Somebody needs to get my shit together.
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*runs into a burning building to save the fire*
Okay so this is wild. I’m using this ticket machine in Japan and it malfunctions and doesn’t give me my change.
Suddenly, a panel in the wall opens in the wall and a guy appears and tells me to hold on and then gives me my change.
Men: nothing is sexier than a woman with a great sense of humor
Also men: except, like, a really sexy woman
Decided to eat outside and a gust of wind just blew half my salad away. Welcome to British summer.
If you ever see me ironing and smiling, know that I have been body snatched like one of those Stepford wives.
Feeling betrayed because my kid found my stash of Reese’s peanut butter cups that I originally took from his stash
Me: Got my finger stuck in this beer bottle.
Wife: How?!
M: Just help me.
W: Have you tried butter?
M: It’s delicious. Now will you help me?
I couldn’t be a magician. I’d never be able to make something just vanish into thin air.
ALSO ME: I’m gonna put this in a safe place…
Me: I just killed a HUGE spider!
Him: It was actually a piece of yarn.
Me: A HUGE, scary piece of yarn!
mobster: are you wearing a wire?
me: *speaking directly into the potted plant I’m carrying* no, of course not
I woke up this morning next to a dead fly that I don’t know. I need to stop drinking.
women at the gym use every other treadmill like men do urinals
Lead me not into temptation. I already know the quickest routes.
*Asks soulmate*
What is your dream car and why?Minivan, because the sliding door <joining in> MAKES IT EASIER FOR DRIVE-BY BAZOOKA ATTACKS
I was so busy yesterday, my smart phone had 75% battery left at the end of the day.
I shit you not I just had this convo on the plane…
Stewardess – Are you a comedian?
Me – Yes
Her – I thought so. I recognized you from the website, “comedian.”
When people start a sentence with “believe it or not” I’m like wow, those are two very good options
I think I might be ready to start dating again?
Husband:
Me: You sound like a broken record.
12:
Me: *sigh* You sound like a corrupted digital audio file.
12: Oh. Gotcha. Thanks for translating from ancient Sumerian to English.
[quickly jumps into the back of a cab]
ME: How far will this get me? *i hand the driver 14 peanut m&ms with the chocolate sucked off*
toddler: daddy do you like this book?
me: no
toddler: *snuggles in* perfect
The name Ella is short for Mozzarella
God: this pie is outstanding. where’d you get the apples?
Eve: ok promise you won’t get mad
me: i’m sorry
gordon ramsay: yes donkey sorry for what?
me: i’m sorry i burnt the quesadillas
gordon ramsay: that’s better big boy
me: look man you’re gonna have to leave this is a private residence
I couldn’t own a dog. The look of disappointment in its eyes when I throw a ball as far as I can and it lands right in front of me.
watching the kids play hide and seek in the park and mine just hid behind a chain link fence
at least we don’t have to save for college
Why don’t they just get Jehovah’s Witnesses to deliver the mail?
I just watched the uncut version of Scarface…….it’s called Face.
I could never succeed at chemistry. I Guess that’s why it’s called chemist “try”