Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cereal is a satisfying way to start the day if you’re having another breakfast within 45 minutes.

Give a man a six pack and he’ll drink for a day.
Give him a 24 pack and he’ll drink for a day.

Got into a big fight with my toddler over what powers trains. I said electricity but he insisted it’s carrots. Carrots running trains is literally the hill he’ll die on.

Not to brag but I clean my house once a year whether it needs it or not.

I hate it when you accidentally pick off a bit of dead skin on your lip and you can’t stop until you’ve peeled your entire face off.

Filling a thermos:
weird that the doc wanted a stew sample

The guy who made my sandwiches told me Have Fun as he handed them to me. Not sure what he thinks I was gonna do wit them

My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.

Don’t worry, you’re not the first person to misinterpret my flirting as food poisoning

*eats only grass-fed donuts

Interviewer: Have any personal mantras?

Me: Absolutely! [thinks to self…banana to mouth not mouth to banana] Make friends with change✨

You threw. Our tea. In the harbour. And then you changed the spelling of harbour. We do not. Forget.

her: what’s your last name?

me: it’s French

her: that’s nice dear, but what is it?

me: no my last name is literally just French.

her: oh how fun, do you speak French?

me: idk do you speak Johnson, Barbara?

him: what are you thinking about rn

me: how best to defend myself from an ostrich attack

*at family function..

*superglues jenga tower

Tried to shop at the plagiarism store, unfortunately they only take credit.

If I wear a wizard hat and robe to my cousin’s wedding this weekend, I bet no one asks me if I’m next.

CANADIAN: Let’s watch a movie

AMERICAN: Have you seen Titanic?

CANADIAN: What’s that about?

AMERICAN: Yes, it was. A huge one that sank

My wife’s written “iron school uniform” on a note. She’s full of bright ideas, but to me this sounds heavy and impractical.

boss: you’re fired

me: [pausing tiktok] why

I want a pet donkey that will kick people I don’t like on the command, “huh, interesting”.

I thought of a benefit to talking on the phone with someone: if a murder happens and you’re a suspect, you have an alibi.

Me: I’m PMSing and everyone bugs me.

Husband: You should do the Calm app.

Me: You should do the STFU app.

If you haven’t heard about shorts yet

DAD: i’m sorry but your mother and i would like you to stay away for awhile

ME: i understand. who knows what could happen with this virus

DAD: what virus

professor: there are no stupid questions

me: if i ate myself would i disappear or be twice as big

professor:

me:

professor: there is one stupid question

I’ll bet my mom’s up in heaven right now, smiling, thinking, “Wow, it was really nice of them to let me out of hell for the day.”

😭😭😭

I’ve watched enough Dexter to know if he’s lying about one thing he might also be lying about a lot of other things and secretly a serial killer.