Somebody give me a house for my birthday so I can live in the present.
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YouTube videos are like: fix it yourself in a few easy steps! You just need a screwdriver, soldering iron, hydraulic torque wrench, stork beak pliers, and a scissor lift!
[Interview]
Why do you want this job?
Me: *opens briefcase* I don’t.
*pulls out Snickers*
I just wanted to eat this without my kids around
The downfall of society can be traced to when they stopped counting ketchup as a vegetable in school lunches.
8yo nephew: so how does it feel when you’re drunk?
Me: Oh it’s awful! You get dizzy and your head spins so fast from the slap you might get if you touch my booze.
good morning to everyone but especially my dog who got herself stuck in a folding chair and instead of barking for help just waddled around with it on her back like some kind of hermit crab
People who think Americans won’t take trains if they are a couple of hours slower than planes need to meet the Midwesterners who are like “why bother flying it’s only a ten hour drive”
A lady at the store was returning a dozen donuts. I’ve never been so confused. What kind of monster does that?
If I ever ask you, very seductively, “Do you wanna do it?”
It means take a nap.
Every so often, someone in the know has a momentary lapse in judgment, and you get a glimpse of what geopolitics in the 21st century is actually like.
This is one of the most illuminating tweets ever in that regard:
Avocados are like children. It’s important you spend a lot of quality time with them so they won’t go bad…
[1st date]
{don’t let her know you’re Hitler}
HER: what are you going to eat?
ME: definitely not seafood
HER: did u say nazi food?
ME: shit
My origin story is like Harley Quinn’s except instead of rising out of a tank of chemicals it’s instant mashed potatoes
Never once in my life have I found a pen when I need it, so please explain to me why my toddler always has a pen in her hands.
Women who say giving birth is the worst pain imaginable, obviously never waited for a toddler to put on their own shoes.
Every nature documentary has a pointless & soft lit cameo by a dung beetle that makes you suspect it’s dating the director
Me: how are you
Friday: good
Stamps be like “lick me and put me in the corner”
Fact: The human body is 59% water
Fact: Feta cheese is 59% water
Conclusion: The human body is feta cheese
Me: The older I get, the less I care who sees me naked.
Post office employee: Thank you for at least wearing the mask.
Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
My cousin is 3 months pregnant and my really old uncle keeps commenting on her pics “woah. any day now, Bernice” and I’m literally crying laughing
On average, it takes a person 7 minutes to fall asleep…
2.5, if Tammy from purchasing is telling you about her weekend.
How to Talk to Women Who Are Inside an MRI Tube
her: I named my baby Susan
me: boring
her: she’s a puppy
me: omg I love it
Leaf blowers… making leaves your neighbor’s problem since 1977.
[interview]
“Any special talents?”
I can unlock any fingerprint reader
“By hacking?”
[flashes back to hacking off victims’ fingers] Yes
If you can’t get your baby to stop crying, try vacuuming. Then you can’t hear your baby crying and your floors will be clean.
It was a drink directly from the bottle kind of day
Opens the bottle of hot sauce