Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

These aliens are taking forever.

Sell your car

The rest of you just need to get fat because I don’t feel like going to the gym anymore…

Why was six afraid of seven? Generations of institutionalized bigotry.

Told my 9 year old school is cancelled for at least 4 weeks due to coronavirus and he asked why scientists don’t just develop “nanorobots to go in our blood and eat the virus.” So if you lazy scientists could hurry it up he’d appreciate it thnx

if any of you are fans of deep house music blasted at high volume, i’d highly recommend the grocery store around the corner from me.

INTERVIEWER: Why do you want to work here?

ME: *crumbs tumbling from my mouth* Oh, I don’t. I was just walking by and saw you had donuts.

Ever worry that spiders have 8 slippers to slap you with?

Me *trying to buy yet another gardening device*

Home Depot employee: I’m sorry, you exceeded your rake limit

First thing I’m doing after getting vaccinated is going to visit my little brother. Second thing I’m doing is waiting until he uses the restroom to sync my phone with his Nest thermostat so I can change the temperature in his home from anywhere in the world. This is how I love.

bully: [grabs journal] what’s this? “tweet ideas”?

me: hey give that back 🙁

[he opens it and the only entry reads “hobo is short for homeless boneless”]

I really dislike my CW, so everyday I steal a Kleenex from her desk. In about 500 days, she’s gonna be pissed.

your honor my client feels very bad he got caught

Don’t you hate it when you’re SO tired because it’s been SUCH a long week and then you look at the calendar and see that it is, in fact, only Monday?

Absolutely no one

Me (3 days later thinking): hmm he never argued against the fact that I said I weigh more than him….

“Be cool, it’s the cops” I said to my 3 cats I dressed up like robbers as my other 3 cats came out of the kitchen dressed like policemen

The idiot’s diet is just biting your tongue.

I hereby declare this fall as The Fall of B!

Oh wait.

To whoever has my old phone number: I truly hope you’re enjoying those texts from that guy I met at that thing

A router goes into a doctor’s office and says, “It hurts when IP.”

I’m 53 years old unless I’m driving at night in the rain. Then I’m 107.

Officer, I know I was speeding, but you have to let me go. I’m running late to a concert and I’m the guy who brings the giant beach ball.

pretending all the cars I’m passing on the road are in a race with me and the cars that pass me are Not in the race they’re just driving somewhere

Guys, I need help with a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.

I thought I’d buy all my scratch off lottery tickets at the busiest gas station in town. What? Oh no I don’t know which ones I’ll pick them out when i get to the register

Winner of unnecessarily terrifying headline of the year announced:

So, Tim Cook came out of the cloud?

Seems kinda suspicious

My mind: Age is just a number!

My lower back: Lolololololol

PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask

ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged

Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?

JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back