Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Calling bullshit on news that the Amazon is burning. I just got a package delivered from them today

I love a “hell yeah” moment right before it turns into a “well shit” situation.

Look, you invented bread and I invented knives. Let’s combine forces and we could be the best thing since…well we’ll think of that later.

I didn’t realize that was an option

A library patron stops in her tracks at the reference desk, studies me, and says: “You’ve gotten a few gray hairs!”
“Yeah, I get one every time there’s something I want to say out loud at work but hold it in instead. Oops, there’s a new one.”

my wife can find a stain on my shirt from across the room but can’t see the mailbox when she’s backing up?

Interviewer: Have you worked in a fertility clinic before?

Me: No

[nervous because it’s my 1st interview]

Me: But I used to be an embryo

Hannibal Lecter didn’t have to be a serial killer, he was scary enough as a foodie.

[first day being homeless]

What thread count are these newspapers?

Son: the tooth fairy didn’t leave me any money
Me, forgetting he put a tooth under his pillow because I was up playing Fortnite until 4am: yeah I’m afraid she died

“To be is to do” – Socrates.
“To do is to be” – Nietzsche.
“Do be do be do” – Sinatra.
“Beep beep beep” – R2D2.

I’ve always heard that ignorance is bliss. My question: Exactly, how ignorant do I have to be before I find bliss?

I’d totally shake what my momma gave me but abandonment issues aren’t really a tangible physical manifestation…..

Super convenient that my arms came with cup holders.

ALIEN:*points at Chihuahua* whats that?
ME: a dog
ALIEN:*points at Husky* whats that?
ME: dog
ALIEN:*getting angry, points at Pug* whats THA

It’s awkward touching hands with another man inside a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man and he doesnt know you’re eating his popcorn

hoping jesus comes back soon, preferably on a monday, so we can get another holiday

My kid wants to earn money to go on a pricey school trip next year and asked if the tooth fairy gives money for other body parts.

*forgetting the name for christmas decorations*
please pass me the tree earrings

If you want your dog to take a pill:

1. Get a piece of cheese

2. Eat the cheese for energy

3. Get ready to wrestle your dog

Wait what do you mean Jesus loves me? Did he say something to you? OMG I’m freaking out right now tell me his exact words.

“I can be nice or I can be honest.”

I’ve been laughing for an hour straight

[Trapped on a plane]
Me: Can’t put it off any longer, we must eat the other passengers

Wife: what no

Me: I’m growing weaker

Wife: We have been delayed for 45 minutes

No, your baby was definitely crying before I dropped it, that’s why I dropped it.

Can’t. Being lazy.