Walking by a jewelry store and admiring diamond earrings:
Friend: Maybe he’ll get you those for Christmas
Me: I’ve been asking for a new potato peeler for the past five years, so I’m guessing that’s a no
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*being abducted by aliens*
Hey thanks guys it was getting pretty rough down there. What we got goin’ on, snack-wise?
I just did yoga. No wait, yogurt.
Twitter should disable deleting tweets and add a regret button instead.
You know how your mom used to get mad and start counting? I think the Earth is at twwwoooo.
If u havin girl problems i feel bad for u son
jery had 73 girlfriends throughout seinfelds run
Just found out that “3 Men and a Baby” isn’t a movie about Jesus’s birth.
[puts a tub of Blue Bell in the cart]
Ma’am, did you hear there was a recall? That could be deadly.
[slowly puts second tub in cart]
murderer 1: well this is awkward
murderer 2: omg Dave what are you doing here
murderer 1: how’s Rachel?
murderer 2: she’s good, she just-
me: EXCUSE ME
I find that the secret to not being insecure is to just be better than everybody at everything while being incredibly good looking.
Before letters were invented the alphabet song was an instrumental.
Catcaller: I wanna go wherever you’re going baby.
Me: Sure! I could use some help hiding the bodies.
OMG, just found my childhood diary! I was an adorable and strangely prescient little boy.
Before I get out of an elevator, I hug every single person in there with me and whisper in their ear “You’ve taught me so much.”
Don’t confront someone who puts cottage cheese in lasagna, leave crazy alone.
My daughter gets all bossy when we’re playing with her Barbies, but I just smile. Then when she’s at school I play with them the way I want.
My boss used to call me “the computer”. Nothing to do with intelligence. I go to sleep if left unattended for 15 minutes.
felt that
My son uses eating utensils with the accuracy and success of the most rigged claw crane game.
My daughter just came up to me in a ski mask and said “give me all your money!”
Then she turned around and said “you look broke, I’ll try another house” as she promptly walked away.
universe: you deserve a break
me: wow thanks
universe: *winks*
me: *tumbles down the stairs*
No one running the NFL Insta account saw a problem here
(head held low) mom said i cant join your gang
I do this really cute thing, where if I walk by a car that has a stick figure family on their back window, I peel a kid off.
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume?
lady that posts recipes online: well, it all started in the summer of ’21, when i decided to visit italy to reconnect with my roots
I’m one of the 128 people on earth who doesn’t have a facebook so when the robots take over don’t even try to come to my off-grid-bunker for freeze-dried food
BRITISH COMPANY: *gives free estimates*
AMERICAN COMPANY: *gives free estifriends*
I’ve got an adidas tracksuit just in case I gotta whack someone.
Me: What kind of eggs do you want for breakfast? Scrambled? Fried?
4 Year Old: Chocolate
Me: You really are my child.
Make sure you lock your car doors so no one steals your half empty water bottles.
I wish I had remembered this was a rectal thermometer before I’d put it in my mouth for 3 minutes.