Somebody keeps sending me flowers with all the heads cut off.
I think I’m being stalked…
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Apparently I’ve reached the age where Grammy, Emmy and Oscar are merely other residents in the nursing home.
sorry… can’t now, i’m busy nursing a hand cramp from getting a slightly bigger phone
Attention fat vegans:
Explain.
Ducktails gave me very unrealistic expectations of generational wealth among waterfowl
Women dressed head to toe in animal print just bumped into me, thought I was being attacked my an obese leopard.
Cops said my blood alcohol level was above the legal limit which is crazy because I don’t even drink blood alcohol.
me: [explaining the scene in bone tomahawk where they split a guy in half]
therapist: I doubt your mailman wants to do that to you
Me: wanna go cow tipping?
Other person: that sounds fun
*LATER*
Me: *handing cow five dollars* thanks for the milk, Daisy
Telling someone “You are not alone” can be either extremely comforting or absolutely creepy depending on the context.
Saw a grown man riding down the street on a BMX.
I yelled what does BMX stand for?
He replied “DUI”.
I met my wife through a mutual friend. Despite being together for 18 years, married for 14, in my head sometimes I still refer to her as “Alan’s friend”.
DOG BOSS: ur fired
ME: wait, is there any way you’ll reconsider?
DOG BOSS: no
ME: u want to go for a ride in the car
DOG BOSS: *tilts head*
[arriving in hell]
me: i didn’t know i’d have to wear what i died in forever
satan: where did you even find denim underwear
Just saw a bundt so big and beautiful I changed my sexual orientation to cake.
Wife: Where did all this glitter come from?
Me: Jake, at State Farm.
The question had been asked millions of times over thousands of years and I don’t know if science will ever answer the question:
How can a child this small take up so much room in a king sized bed
Imagine how expensive the iPhone would be if they called themselves Organic Apple.
We had 7 chocolates and 3 kids, so I ate 4 cause I am a problem solver.
Cop1:did u hear about the kidnapping?
Cop2: should we go help?
Cop1: No it’s ok he woke up.
This fall on CBS
“Good Cop, Dad Cop”
I love my family: I bought a really cool green gourd at the grocery store on the way to the beach & everyone’s first thought is we need to do a photo shoot of the gourd on the beach
Kids: We’re hungry!
Me: You’re in luck. I have just the thing.
The thing:
To tell the difference between an African and an Indian elephant, you look at its ears, then lift one up and shout “WHERE ARE YOU FROM M8?”
I wear my wedding ring everyday so I know my right hand from my left hand, incase the man of my dreams asks me for directions.
everyone telling you that you’re beautiful on the Internet is an escaped convict.
When I’m in a bathroom stall, please don’t yell “Oh my God oh my God there’s a guy in here!” Respect my privacy.
The instructions for this tent is just a picture of a husband yelling at his wife, that’s weird.
technically you’re not on fire, the fire is on you. but yes i’ll get some water
Not saying it’s hot, but I’m slow-cooking a meatloaf in the back seat of my car so dinner will be ready when I get home.
MAN: What are you doing?
ME: [pointing gun at lake] Fishing
MAN: No way will-
SALMON: [walks out of lake with fins up]