Somebody call the cops.
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accountant: “youre basically broke”
wife: “he keeps spending money on stupid stuff”
me: “lets ask the dog if he thinks his jeans are stupid”
The nice thing about Hide-and-Seek is your children voluntarily go in a closet and be quiet for 3 hours.
This is not an empty room, this is a very succesful anti-party
they told me I could be anything and then they were like “lmao just kidding, you’re going to be a test subject in mankind’s fifteenth experiment to find out if expensive rent and food makes everyone lose their fucking minds”
Me: (after eating 12 fudgesicles)
Ok. Time to get to work.You: You can actually buy popsicle sticks at any craft store.
Me: Don’t question my art.
Videos that say “wait til the end” and then nothing cool happens, are the reason I have trust issues
Pizza will never hurt your feelings.
my tinder date sounds fun: fingerblaster69. he probably does that finger guns thing. i love that
Salesman: That’s our best selling couch.
Me: *sits* *bounces*
Salesman: What do you think?
Me: *grinning* Sofa so good.
Salesman: Please leave.
KID911: wats ur emergency
SON: sister is staring at me
KID911: did you tell her to stop
SON: yes! she isnt even blinking
KID911: omg ok take a deep breath
KID911: now scream for mom
CASHIER: *squinting at credit card* Bruce Wayne, huh?
BATMAN: shit
Save time sledding with kids by just throwing away one mitten before you even leave the house
how come you never see animal cruelty people protesting turtlenecks?
Sorry I’m late. I sneezed while my mascara was still wet.
Apparently I’m no longer allowed to walk my pet on public streets because it’s “scaring children” and “a crocodile.”
[first day after lying on my job application]
me: can we pull over at a mcdonalds or something
co-pilot: what
Pre- means before, and • post- means after. Using both at the same time would be preposterous.
Be right back. My son who’s slitting enemy throats in “Call of Duty” is screaming for me to kill a centipede.
Why is it called a backhanded compliment and not a slampliment?
Listen, you should really give your mother a call. She’s concerned that “the haters” in her Zumba class are organizing and gaining power.
Now taking applications to pretend to be my boyfriend on Saturday and go with me to my friend’s kid’s graduation party. I can’t pay anything but you can steal stuff from their house
When you finally remember to take your reusable bags into the store and walk in with that swagger like look at me all saving the world and shit
A lady just walked into Taco Bell, dumped every hot sauce packet in her bag and left. I should follow her. What’s the rest of her day like?
GF: I’m moving out if you don’t stop pretending you work at a supermarket.
ME: Ok. Do you need any help with your packing?
It’s above my pay grade to try to debate or change minds on social media. If you want to call a fish a squirrel, you’re right. Look at that squirrel swim
an hour on the treadmill is not so bad if you don’t turn it on.
i love the term “partner”. are we dating? are we detectives on a case together? are we cowboys? are we cowboy detectives in a relationship? there’s no bad answer
ME: (right before I go under anesthesia)
SURGEON: How much you want to bet this guy is full of candy?