Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Apparently my neighbors are having a slamming the door every 5 minutes party

I will die on a white floor just to mess with the chalk outline guy.

God: you’re a baby shark-

Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.

God: w-what was that?

Baby Shark: sorry go ahead.

God: a baby shark-

Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.

God: that’s like super annoying.

Baby Shark: hee hee.

God: doo doo doo-great now it’s stuck in my head.

For some reason, the Disney movie “101 Dalmatians” was much more popular than it’s sequel “Picking up Dog Shit for Eternity.”

Father in law: How are you preparing for the future?

Me: I buy Monopoly games in case one day Monopoly money becomes legal tender.

Right now, I need a Transformer that can turn into a blender that’s not broken.

ME: don’t involve me in your bullshit

SON: it’s called homework

woke up to a text from my mom about how a wild elephant went into a Sri Lankan hotel and gently wandered around while poking stuff with his trunk

Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend, never owned a murdery cat.

ah yes, the Supreme Court

a regular court, but with diced tomatoes and sour cream

Sometimes I like to imagine Thanos singing the Addams Family theme song just snapping people in and out of existence

You wanna mess with me, pal? You wanna mess with the saddest man in town? I’ve got a whole crew of sad boys just waiting to burst into tears

Shout out to my drug dealer Jamal, he’s taught me more about the metric system than any of my teachers ever did.

curly fries are my favorite as they’re salty and spiraling, like me.

I’m nobody’s type until they need blood or an organ

I have the nicest shopping cart at Walmart- me flirting

hear me out- let’s have pet sitters release one harmless flying insect into your home every 2 days you’re gone to keep the pets amused

Lifeguards should focus more on water safety and less on me laying eggs in the sand.

[interview]
“Where you see yourself in 5 years?”

Doing your job.

“And me?”

Jobless and upset about the divorce

“OMG” *runs out crying*

Person: Raise your glasses!

Me: Hahaha! *raises bottle*

wife: know what today is?
me: yep
wife: on 2
together: 1, 2
wife: Happy Anniver..
me: 3 MONTHS UNTIL..
wife:..sary
me:
wife:
me: ..Santa

Please stop asking Santa for the perfect woman…….

3 times he’s tried to kidnap me this week

My trainer suggested I get a tennis ball to message my back. I got it, but it just sits there. How do you make it go?

Officer, I swear there is a simple explanation..

~me standing in the street with no pants, one sock and a turkey baster in my hand

I like to think my essence leaves my body at night, and walks the lonely streets trying to eat custard with chopsticks.

[third date]

Her: please quit calling me Jenny

Me: oh my apologies Jennifer

Her: my name is Amanda

Him: I’d die before I break a promise to you.
Me: Or, very soon after.

The year is 2020. Hip hop has fully merged with dubstep, creating the genre of music known as Dubhop. All hope for mankind is lost

Mom said I should only date “a good man” and I was like HEAVENS TO BETSY I WISH I HAD KNOWN THIS PERTINENT INFORMATION BEFORE NOW.