Somebody needs to get my shit together.
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‘Becoming A Mother Has Been The Most Thrilling Experience Of My Life,’ Reports Woman Fleeing Hospital With Stolen Baby
[two weeks into the zombie apocalypse]
Me: [ventures outside] oh my god there’s a zombie apocalypse
Black and white films:
MAN: You there, young man!
A FORTY YEAR OLD MAN: Yes?
*sitting in HR wearing devil horns*
HR: We need to talk about your attire.
Me: I was always told to dress for the job you want.
Yes, yes, everyone is stupid except you.
Answer every question with “Yes, but is it deep-fried?”
She asked me to go deeper so I started quoting Nietzsche
Lingerie.
…or as I like to call it… fancy pants!
ChatGPT’s primary use is to generate plausible excuses to leave dinner at the in-laws’.
My wife is just 3 days younger than me…
So I’ve gotten into the habit of saying “when I was of your age…” and then describing what I did 3 days ago.
Me: Sorry can’t come over, I’m snowed in
MIL: But it’s the middle of summer
Me: snowed in
MIL: and hot
Me: snowed in
MIL: it sum…
Me: SNOW
PRIEST: the child is inhabited by the same evil spirit we crossed paths with!
CHILD [demon voice]: DON’T END A SENTENCE WITH A PREPOSSESSION
“You are what you eat” I whisper to myself as I pour my dead dog’s ashes into my cat’s food bowl
Spice up your life. If an insecure person asks if you’re mad at them, always answer “I don’t know.”
Paranormal Activity, but the demon that drags us out of bed is called “work”
[neil degrasse tyson voice] the film is called Home Alone but thats actually a misnomer. in fact, kevin was joined in his home by 2 burglars
me: [wondering if i she can tell i lied about my job]
the woman cutting my hair: ocean king sounds stressful
me: it can be
The same plot as the Matrix, only the Matrix runs Windows.
The system crashes on its own.
The human race is saved by shitty programming.
Since getting the new iPhone with fingerprint unlock technology I’ve never worried so much about losing my thumb.
A chameleon and a ninja walk into a bar.
Neither one can get the bartender’s attention.
Reporter: Is it true you delivered a pig with TWO heads?!
Farmer: Yes I did
Farmer’s second head: WE did
“I live as a mountain man because I enjoy the isolation and I hate people. Film crews are cool though.” – Mountain Men on History Channel
Sunday
It’s the year 2057, humans are shaped like candy canes from years of looking down at their phones. Striped-clothing is always in fashion.
Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies.
the host of the party told me to make myself comfortable so I went back home to bed
I think there is a delicate balance with photo filters. You may want to get rid of your wrinkles but you don’t want to blur out your nose.
professor X: what’s your power?
me:
professor X: wow, me too, you’re in.
This came to me in a dream.
“What race was the guy?” – a question you’ll never have to ask my uncle during a story.