Somebody give me a house for my birthday so I can live in the present.
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marriage is so goth. it’s like “I’m in this until DEATH” jfc dude settle down
This is a bad idea on so many levels.
I just got belted in my face by a rogue piece of carrot that fell out of my sports bra while doing downward facing dog.
6: *Watching kids yoga on YouTube*
Video: Ok, let’s do the Downward Facing Dog.
12: Ew! Uh…..um…..*keeps side eyeing me*
Me: *Making direct eye contact with 12* It’s a yoga pose. What did YOU think it was??
12: I…uh…..*runs away*
You think you have it rough, try driving with two Pringles cans on your hands
genie: please no
millipede: more legs
“How was your first day of school sweetie?”
*in tears* JEFF HAD THE SAME SHIRT
“Oh…I’m sorry”
*rips Batman shirt* I’M NEVER TEACHING AGAIN!!
When I say “let me think about that” it means I’m gonna ask someone smarter than me
Once again I find myself asking “How long can I stay in the bathroom before one of my employees realizes I’m gone?”
Responding to a question from your wife with interpretive dance tends to raise more questions than it answers.
[first day as homicide detective]
Cop: any signs of forced entry?
Me: yeah, a bullet somehow forced its way through his face & into his head
You don’t scare me. You’re not my mom saying, “I’m gonna tell your father” after she found out I broke the TV.
Most of us were taught to never get in cars with strangers, so taxi cabs make absolutely no sense.
[leaving Hooters]
Wife: you thought there’d be owls
Me: *wiping away one tear* of course not don’t be ridiculous
Trust my gut? The thing that gets overwhelmed by dairy
So what I ate my salad with a spoon, lf you give me a second date and i’ll show you how I tackle soup
left my hotel balcony door open a bit and a pigeon wandered in, stole some of crackers, screamed at me and then left. so yeah when i die i wanna reincarnate as a big city bird
Is Ham short for Hamuel or Hamantha?
“I really have no idea how to pronounce my name but I won’t admit it.”
Guys named Geoff.
[aliens dissecting humans]
alien surgeon: seems like they feel terrible after they drink alcohol
alien assistant: that’s good, so they never do it
alien surgeon: you’re not gonna beleive this
[literally every petting zoo]
Zookeeper: wanna pet a goat?
Me: [shrugs] I guess
Zookeeper: k cool. Cuz we got, like, 90% goats here.
My son just came and asked me to help him with his history project and I really feel like he’s taking a BIG chance on me considering what happened when I tried to help him with his math homework. Here goes nothing.
Being the parent of a 7 yr old boy, I have washed many odd things when I forgot to check his pockets, but today wins: an entire potato.
I just wish my ex-wife could look down from Heaven and see me
now.But no, she’s still alive.
[pulled over]
COP 1: any drugs or alcohol in the car?
ME: no
COP 2: told you he was a nerd
ME: nuh uh I have so much drugs
COP 1: lol gotcha
Hey girl are you my taxes cause I just wanna spend all day and night trying to figure you out.
my niece thought her math teacher said “length, width, and death” so shes been runnin around all day screamig “THE THIRD DIMENSION IS DEATH”
‘Twas the night before Christmas,
and everyone knew,you were still out shopping,
yes, it sucks to be you.
whats wrong?
“the bills”
we need to cut costs
“any suggestions”
at least 3
[my backup singers] 🎶I think she’s talking abou-
“not now ladies”
every single person who owns two cats has one beautiful idiot and one terrifying demon plotting a coup