somebody come look at this
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Optimus Prime implies the existence of Optimus Fresh, and for a nominal monthly fee, Optimus Audible.
I’m going to be the most petty poltergeist ever. I’ll do things like unplug your phone charging overnight
Cop: freeze sucker
Me: it’s called a popsicle
Dear women who just gave birth,
Stop naming your child ‘Khalessi’.
Sincerely,
The rest of the human race
Why don’t they just call pot head janitors ‘ High maintenance ‘ ?
Summer is the best because there’s always a chance I’ll see someone trip on their own flip flop
Dad: What is taking him so long to get me that crow bar?
Me: *Applying for a liquor license* Yes I’m serious, it’s just for crows.
A zendetta is when you launch a blood feud against a killer who murdered your entire family, but remain pretty chill about the whole thing.
Waking up with morning wood is one thing, but waking with Elijah Wood is just creepy.
I calmed down once I stared into his beautiful eyes.
6yo: I got dressed, took my vitamins and got my cereal.
Me: My baby is all grown up, she doesn’t need me anymore! [Sobbing]
6yo: Ummmm well I still can’t spell supercalifragilisticexpialidocious!
Me: ᴺᵉᶦᵗʰᵉʳ ᶜᵃⁿ ᴵ [sobbing]
13YO: Why’s he happy? He got dog-piled.
Me: He made a lot of groundage before getting put down.
Husband: Yardage. Tackled. PLEASE LEAVE.
him: there’s been another burglary how do people get into that
me: no idea *putting halloween masks on the kids and handing them bags* let’s start with the rich houses
Does anyone know any herbal remedies for worthlessness?
HER: I’m leaving!
ME: Is it because I always put Doritos in your shoes?
*she just turns & walks away*
(crunch)
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[introductions at a party]
Me: this is my first wife
Her: and current wife
Me: and these are her kids
Her: they’re also his
Me: we keep it friendly
Her: on account of we’re still married
Me: and I love these kids like they’re my own
Her: because they are
To all the people with grammatical issues, don’t worry, I also have problems with badly timed periods. 
I like to play my cello on the beach, but I only know 2 notes and for some reason it freaks everyone out.
They might as well put “Uhhh…” in front of every item on drive-thru menus.
My wife doesn’t believe that auto correct changed “Yes dear” to “Hell no I’m not picking your mother up from the airport at 1am.”
Parents: Your room is a mess.
Me: You really need to see my life.
I’m like Helen of Troy. Not in the sense of being breathtakingly beautiful, but in the sense of pissing people off and starting wars
Waking up in 2016: [immediately makes coffee]
Waking up in 2017: [immediately checks to see if WW3 has started]
Paul Dano has his priorities and it kills me
The fact that the Oscars doesn’t have a host doesn’t bode well for Parasite.
They say New Zealand has a sheep population of over 60 million
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
Reasonable mental health and a good relationship with his mother? I can’t work under these conditions
God sends his most incorrect food & drink orders to his most conflict avoidant soldiers
I have a huge gash in my forehead. I’m going to assume I got up in the middle of the night, fought some crime, and went back to bed.
Hello. My name is Ellie & I just got off the bus while listening to King Of Rock & Roll by Prefab Sprout & accidentally said “hot dog” instead of “thank you” to the driver. I must now leave this planet & never return. Farewell.
DAUGHTER: Mom asked me to check on you and the eggnog making
ME [wrestling a screaming chicken into a blender full of milk]: GRAB ITS LEGS