Somebody needs to get my shit together.
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You look at the top of your phone screen and see the ringer off and alarm clock icons and wonder when you got old and boring and responsible
can’t see: birdbox
can’t talk: a quiet place
can’t touch: this
So I have one coworker who uses “irregardless” and another who uses “unappropriate” and now I’m over trying to conversate with these people.
If they handed out awards for peeling a hard boiled egg with grace, I would get absolutely nothing.
Flight Attendant: “Here is the extra blanket you asked for.”
Me: “Thanks. Could you jam it into that guy’s mouth?”
*Dino-Jesus preaching to the dinosaurs*
“Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.”
*Asteroid crushes Earth*
“Dammit Dad.”
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to set a strong password
As we watched the sun set together my 3yo asked me what kind of pajamas the sun likes to wear to bed and that just might be the cutest question I’ve ever been asked.
Also the dumbest.
Nutritionist: Let’s identify those triggers that stop you from eating well, they could be subtle
M: I guess the main one is being awake
N:..
*At funeral*
“Your Mom is so fat”
I said eulogy, not roast.
“oh right, I’m sorry. Your mom WAS so fat…”
I wish I could replace my central nervous system with a central confidence system.
We took family pictures with an actual photographer today. No one argued, no one yelled, no one whined, no one cried. Years from now we can look at these photos and say, “this is how we never were.”
*Cleans glasses*
“Omg I have a cat?”
Can you imagine the pressure Morgan Freeman’s mom felt reading him a bedtime story?
We wouldn’t really have any national debt in this country if strippers would just pay their damn income taxes.
Drink this wine, it’s the blood of Christ.Eat this bread, it’s the body of Christ.Jesus pulls out hotdog, “Now hear me out”
don’t often share recipes, but here’s my yummy kale soup:
1 buy kale
2 fill a sock with marbles
3 hit yourself in the face until unconscious
“Every girl’s crazy ‘bout a sharp-dressed man” he hummed to himself while ironing his sleeveless tuxedo T-shirt.
Son, your insistence on dismembering all of your siblings is tearing this family apart!
girlfriend: I’m seeing someone behind your back
me: *believes in ghosts* is it my grandpa
*Takes our kid away so my wife can have a break*
*Takes kid to pub*
*Bumps into wife at pub*
Using cruise control on the highway so I can practice karate
Most of the time I fall asleep before I figure out which remote does what again
Honesty is the best policy until it gets you slapped.
I bought a t-shirt for a good cause.
It’s ’cause I wanted the t-shirt.
[taking communion at church]
I’m a recovering alcoholic do you have any actual blood?
Me: oh shit there’s my ex girlfriend will you hold my hand so she gets jealous
Dad: sure kiddo
My ex husband went to buy a lotto ticket & never came back, I guess he won, haven’t see him in over 20 years
[lying with girlfriend & looking up at the stars]
“Hey–”
*points to shooting star*
“You’ve put on a lot of weight.”
Inspiration twitter:
“You’re worth keeping. If others walk away from you for any reason, it’s because they’re losers and they should feel badly.”
Also inspiration twitter:
“Never feel badly about walking away from losers who drain you for any reason. It’s self care.”