somebody come look at this
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Lake Superior was named the second most scenic lake in the world, beaten only by Lake Superiorer.
My right eye has been twitching for over a week! Know what that means, someone’s been thinking of me so much they’re giving me a stroke!
Rock stars’ children have very strange names.
You could probably eliminate about 82 of your 99 problems by just minding your own business.
Him: I’d take a bullet for you
Me: I’ll allow it.
Lady: Don’t go there it’s a very Brad neighborhood
Me: Brad?
*Hundreds of Brads ascend from the sewers. Time stops. The sky turns Brad*
Bank robber: This is a robbery! Nobody do anything stupid!
My wife slowly turns to face me and mouths: You are gonna die
*runs for mayor*
Mayor: You’re outta shape
There are two types of people in this world:
1) Good people
2) People who honk immediately when the red light turns green.
Maybe the environment should adapt to accommodate our negligence did it ever think about that
me, on the phone: haha hail satan what’s up
god: still me you didn’t click over
Everytime I see my see my neighbors having sex in their hot tub, I think to myself “I can’t believe I’m recording this”
Who called it Thanksgiving and not the Nightmare before Christmas?
Am getting real tired of your crap…
I can’t believe someone broke into my garage and stole my limbo stick. Like, seriously, how low can you go?
Well son, in the ’90s, there was no drooling emoji. You had to show up at a girl’s door and actually drool.
I hate when I go to review a podcast and someone before me said “wow, this pod makes my daily 6 mile run fly by!” and I’m like cool it also makes eating this giant bag of cheese balls fly by.
My therapist puts her toilet paper roll on upside down, yet somehow I’m the crazy one?
ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 01: so they just bake?
ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 10: alice better mind the claggy weather if she’s to produce a biscuit with a proper snap after disappointing paul with an garish proof on her loa
me: can I get one for the lady at the end of the bar
balloon animal guy: ok
Remember to not aim fireworks at anyone unless it’s that person who keeps microwaving fish at the office
My dog saw me naked this morning
now she’s sitting down at the end of the driveway waiting for her Uber to the shelter
TSA agent: Please remove all footwear
[moments later]
TSA agent: Not mine, sir
[after giving performance of a lifetime]
ME: I only wish… I only wish my dad could see me now
MUFFLED VOICE FROM BEHIND EXTREMELY TALL AUDIENCE MEMBER: I’m sure you did great son
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re extremely critical
me: so they’re awake, that’s good
Dracula: well? do I have any cavities?
Dentist: *using tiny mirror* hmm I… I can’t tell
That’s not a halo. It’s the light at the end of the tunnel glowing behind me as I walk in the wrong direction.
Me: When’s your break today?
Him: Not sure. I’ll send you a DM
*doorbell rings*
Demi Moore: Ok, he’s ready for lunch
Wife is painting the upstairs bedrooms. It’s not in my nature to sit still while she slaves away so I went up and complained about the color
Karen, will you marry me?
“Ugh. No. Please take me home.”
*20 minutes of awkward silence as hot air balloon slowly descends*