Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*plays sleep meditation with affirmations for abundance as I drift off to sleep*

*wakes up and checks bank account*

Me: Well that didn’t work.

Mario: can I buy you a drink?

Peach: ew get a life

Mario: *eats mushroom* …now?

Me: If I can stick to schedule I can get everything done just in time

Toddler: I WANNA HELP!

Today I looked in the mirror and didn’t like who was looking back at me.

It was my neighbour standing behind me. Like dude, why you in here?

4-year-old: We’re playing Star Wars. I’m a Jedi and Mom is a stormtrooper.

Me: What am I?

4-year-old: In the way.

‘Pumpkin’ has got to be the weirdest pet name. How do you look at the person you cherish and adore and decide to call them the second largest squash in North America?

shoutout to the guy who invented the term “water resistant”. a true hall of fame lie

I hate when things are inscrutable. just wanna scrute ‘em so BAD.

Admit it, you’d eat a shoe if it were deep fried and covered in BBQ sauce.

I #respectfully #trot when you let me cross the street in front of you. I salute the #power of the automobile.

I think everyone should get to vote which family member should get shot with a bow and arrow

in the 90s the internet used to scream at you when you tried to enter and they should never have taken that warning away

With the right person, there is no such thing as inappropriate behavior.

when u have no idea what ur doing but u don’t let that stop u

“Hey, look, is that Dad?”
“Either that or Batman’s really let himself go.”

my mom: you still coming over today?

me: definitely

mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—

me: i cant make it

Know Your Time-Related Abbreviations

B.C. – before christ
A.D. – after dhrist

A.M. – after midnight
P.M. – pefore midnight

Online dating has its good points. You can choose your own name, lie through your teeth and you can’t smell their breath.

Sometimes I think my crossfit instructor is a truly great guy who is helping us improve ourselves and sometimes I think he’s a sadist who conned us into giving him money to do burpees

Guys, stop telling women “you’re beautiful” get creative. Tell her she looks like she could beat Taylor Swift in a fight. Tell her she looks like she could make nachos that would **ck you up for a week. Tell her she reminds you of a guy you knew in prison.

My 3 moods:

1. I’m too tired for this shit
2. I’m too old for this shit
3. I’m too sober for this shit

Her: You had a whole bottle of wine and a full bag of jalapeño popper cheese curls??
Me: It’s self-care, so that makes it healthy.

WIFE: You know, you’re my best friend! Am I your best friend?

ME: [subtly exchanges knowing glance with our dog] Of course you are, sweetie

I wouldn’t say I’m fragile, but I am always about three drinks away from grabbing the scissors and chopping off all my hair.

Kid: Fire is magic.
Me: No, it’s science.
Kid: Oh yeah? What’s fire made of?
Me:
Kid: Magic.

This haunted house sucks. It’s just people sitting in cubicles under fluorescent lights looking sad.

Wait, this is real life? NOOOOOOOOOO!

Him: So, it cost me my life savings and all my inheritance but you’re worth it, I booked us a trip on Virgin Galactic

Me: Umm…when I said I wanted space…

Made my daughter dinner last night and she told me it was really good as long as she took tiny bites and used lots of ketchup