Nothing says “till death do us part” quite like a prenup.
Somebody Cadbury Cream egged our house last night. I’d be upset, but I’ve been too busy licking off the bricks.
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HER: I’m ending this
HER: you’re way too literal
ME: I promise I can change
HER: prove it
ME: *puts on a different shirt*
Waiter: Did we decide?
Date: Yes, I’d like the Sirloin. Medium rare.
Me: And I’d like the Remix to Ignition. Hot & fresh out the kitchen.
Maybe Humpty Dumpty just had a great Autumn
Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.
You really shouldn’t label sandwiches, I mean they have a right to exist in a world without labels and judgements just like everyone else.
Walking into a giant spiderweb is natures way of telling you to never leave the house.
Dove: ..then he called me a fat pigeon! [sobs]
Prince: “There there, cry it out” [starts recording]
Um, you are a therapist, right?
If buying new underwear is evidence of an affair, my husband has been faithful for at least nine years.
Some people throw pasta at the wall to see what sticks, while other people just learn how to cook pasta.