Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When I was a kid, my mum used to run a dating site for chickens. She did whatever she could to make hens meet.

Please, keep trying unsuccessfully to suck the snot back up in your nose instead of using a tissue. Everyone loves the noise you’re making.

Been walking like an Egyptian and need to visit a Cairopractor.

This South Beach diet is BRUTAL. I can only eat a sensible face for breakfast, a sensible face for lunch, then just CELERY for dinner.

Nazi is a bit harsh…I’m more of a grammar Spanish Inquisition

It’s very rude to not refer to the manager at Burger King as “Your Majesty”.

me: mind if I have a look around

guy in port-a-potty: yes

It’s an unspoken rule on garbage day that pajamaed neighbors pretend not to see each other.

Them: Tell us something about yourself.

Me:

Yes, auto-correct, I wanted to wish my friend a happy 4th of Judy.

I’m tired of all this mother effing playdough on the mother effing floor.

-Samuel L Jackson, babysitting my kids

I love that Amazon hires data scientists to figure out that based on my excessive paper towel purchase history I likely have two kids and a cat

Heard my mom tell my dad to “stop tossing her salad” at the dinner table and now I can’t look at either one of them without laughing…

I may not be a ten but I am definitely couple of fives held together by cheese

I’m not helping to save the environment until bears let me ride them around like cars. It’s a group effort, bears.

Nobody:

Paintball field I went to for a birthday party in 2013: Hey man I bet you’re wondering how we’re handling all this

Just saw somebody leaving the dispensary in a U-Haul truck. Leave some for the rest of us, cmon

Sorry for laughing and pointing when you fell. I just thought clapping would be rude.

i may not be the smartest person in the room. i may not be the most interesting, or the most successful person in the room. but i’m definitely in the room

I say “Andrea” you say “Aun-dray-uh” and that’s why nobody likes you, Andrea.

It’s nice that the nations of the world have all agreed that movie tickets should be half price on Tuesdays. Something to build on as we forge a global consciousness

“Sooth.”

-a soothsayer

Putting carrot sticks in the break room next to the cake is considered work place violence, Jim. Security will see you out.

I was at an outdoor cafe in Chicago when two tiny beetles started having sex on my table, in broad daylight, like it was no big deal. That town is going to hell.

Why is it the the people who drink the most Red Bull are the people who seem to have the least going on?

Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s most likely where you left your car.

[1st time eating a lemon] this orange is angry

That stupid look on my face, is my face

“So sorry” -Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” -Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” -Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” -Apologise to me

you’re either snacking with me or snacking against me