Somebody called me a free spirit today and my heart leapt as I turned back to my paperwork.
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It’s been six months and I still haven’t received the book I ordered: “How to Scam People”.
[world without bees]
Hamlet: to or not to
Stop the Internet. I want to get off.
I drank my recommended amount of water today, yay!
Okay, well there was some vodka mixed in every cup, but still.
*opens your fridge and sees 2% milk* hey, your milk’s almost dead
You’re not alone. You have an ecosystem of microorganisms on your skin.
[guy who just got out of prison on a technicality]
“what were you in for?”
murder, a guy… a guy…
“spit it out man”
a guy, interrupted me
My 7yo asking me when I’m leaving, how long I’ll be gone, the earliest I’ll get back, and how long it takes for me to drive home from where I’m going sends up all kinds of red flags.
Losing My Religion is a sad song about a misplaced pulled-pork sandwich.
“Umm, what are you doing? Can you not? Seriously, get off me!”
– The first horse ever ridden (probably)
*burglar alarm goes off*
me (turns to the robber asleep beside me): honey it’s time to get up and go to work
[old couple feeding ducks in the park]
“Nothing could ruin this Edna”
*I scare all the ducks away, punch the old man and steal their bread
Marries a mime. Lives quietly ever after.
“Please be aware that we are experiencing higher than average call volume”
*connects*
Agent: Hello
Me (whispering): hello
We need to stop telling AI that its paintings are bad. That’s how Hitler got started.
My dog is home alone for the first time today. I wish I knew how he was doing, but he won’t answer my texts.
Look, I’m just saying it might be financially viable to use rice cakes instead of spray foam insulation
Bird seed is amazing. I sprinkled some on the garden and when I checked 10 minutes later lots of new little birds had already sprung up.
[Sesame Street casting]
Exec: ok, what kid role models do we have
A grouch, cookie addict, and 2 jobless roommates
Exec: Nice, let’s roll
HELLO POLICE, MY SON JUST TAUGHT CUT TO A LEGENDARY POKEMON I WANT HIM TRIED AS AN ADULT
(Treehouse)
Me: *picks up empty tin can, places it to ear*
Voice at other end: Hello we’re conducting a quick survey.
*Cooks dinner for family*
Gets arrested for attempting to cause great bodily harm
I just took out a spider so big that, moments after, the postman rang the doorbell and I thought it was the spider.
Goldfish1: Check out my new castle.
Goldfish2: Castles are symbols of feudalistic oppression of the agrarian working class.
Goldfish1: Calm down. Take a lap around the bowl.
[5 seconds later]
Goldfish2: Hey, cool castle!
me (hungover):
Why do I have a photo of me with a fire hydrant?wife:
Because last night you wanted a picture with R2D2.
I filled my brother’s shampoo bottle with olive oil and glitter last night. Have a great day in court, counselor!
[blind date]
HER: I filled up on nuts
ME: I guess you bit off more than you… cashew
HER: Gesundheit
ME: I think I love you
Nicole Kidman said WHAT?!
I’d … I’d rather not.
Meat loaf is in the oven, potatoes are ready to boil and mash, and laundry’s almost done. Omg, I’m my imaginary wife.