“Somebody needs to go to the store!”-mom yelling from the kitchen
“Jason, you think you’re somebody. Why don’t you go to the store?”- Dad
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“I was exposed to COVID and have to quarantine” is now my go to excuse to get out of literally everything.
Technically it was only Jesus’s last supper.
Why aren’t the people in old timey photos ever smiling? Because they were in constant danger of getting eaten by dinosaurs. READ A BOOK.
Then he told me, “Where you see only one set of footprints, that’s where I had to carry you because you drank all the water I turned into wine.”
1st toddler: Here is a book you can look at.
2nd toddler: Here is a toy you can play with.
3rd toddler: Here is something you can break.
If you can’t handle me at my worst you’re really missing out on some interesting things to tell your therapist
If you turn it upside down, a pyramid scheme works out nicely for everyone except the one guy at the bottom.
3yo: Why do we have a room just for the toilet and the bath?
Me: So people can have privacy when they’re going to the bathroom or taking a shower.
3yo: Why would someone want that?
I think I’m beginning to understand the root of much of our disconnect.
Sunday
[me as a snake handler]
Hi, I’m here to put handles on all your snakes.
It’s all fun and games until you realize he understands Spanish.
The movie theatre: No outside food or candy allowed
Me:
Last time I went trick or treating, a high school bully stole my candy. Later I heard he spent 10yrs in prison which is totally unbelievable because I didn’t press charges.
me as a child: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
me as an adult: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
me on my death bed: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
[someone breaks into the house]
Your dog: I will protect my family and our belongings
My dog: OMG OMG NEW FRIENDS HI I LOVE YOU LETS PLAY
[cloud watching]
GIRLFRIEND: That one looks like a ring.
ME: I think it looks like two people taking it slow despite the pregnancy.
My Mom taught me to treat others the way I want to be treated so I always walk up to strangers and spray canned cheese in their mouth.
walgreen’s cashier: how’s your evening going?
me: WELL IM BUYING LICE SHAMPOO HERE RACHEL SO NOT TOO GREAT SO FAR
My son’s method of Laundry: If it’s clean it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty then it goes on the floor over there.
Me: what was with King Solomon having 300 concubines?
Bible scholar: it’s a mistranslation
[Flashback]
King Solomon: more porcupines
these minion tweets are getting pretty gru some
The great thing about playing the bagpipes is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
Just took a DNA test and it turns out I’m 100% being arrested for shoplifting
dutch so unserious
Somebody’s lying.
I’m often mistaken for an adult because of my age
Shout out to the guy behind me flashing red & blue lights.
Love a good morning stretch that turns into an involuntary pterodactyl screech
*snowstorm rolls through*
*work closes*
Me: “This is the greatest day of my life!”
*daycare closes*
Me: “I wish I was dead.”