Somebody in my gang is an undercover police horse. I’ve narrowed it down to Dave, Kyle and Sugarcube
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Me: Uh oh there’s my ex girlfriend. Quick, will you hold my hand so I can make her jealous?
Great grandma: No.
100% of all marriages end with an ‘s’
Boss: I’m sorry but you’re fired
Me: But I’ve poured my blood, sweat, & tears into my work!
Boss: Exactly. Cupcake sales are down 75%
(Wedding)
Priest: They’ve written their vowsWife: *recites beautiful vows*
Me: *takes out notecard* I love you and cheese the same amount
Sorry, I sometimes blackmail people when I’m nervous….
The only way an adult coloring book could help calm my stress is if it was somehow edible.
Until I open the wrapper & look inside it’s Schrödinger’s Kit Kat.
Friend: “Send me that picture we took last night, we probably look so good!”
The picture:
My daughter is late coming down to breakfast. Her 3 strips of bacon are getting cold. I mean 2 strips. Sorry, 1 strip. She’ll have cereal.
Doctor: This makes no sense. The ultrasound isn’t finding your baby
Wife: Haha, well I guess we know who he takes after
Waldo: *from behind a curtain* That’s my boy
To shoot someone, never aim at his chest.
Aim at his smartphone.
He’ll die faster.
me: if I’m guilty of anything it’s caring too much…
judge: no it’s armed robbery
me: *clenches fist* about money
hmmm
i actually laughed 😩
Taylor Swift: Hey babe, could you make dinner tonight?
Taylor Swift’s bf: Aw babe I’m really tired tonight
Taylor Swift: (making direct eye contact, slowly reaching for guitar)
Taylor Swift’s bf: I’ll go check the fridge
Why would I pay for a haunted house when I can wake up to my kid silently standing by my bed at 5 AM.
nothing makes me want to hold onto the stuff I no longer use more than when my wife tells me she’s putting it in the garage sale
His arrival was foretold in the ancient murals.
The entire world is the kid in the back seat asking are we there yet. Politicians are the parent saying “soooo close” and scientists are the honest parent.
Called in, “I’m a time traveler. I came in today yesterday.”
Nothing prepares you for the love you have for your children, or for your own ability to say I don’t know a million times a day without snapping their adorable little necks.
[reading an e-book]
ME: Nice.[reading an eeeEeeeeEeeeee-book]
DOLPHIN: Nice.
getting a rib removed so i can suck my own rib
This headline is a thing of beauty
Kids: We’re hungry!
Me: You’re in luck. I have just the thing.
The thing:
obsessed w/ the woman in line telling her life story. she hasn’t seen her daughter (annie) or grandkids in 3yrs bc they’re in australia. annie met her hubby in hawaii while surfing. she’s had trouble w/ the neighbors lately but that’s annie, she’ll find it wherever she goes
The older I get, the less ‘life in prison’ becomes a deterrent.
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a case of Girl Scout Cookies.
Me: sorry I can’t work today, the baby’s not well
Boss: what baby?
Me: me
Neighbors act like they’ve never seen someone wearing a bath towel, chasing after a Garbage Truck before.