Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I’d been around in France when Marie Antoinette said “let them eat cake,” I would’ve been like “wait a minute, let’s hear this lady out.”

A zendetta is when you launch a blood feud against a killer who murdered your entire family, but remain pretty chill about the whole thing.

TICKET AGENT: and will this be round trip?

FLAT EARTHER: here we go again

Wife is painting the upstairs bedrooms. It’s not in my nature to sit still while she slaves away so I went up and complained about the color

Hubby has an alarm app where you can record your own sounds or music to wake up to. I just changed his to “THE HOUSE IS ON FIRE!!!”

Every reddit relationship post is like “My husband dropped a big piano on my head and when I emerged from the rubble my teeth had been replaced by the keys. Am I in the wrong?”

I just want to be high enough on the corporate ladder so I can walk around the office and yell at ppl while I’m eating a salad

Before you commit to a dog name, go outside at 6:30 AM with no bra on and see how it feels begging that name to poo.

[At dinner with wife’s friends]

Me: may I chime in

Wife: I swear to God if you brought your chimes-

*my bag dings a little as I unzip it*

My washing machine at noon: “I will gently wash these clothes.”

My washing machine at midnight: “I WILL WASH THE HELL OUT OF THESE CLOTHES!!”

Chris Pratt is my favorite actor whose name sounds like if a rodent fell in the McDonald’s deep fryer

Krampus.

These are so Plastic Man-core

Top Seven Bacon for Breaking:

7. Bacon point
6. Bacon even
5. Bacon Benjamin
4. Bacon my heart
3. Bacon Bad
2. Bacon the law
1. Bacon wind

Leonardo Dicaprio is like driving in a school zone. You don’t go above twenty-five.

AISLE 7
– Chips
– Cookies
– Quackers

Shout out to the kidney bean, the trachea celery, the gall bladder peanut and other foods named after internal organs.

My dentist told me to relax, then got all judgey about me uncorking my wine in his office. He needs to make up his mind.

All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.

[First Date]

I’ll just have a salad.

[Second Date]

*shoves a whole brisket in my maw like a bear going into hibernation*

I was disappointed to learn today that my request for a six-month leave of absence was rejected. Apparently that’s “not how marriage works.”

I’m tired of “working hard” and “trying my best.” I want to be a raccoon who just found a whole container of chow mein in a trash can

That depressing moment you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.

I’ll take 2 tacos and one jail marriage…

Hey Canada…you can take your weather back.

Sorry isn’t going to cut it this time.

I smoke in the car and the smell is in my clothes, skin, and hair but this gum will cover everything up so no one will know.

– smokers

The hardest part of marriage is resisting temptation. Women just don’t understand how hard it is not to use a decorative towel.

STEPHEN KING WRITING ABOUT LIVING IN NEW ENGLAND: The old man who ran the town dump communed with darkness. He kept a Hand of Glory in a 1982 Boston Bruins mug. Crows and bats were his to command.

ME AFTER MOVING TO NEW ENGLAND: Jesus, I used to think Stephen King made shit up.

local police are looking for a peeping tom, I’m heading over to pick up an application

“Where’s my money?” – a loan shark
“Where are my friends? – alone shark