Sorry about the mess, but cleaning really chips my nail polish.
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Why I’m starting to hate Twitter…
ohhhhh my GOD I just told the dog “hey we’ll go for a walk once the baby’s awake, okay?”
and she looked at me, ran upstairs, stuck her head in the nursery, and HOWLED
*drops my 13 year-old daughter off at a friend’s house*
*picks her up when she turns 20*
The reason I like true crime stuff is you can watch it and be like, “damn, I really do have my shit together. I almost never murder my whole family”
[TV detective with a photograph walking into any bar]
bartender: *cleaning a glass* yeah I remember that complete stranger, no matter how long ago, how busy we were, or if I even worked here.
Daughter has prom tomorrow so I’ve been practicing my “Menacing Dad Face” all day….so far I’ve had a colleague offer me Tums.
If you love Batman, let him go, because Batman Returns.
Back in the good old days, we didn’t have to trim our toenails they just got wore down naturally from running from dinosaurs
I put construction worker experience on my resume because I’ve done build a bear several times.
Absence does not make the heart grow fonder.
Unless you’re talking about Oreos.
“Get better” is a nice thing to write on a card. “Get better soon” feels a little threatening though. What’s the rush
My wife says she can breakdown cardboard packaging for the recycling bin better than I can. I think I will just let her have that one.
I don’t get people who stay virgins until after marriage. Its like buying a car without having sex with it first
Sunday afternoon is for relaxing, so watch this go in a loop as many times as you need
An hourglass timer, but it’s just my 7yo slowly pouring sand from his shoe when we’re running late.
Release that sexual frustration, get a burger.
“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret. – Ambrose Bierce
“you are strong. you are smart,” i whisper to myself as i struggle to figure out whether to push or pull on a door
If someone brought me coffee right now I would follow them around like an imprinted baby bird forever.
Ended a date early one time so I could come home and eat my hawaiian bbq leftovers before anyone else got to it
My former boss’s wife posted a photo of their youngest child on Facebook and I commented, “you’re right, he does look just like me!”
And now we wait…
judge: *banging gavel* guilty
me: *twirling my hair* of being too handsome?
judge: *giving me a little kiss on the cheek* of murder
[First date]
Me: I’m gonna need to hear how you think the word “loser” is spelled.
therapist: so what’s the problem?
me: i have crippling self-doubt
therapist: are you sure?
me: …
therapist: …
me: no
Dam, girl. What did you think I was building?
– Beaver
Wolverines are just smaller, easier to peel wolves.
MARRIAGE TIP: When your wife forgets to set the timer and incinerates dinner, DO NOT whistle “If I Only Had a Brain” from the Wizard of Oz.
Sheryl Crow: This ain’t no disco. This ain’t no country club either.
Sheryl Crow – The world’s worst archaeologist.