Somebody needs to get my shit together.
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[first date]
me [im a goat]: u gonna eat that dress?
date [also a goat]: yes
[Out at a restaurant and police officers walk by our table]
Me: Hey kids, say hi to the police.
6yo: Are these the guys you told me yesterday to not tell that you went through a red light?
As an economist, I know the best system is where precisely 12 people have all the money and let it sit idle in offshore accounts
me: i think i got rabies from a bat in our tree.
my wife: why were you near a bat?
me: i cannot make friends with a bat through email, carol. they do not have computers.
my wife: my name is cheryl.
me: {dies from rabies}
[i sweetly pet a wild baby deer in my lap] aww this is so boring
The best part about sex is the roundhouse kicks.
I’m too polite to tell you that I dislike you, but if I ever serve you kale…take the hint.
Just heard someone refer to their dog as their daughter. If I’d known I could pull that bullshit off I never would have had an actual child.
Him- I’ll have a lemona…
Me- He’ll have water with lemon, and I will too. Extra lemon please.
Server- Ahh, yes, the free lemonade.
[3am]
Me:
My Dog: time to set the world record for licking noises
When I see how my boys have loaded the dishwasher I think, “Maybe their father is my cousin.”
You don’t fully know your own strength until someone tries to pull you onto a dancefloor against your will.
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas.
[Half of my body is already in the anaconda]
“Is this a date? This feels like a date.”
[buried under a pile of geese]
Ah yes, murder most fowl. Excellent.
My daughter wanted this triple chocolate cake and waitress warned me 4 times there was a little chocolate liquer in the icing and she was 12 and I finally said, “It is fine, she isnt driving”
Mom: Hey, suddenly I can see your posts on Twitter now.
Me: Yeah, wow, that was so weird before when you couldn’t.
The rest of the year
May: Murder hornets
June: Sexual harassment spiders
July: Pedophile bears
August: Active shooter lions
September: Burglar Tigers
October: Hijacker sharks
November: Kidnapper Wolves
December: pyramid-scheme alligators
The wife: Thinking about getting a tear drop tattoo
Me: Ha, you’ve never killed anyone!
The wife:
Get in, there’s no time to explain.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: *closes eyes, furrows brow, clenches jaw*
Cop: Sir?
Me: Quiet, please. I need total concentration to read your mind.
“I want to emphasize this paragraph in my email, but putting it in italics doesn’t seem like enough so I’ll also underline it and put it in boldface, a different font and a different color.” -psychopaths
*watches Easy Hairstyle tutorial*
*burns neck with curling iron*
*stabs scalp with bobby pin*
*gets hairspray in eyes*
*wears hair in ponytail*
*puts bike helmet on 4*
my brain: now knock on it a coupla times
me: why?
brain: you just gotta
I want an app for each website I visit. And I want all of them to have loud videos that play automatically. This is my ideal user experience
Jeff Bezos going to space gives me a nervous feeling. Like what if something happens and he doesn’t stay there, you guys?
whoa, you should really talk to someone about that!
— me, first day as a therapist
Scientists: we discovered a worm that eats plastic
Worm: wait we’re eating what