Somebody keeps sending me flowers with all the heads cut off.
I think I’m being stalked…
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That split second of panic when you realize you said yes to your toddler but you were distracted and you don’t actually know what you said yes to
My husband accepted an invite to a bbq for us and said we would bring a salad, like “we” has anything to do with it.
On the one hand, I want to exercise and take care of myself. On the other hand, it’s just more years of living on a planet full of morons.
I went to a singles event once. I didn’t see one slice of Kraft cheese.
I consider that false advertising.
After what happened to Lance Armstrong I’m kinda worried they are gonna come after my bowling trophies
When someone begins, “With all due respect,” stop them right there, because that is as good as the sentence gets for you.
I know I’m not great at math, but I just can’t figure out how to 28 packs of fruit snacks are gone in 2.5 days when the kids say they “barely ate any.”
my depression: I’m sad
my anxiety: but why now I’m worried
my depression: nothing to worry about I’m sad for no reason
my anxiety: oh cool but honestly I was just gonna worry anyway
Sometimes, I think I have had enough personal embarrassment for one lifetime, but then, I’m all like, “No.”
[rises from chair]
NO.
Blood is thicker than water, but rhinoceros poop is thicker than blood, so..
if a job listing has “rockstar” anywhere in the description: run.
“You busy tonight?”
Well, that 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
I mowed the neighbor’s lawn today. He told me he loved me. “In a purely platonic way.” I told him he was the non-alcoholic grandfather I never had.
GF: just FYI, my dad teaches at the Naval Academy
[meeting her parents]
ME: [lifting up shirt] does my belly button look weird to you?
a couple months ago i had a plumber come to my house and he spent the whole time talking about how he was also justin bieber’s plumber and then he broke both of my toilets which begs the question: does justin bieber have working plumbing?
What this place needs is a revival of the narrator tweets.
Narrator: No, that’s the last thing this place needs.
Exhausted Parent PSA-
The chance you could mistake a raw chicken sausage for a banana when making a smoothie is small, but not zero.
I don’t wear sunglasses because it’s unfair that a photon travels 93 million miles and then when it’s an inch from my eye I’m all “um, no.”
It used to be that at least once a week you’d walk down the street and see a piano dropped on someone’s head from an apartment above and that person would pop out of the top with piano key teeth. this is what they’ve taken from us
TV shows project an unrealistic image, like catching a criminal in an hour or that people don’t spend most of the day in pyjamas drinking wine.
“Welcome to McDonald’s, how may I take your order?”
“Begrudgingly, I would imagine.”
I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus.
Then I saw her arguing with him about money.
Now I see Santa drinking by himself.
Found out I can become an IT pro in as little as 1 month with no experience & now I know where my company gets their IT pros.
Me: Babe, I got carded today!
Husband: Showing your Costco membership at the entrance doesn’t count.
My 9-month-old ate part of her sister’s math worksheet and now we’re waiting to see if she passes algebra.
Lonely? Just glue a coffee cup to the roof of your car. Everyone will wave to you.
Of course you should follow me. I’m funny. Ask anyone. Well, except my mother-in-law. Don’t ask her.
BELLHOP: May I take care of your bags?
ME: Of course!
BELLHOP: [gently applies seven layers of concealer under my eyes]
[filing for legal name change]
Judge: and what’s the reason for the request?
Me: I was owned pretty badly on line
Judge: *removes glasses and squints* oh my god are you the guy that thought bears were fat dogs
COP: what do you think made Gordon Ramsay assault you?
ME: well, he said he was going to show me how to make a three bean chili and when i said a chili should have like, at least thirty beans in it, that’s when he threw the spatula at me