“Somebody needs to go to the store!”-mom yelling from the kitchen
“Jason, you think you’re somebody. Why don’t you go to the store?”- Dad
You Might Also Like
“Knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock”
“Who’s there?”
“An octopus”
If the US admits that Trump’s presidential campaign is a hoax then Australia will come clean about the platypus.
I just made coffee without coffee in it… I made water.
How’s your day going?
“We like the idea, we do. We’re just afraid it’s going to keep the viewer awake.” – Sundance Channel execs
We’re all in this together. Now, make a human shield, peasants.
Why are they called drug mules instead of methengers?
Devil: Welcome to Hell. Do you know why you’re here?
Me: Um…
D: Seriously?
M: …
D: Arianna, you told your kids they couldn’t have brownie dough because it would give them salmonella and then you ate that shit with your hands after they left.
M: AND ID DO IT AGAIN
We have family pictures in 10 days. If everyone starts getting ready now we can still be late.
I found a flea on my dog and sprayed him down with a homemade vinegar solution and now I know what pickled dog smells like.
me: [sneaking out of a funeral] this is DEAD boring lol
mourner: [whispering] hey where’s the priest going
do beavers even know what they’re doing or do they just see water flowing down a river and think “absolutely not”
[trying to fall asleep]
SHEEP: count us
ME: im good, thanks
SHEEP: *louder* count us
ME:nope
SHEEP: *yelling* count us
ME:*sighs* one, two, thr…
SHEEP: follow us*one hour later*
ME: *knitting a scarf* this is so relaxing
me, age 21: *pulls an all nighter* yay!
me, age 37: *sleeps the whole night* yay!
My favorite machine at the gym is the water fountain.
me forcing my cat to look at the screen while we watch alien (1979): do you see how ripley is able to save jonesy from the alien because he lets her pick him up and put him in a carrier?
Every dog, in a previous life, has been murdered by a shoe.
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow.
ME: *paying bills online* I’d wait
Hey Fun Fact:
Remember that “You Wouldn’t Steal A Car” anti-piracy ad? The guy who wrote the music for that ad was never paid for their work
This Fun Fact™ brought to you by:
Stealing — It’s Okay If You’re A Corporation!
40% of North American teens can’t even find ISIS on a map. Talk about ignorant
oh the aliens aren’t speaking to us right now because idk they’re pissed that we flaked out on that pyramid project they started or whatever
*seasons greetings*
*eats greetings*
I’m don’t feel trying anything new, I’ll just have pizza missionary style tonight.
Never, ever ask a woman if she’s pregnant unless you see an actual baby being born. Even then, act surprised.
[Robot Uprising]
Human: Oh no a robot! What kind are you?
Robot: I am a counting machine
Human: Oh thank g—
Robot: Now killing human #53822
[murder scene]
MORGAN FREEMAN: there are 7 deadly sins: Pride, greed, envy, lust, wrath and gl– [sees victim wearing crocs] There are 8 dea
Me: I won’t force religion on my child
Also me: *decorates 3’s room in all Marvel stuff*
I’m going to the gym. If you don’t hear from me again…I died.
How many times should you punch the job interviewer to show how tough you are because so far they’re not happy with just the one
I thought you all should know that there’s a guy who just does VR drunk driving all day
gorilla trainer: don’t make direct eye contact with him he sees it as a threat
gorilla optometrist: uh oh