Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my parents’ wedding videographer intercut a clip from kermit and miss piggy’s wedding into their service?? without asking???

Me, losing my shit:

Heeere shitty, shitty, shitty!

*Belle falls in love with Beast*

Everyone: STOCKHOLM SYNDROME!! Called it!

*Belle speaks to furniture*

Everyone: this is fine

Me: goodnight son I love you.

3yo:

Me: I said I love you.

3yo: I love milk.

Me: okay. *unplugs nightlight*

“your password is too weak” just wait until you see my impulse control

CHIEF: say hi to ur new partner

ME: new partner? If it’s another duck–

*goose with a badge waddles in*

ME: okay but i’m driving this time

Ugh having a body is so uncomfortable

I walk around my yard with a cane so my neighbors will never ask me to help them move something.

if you’re having trouble finding the match to one of your socks, throw it away and the missing one will immediately show up

follow me for more life hacks

Why do we call them “restrictions,” anyway? Do you look at a life-jacket and think “there’s my drowning restriction”?

You really dropped the ball today Ted. You’re fired.

“Please, no. I can try harder.”

You operate a wrecking crane, man. People died.

i will avenge u mr van gogh

When we die, do you think that we go to heaven and reunite with all of the socks we have lost over the years? And St. Peter is just smiling like “go on in, they’re waiting for you” and it’s just a plush, green meadow full of all of your lost socks frolicking in the sun.

Hey girl, are you pineapple on pizza because a lot of people say you are disgusting but I kind of like you?

Remember when the internet didn’t exist and we kept all this stupidness in our heads?
Good times.

My kid wants to be Batman so bad he bought us opera tickets in a bad neighborhood.

Every morning after I get out of the house, a bike comes out of nowhere and runs me over.

It’s a vicious cycle.

teacher: your son said you threatened to beat him?

me: at checkers!

teacher: and forced him to sleep outside?

me: we went camping!

teacher: and made up his peanut allergy so he couldn’t share your snickers?

me: yeah, that one I did

Me: where do you want to eat?

My gf, a moth: idc you decide

[arranges a candlelit dinner]

Me: my god, I’ve made a huge mistake

Today a man asked me if the bird tattoo on my shoulder was a hummingbird and I said it’s a magpie and he asked “oh black billed or yellow billed?” HEY YOU KNOW WHAT JEREMY YOU CAN’T NOT KNOW A HUMMINGBIRD FROM A MAGPIE ONE MINUTE THEN CRED CHECK ME THE NEXT OKAY?

the economy’s so bad that all the online submarine experts from last year had to become bridge experts

I’ve got chills. They’re doing advanced calculus and quadratic equations.

I put my thing down, flip it and reverse it

– me, plugging in a USB

The recipe blogs that have the “jump to recipe” button are the real winners

Don’t make me mad or I will replace all your gummy candies with fiber gummies.

I used to hate Mondays before I became a parent

if he likes you he will let you know. if he wants to talk to you, he’ll text. do nothing. you’re a beautiful object. pretend you’re a tree

Mornin

ME *enters new password*

COMPUTER: Ok

M: Aren’t u going tell me it’s too weak?

C: I’ve seen your life & more criticism just seems unkind

Headline: Oscars stars hit the red carpet

Red carpet: I’m so bruised.