Somebody Cadbury Cream egged our house last night. I’d be upset, but I’ve been too busy licking off the bricks.
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It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
Tried to challenge the guy in the stall next to me to a thumb war, now he’s holding my hand & crying about his childhood.
I need to wipe.
They say the human body is 60% water, but after extensive observation of my husband and son, I’d like to submit a revision to the data. Those two are at least 50% wind.
Me: So I hear you’re the guy that invented lying
Guy: No it wasn’t me
Me: Impressive
My son had a rough day so I played Fortnite with him and the lesson that I learned is that I hate Fortnite.
Wife: can u pick the kids up from school?
Me blowing on the coffee in my ‘Worlds Best Dad Quarter Finalist’ mug: which school do they go to?
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
My kid’s latest drawing. Guys, should I be disturbed? I am disturbed.
Bank: your credit card payment is late
Me: your imaginary financial system is illegitimate
Bank: what
Me: nothing what do I owe
landlord is raising our rent 9.5% I think I’ll start burying all of my garbage in the backyard
“Wow! Go show your mommy!” -what I say to any child talking to me for more than 11 seconds.
*shuts down road going both ways*
Right over here, officer. Here is where the accident happened.
*pulls tiny sheet over squirrel*
One of the reasons I had to retire early is because I ran out family members that died excuses for not coming in to work.
Wanna know what it’s like to have kids? Picture one of those automatic ball-pitching machines, but instead of balls, it’s questions. And it never shuts off.
My son shut off location sharing on his phone and now I have to call my mom and apologize for causing her crippling anxiety every night from 1984 to 1987.
BOSS: I set up a Suggestion Box. Please don’t hesitate to-
ME: [staring directly at boss while slowly stuffing cream cheese bagel into box]
Guys, stop comparing Trump to Hitler. He thinks it’s a compliment. Call him a middle-aged woman or a peaceful Muslim.
I think I finally found your G-Spot. It’s been in my wallet the whole time.
On your first day in jail, when they ask you what you’re in there for, say “the food” so all the other prisoners know you’re a loose cannon.
My kid sure is great at picking up Easter eggs for someone who suffers arm paralysis whenever I ask him to clean up his toys.
His tongue explored the hole, probing deeper and deeper until she just couldn’t take it any more.
‘Would you just eat your donut already?!?’
I don’t get the objection to gays adopting.
Simba was adopted by two guys & I think everybody would agree he turned out to be quite badass.
No one believes you’re just hanging around in lingerie. Go put on an oversized T shirt and yoga pants like the rest of us.
To answer your question: No, I’ve never been sought after, but I did once confuse a man’s intentions toward my lasagna as being sought after so I married him.
Ran into an ex-girlfriend. We talked, exchanged info, and she said her “insurance would call” me. Someones still carrying a torch!
Troll: Horrible thing.
Me: Horrible thing back.
Troll: I was just giving my honest opinion.
Me: Me too.
Troll: But…
Thank you for inviting me. Where are the unattended meat trays?
I’d travel halfway across the world just to drop an anvil on your head.
I’ve diversified my investment portfolio by purchasing multiple properties*
*Barbie Dream House, Peppa Pig House, Gabby’s Dollhouse, Polly Pocket house
[Buys a popcorn and cola combo at the movies]
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