Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My toddler got me up at 4:30am because “Eeyore said it’s morning” Stupid donkey ruining my life

Me: I think I’m suffering from auditory hallucinations.

Narrator: There was no narrator.

Att’n birds in my yard: the one to the LEFT of the feeder is for drinking, the one to the RIGHT is for bathing. Get it together you guys.

Neighbours are away & the house-sitter asked me for help with the back door that was stuck. Grabbed GT85 lubricant, fixed the sliding bolts, & while she was distracted, I lubricated the creaking hinges on their front door that have been driving me mad for 3 years.

Pixar: How did you get past security?

Me: *out of breath* I have such a good name for a Ratatouille sequel, Rata-

Pixar, sighing: Rata2ille?

Me: -touille 2 oh man yours is so good

Oops, I “accidentally” left my in-laws at the grocery store. Darn. I guess I’ll just have to get them Monday on the way back to the airport.

Reminder that today is Make Your Kid Lunch for School so They Can Forget it at Home Day.

“Is it in yet???”

-My ATM, mocking me.

them: what are you think-

me: FOOD

Me to the bartender: When you asked me if I wouldn’t mind some head I thought you meant…

hey maybe ur parents care so much about ur birthday becuase it celebrates how long theyve been able to keep something alive for

wtf are you supposed to do when maintenance people come over your house? do I stand there and tell him he’s doing a good job?

Co-worker: I’m in the doghouse with my wife.

Me: What did you do? Stay out too late with the boys?

CW: No, I sent $60,000 in Apple gift cards to someone in Nigeria who said we owed it for the electric bill.

Me: …Oh

I used to date a hypnotist and now I can’t even remember why we broke up

-hey lucifer. did it hurt
-did what hurt
-when you fell from heaven
-for the last time gabriel i am not going out with you

I’m still awake because my brain can’t locate my sleep file, babe

If these seasonal allergies don’t kill me, that person I just sneezed all over probably will.

The baby’s favorite food is strawberries and she calls them, “the babies.” We got looks in the store when she asked loudly to eat the babies

NURSE: do you have any allergies
ME: burnt bread
NURSE: you’re allergic to burnt bread?
ME: yes I’m black toast intolerant

Worth a try

the dominos pizza tracker says alfred is quality checking my order but alfred also made it. isn’t this a conflict of interest

Me: It’s such a nice day, I’m going to sit outside, read, listen to music, and have a couple of beers

*Neighbors dog stands at fence and barks for five minutes straight*

Me: You’re right, pooch. I should go to a bar, stimulate the local economy, and hijack the TouchTunes.

I can still remember that one Memorial Day weekend when I had too much to drink and cooled off in my neighbor’s birdbath ten minutes ago.

Asked my son if he could go anywhere in the world, where would he go? He said, McDonald’s. I said no, like a country. He said, OHHHH okay…McDonald’s in Japan.

Parenting tip: If your kids are fighting in the back seat of the car, stick your arm over and swing it around a bunch. That’ll show em’.

Get in loser grandma lost at bingo and has gone after the priest.

How to stop checking someone’s Facebook page:

1. Delete your Facebook profile
2. Break your phone
3. Give away your laptop
4. Die

Imagine the excitement of the first scientist to travel between parallel dimensions. He’ll be beside himself.

IKEA assembly instructions should come with a glossary of Swedish swear words.

expecting to live rent-free in my mind? good luck being homeless