When I get naked in front of a man for the first time I never do it slowly and seductively, that would just give him time to get away.
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Reporter: What went wrong in the Challenger launch?
NASA: have you ever built a space ship?
Reporter: well no bu-
NASA: it’s really hard
We need a ride home.
“I called a Gruber”
Don’t you mean an Uber?
[villain from 1988 Die Hard arrives in black Prius]
“Bjärk! Bjärk!”
-Björk’s dog
As it turns, all of those signs I drive by on roads and highways have words on them.
On a related note, my new contacts came in.
Bad is when you finish the dishes then see a few more things to wash. Worse is when your wife is there so you can’t say you didn’t see them.
rent? again? no no you must be mistaken, i only just recently paid rent last month
What’s it called when no one can dance but everyone dances?
A good wedding reception
Turns out my toddler’s only ingredient for Banana Stew is bananas, and now I understand why she rolled her eyes when I asked for the recipe
Mom [holding newborn baby]: Let’s name the baby after my grandfather
Dad: What would be the point of naming him after your grandfather already did
Don’t ask questions you don’t want the answers to like asking your toddler what’s in his pocket
-Stop expecting someone else to fix you, fix yourself
(me talking to the pile of clothes on my bed)
Kinda pissed that I have to take my dog to the vet and not the dogtor.
Dad: [tied to chair] You’ll never make me talk.
Bad Guy: *pulls back a velvet curtain revealing a wall with hundreds of thermostats*
me: I thought you would like it
grandpa: why would you think that
hospice clown: I should go
Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: forgetting everyone‘s name immediately after we met
Professor whatshisname: get out
DATE: …your profile said you were a bodybuilder?
ME [assembles crash test dummies for a living]: that’s right
When I turn on the lights all of the dads scatter off of my deck, the fat dads can’t get over the fence
“Struggling with insomnia” sounds like you’re just trying to help insomnia put on its coat and it won’t stop waving its arms around.
When I get to somebody’s house, I text them, because knocking on doors is for poor people.
couple weeks ago I saw a drunk guy in the crowd at a baseball game enthusiastically chanting “baseball game!” I think about him every day
Safety first
ME: I dislike myself
THERAPIST: That’s quite common
ME: Really?
THERAPIST: Yes, for example, I don’t like you
From now on when people forcefully show me pictures of their baby, I’m simply going to reply, “Hmm… I’ve seen better.”
“I’m so hungry I could eat a-”
*walks by burger joint*
“nope, had one yesterday”
*walks by hot dog stand*
“closer”
*walks by stable*
“HORSE”
Read that again implies that I read it a first time, which I most certaintly did not.
My current wife doesn’t like when I call her that
Everyone: Wow, I love your official animal.
Aussies: Thanks, it has pockets.
Today’s assignment:
If anyone asks you what you’re doing this weekend, grab them and shake them saying “What have you heard? WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD???”
Imagine if your anxiety and your metabolism swapped jobs