“SOMEBODY had a lot of time on their hands.” What dull people say about creative people.
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If I start learning from my mistakes how will anyone recognize me ?
I annoy my dad when he’s watching football by referring to all the players as, “characters.” It works every time
Trees to oxygen:
“Pfft. Waste product.”
I feel sorry for all those girls bragging that they don’t have a gag reflex. They’ll probably die choking on an Olive Garden bread stick.
Who wants to go pull on some push doors with me??
Of course I don’t have any skeletons in my closet
I know how to dissolve bones I’m not an amateur
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food
My wife rearranged the kitchen cabinets and now I’ll never eat again
My lame jokes will never be as shitty as the people who respond to them with “ba dum tss”.
[at Red Lobster]
WAITRESSES: *run toward me*
ME: Red Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *stop*
ME: Green Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *run*
MANAGER: Okay, SIR…
Postcards are just weird. It’s like, “Hey everyone, feel free to read what I wrote to my aunt until it’s delivered to her house.”
why pay kristen stewart millions of dollars when a cardboard cutout of kristen stewart will give the exact same performance for free
I changed to high thread counts when I moved. I have fallen out of the bed 5 times. Super slippery. No wonder those Egyptians died young. Prolly slid right off they pyramids.
OMG IT’S GOING TO KILL US ALL!!
~ My dog every time I use a broom
Highway cops are so childish. Oh you’re hiding behind a bush in your Ford Escape? Gonna pop out and chase me? Grow up
Meth is short for Elizameth.
Mugger: Give me your wallet and… is that a Rolex?
Me: It’s a fake.
Mugger: What about her diamond ring. Is that fake?
Me: *nervously look at my wife* No, no. That’s 100% real…
Someone wrote that today is like waiting for the results of a biopsy, except half your family hopes it’s cancer.
My kid says that I make the best brownies in the world, so I told her that some day she can make brownies as good as mine and now I’m praying that Duncan Hines doesn’t go out of business before then
Had a vasectomy. Paid them an extra $50 so it shoots glitter
me: *quarantines self*
*runs out of wine*
me: *unquarantines self*
Suit: It says here you’re “dramatic” and “nonsensical”?
Me [forward somersault, grabs resume]: Sorry that’s a typo, it should say “sandpaper pickles”.
My favorite Slipknot member is the one who wears the mask.
Me: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender!
Date: Haha because you say something and he says it back to you
Me: He’s murdered 7 people
Do you ever eat an individual-sized bag of chips and wonder what kind of “individual” only eats seven chips?
evil queen: would you like an apple?
me [is snow white]: nah not really
evil queen: but it’s a magic wishing apple!
me: meh, even so
From now on when you see me use the word “variants” know that I’m referring to my children.
The bartender just threw the bottle of vodka in the air and caught it. Maybe next time it’ll turn into a college degree.
Guys, have you ever become so fed up trying to undo a bra that you wished you hadn’t put one on in the first place?
I just asked my friend to come over and “play husband”. He’s gonna be pissed when he finds out we are putting together shelves from ikea.