Somebody keeps sending me flowers with all the heads cut off.
I think I’m being stalked…
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Mike Trout turns 26 today. If he keeps up this pace, he’ll be 30 in four years
Used to work with a grumpy older guy called Philip Eno and I was always too scared to ask if he was related to Brian Eno. Anyway, years later I actually met Brian and I said to him: “Is your brother Philip Eno?”. He replied: “No, he’s English”.
Art teacher: Take your seats, the model is ready
Me: *Disrobes and strikes a pose*
Model: Who the hell are you
I thought all the men at my gym were being exceptionally nice for a Monday morning but turns out my workout pants are just see-through.
me: help, my house is burning down!
mrs doubtfire: *narrows eyes* prove it
[God creating chihuahuas]
“Scare that rat into an identity crisis”
Post that you’re pregnant on facebook: 88 likes and 31 comments.
Tweet that you’re pregnant on twitter: 2 stars and 491 unfollows
God: welcome to heaven!
Me: but i didn’t believe in you.
God: yeah i get that a lot.
Me: so… we’re all good then?
God: lmao no I just wanted to do this *reaches for lever*
Me: You’re not like other girls.
3-year-old: *continues looking for the right Barbie to fight her dinosaurs*
[texting]
Me: I’m over IT.
Friend: Over what?
Me: You know…IT.
Friend: IT is a pronoun that could mean anything.
Me: IT as in Information Technology.
Friend: You CAN’T be over that.
[1 week later]
Me, via handwritten letter: Well, I am.
This whiskey tastes like my neighbours will be listening to Metallica.
My wife: Tell me your wildest fantasy.
Me: Clamping my dentist’s tongue with forceps and shining a bright light in his eyes while I ask him about his ski vacation.
Flock of geese
Murder of crows
Mistake of beers
Just ran a .3K (Ice cream truck wouldn’t stop)
If you come up to my bedroom door and find a sock on the knob it means I’m having sex.
Probably with the other sock.
COMPUTER: Enter password
ME: [types ’14days’]
COMPUTER: Your password is two week
ME: Uh?
COMPUTER: Computer do joke. Computer funny.
despite threatening a hummingbird this morning I really do love nature.
Guys that squirrel is on my patio in the dark dragging his little hand across his throat shit what do I do
I don’t like using the locker room at the gym cuz the guys always stare when they notice my gym bag is filled with lasagna
[car accident]
Other driver: YOU TURNED INTO ME!
Me: *looking at hands* like Freaky Friday?
Sometimes I have my shit together, sometimes I eat an unidentified white substance out of my hair and am grateful when it’s frosting.
[last supper]
jesus: from now on it’s called dinner
I know you’re the instructor but I’ve seen Ghost 47 times so I know for a fact this IS how pottery is made!
I get it dogs, I want to scream F-bombs every time the doorbell rings too.
“I’m tired.”
– Beat Cop
I will not buy ornamental gourds this year!
I WILL NOT BUY GOURDS!*buys all the gourds (and a hay bale)
me: jesus, all i have in the cupboard is two tins of tuna fish, an expired box of jello, and egg noodles
1950’s cookbook author’s ghost, calling from hell: well well well, not so high and mighty now, are we?
Me: Ah, the elusive white penny
Cashier: That’s a button
FAMILY MEETING!
And, just like that, dad had the whole house to himself…