
Dog pound: Sex?
Me [turns to wife]: Has the dog lost his virginity?
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He who must not be selfied.
#Voldemort #HarryPotter
kids in new york be like “i take the train to school” ok harry potter
[at the mechanic]
mechanic: what is the problem
me: my car
My kid : mum lets buy something we can play together – skipping rope?
Me *buys snakes and ladders board game*
An esteemed colleague told me he hard-boils eggs in the morning, uses them as pocket warmers, and then has them as a little mid-morning snack when he gets to work.
Truly, the line between genius and madness is very thin.
Good Friday. No. Stop, I said no. NO. BAD FRIDAY. BAD.
There are risks you take when camping: severe weather, wild animals, someone bringing an acoustic guitar
Pinky toes do two things: nothing and break.
Your Harvard education doesn’t make me respect you more – it makes me respect Harvard less.
Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
Never date an intelligent, incredibly handsome, wealthy man. He’s a violent psychopath that wants to kill you
*things i learned from horrors
Call me a traditionalist, but I prefer my cranberry in its natural state, in the shape a of a can of dog food.
“I’m a little upset.” — Canadian protest sign
*hops in time machine*
him: where ya going?
me: 1988..this kid roasted me and I said oh yeah well shutup and BOY DO I HAVE THE BEST COMEBACK NOW
I like putting my socks on the hot dog spinner at 7-Eleven so they get toasty warm and so that I attract dogs towards me all day long
My husband was just rude to me and I said that I’m going to punish him and he got all excited but like I don’t even know why he’s so excited to do my Calculus homework
“Wait, the video is almost over!” – any kid with 17 minutes left on their video
I hate when someone is killed in a movie. While normal ppl watch the scene, all i’m doing is try to catch the dead character breathing.
If the government implants a tracking device on me the only useful information they are going to get is how many times I actually pee in a day.
I wish I could veto my bills.
Farmer: I love my job
Wife: But all you do all day is round up cows
Farmer: What did you say to me?
Wife: You herd
Why is rage the only thing you hear about people seething with? Where are the people seething with happiness?
A chihuahua is just a barking cat.
me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
Someone once told me “If you love something, set it free”. I told them not to mind about those noises coming from the basement.
My stylist cut my bangs too short so now I look like a dreadfully concerned 7 year old.
My wife got mad at me for buying the family size pack of oreos for just the two of us and I was like are we or are we not a family
Me when dead:
Yay! No more worrying about appearance or keeping fit or any of that crap!Me a second later:
Wait – WHY THE HELL AM I STILL THINKING?
Cashier: Your total is $2,334.00.
Me: Can you take off the avocado?
Cashier: Okay, that will be $2.00.
Got a new mouse! Cut his tail off by mistake! 🙄