@Cheeseboy22

Somebody Cadbury Cream egged our house last night. I’d be upset, but I’ve been too busy licking off the bricks.

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@KalvinMacleod

HER: I’m ending this
ME: why?
HER: you’re way too literal
ME: I promise I can change
HER: prove it
ME: *puts on a different shirt*

@thejessbess

Waiter: Did we decide?

Date: Yes, I’d like the Sirloin. Medium rare.

Me: And I’d like the Remix to Ignition. Hot & fresh out the kitchen.

@shariv67

Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.

@TheIronSherk

You really shouldn’t label sandwiches, I mean they have a right to exist in a world without labels and judgements just like everyone else.

@SentenceReduced

Walking into a giant spiderweb is natures way of telling you to never leave the house.

@huntigula

Dove: ..then he called me a fat pigeon! [sobs]
Prince: “There there, cry it out” [starts recording]
Um, you are a therapist, right?
“Sure”

@nerdreign

If buying new underwear is evidence of an affair, my husband has been faithful for at least nine years.

@SteveHofstetter

Some people throw pasta at the wall to see what sticks, while other people just learn how to cook pasta.