My kids never finish their dinner because they’re saving room for bath water.
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Today (Sept. 17) is international Batman day!
#BatmanDay #webcomic #Weird
My college girlfriend texted me for the first time in 10 years this weekend and I’m 1 million percent sure this is Adele’s fault
to discover what’s going on with justin bieber we caught up with his manager scooter braun, who is named after two different types of razors
I feel it
Customer: oh hey, I almost ran you over in the parking lot lmao
Me: what stopped you
Living well is decent revenge but the kind with catapults and fire is way better.
Shout out to the top 5 cakes in the world, crab, pan, pound, urinal and let them eat.
hello yes welcome, would you like something to drink? I have the milk of various nuts? season three of la croix? perhaps the ginger beer I was optimistic about last summer but it turned out to be so incredibly violent? mouth spritz of whipped cream?
When a guy on a date says “how are you still single” apparently you’re not supposed to tell him
Sharing a streaming account with someone who doesn’t have their own profile is like gaslighting yourself.
“I don’t remember watching this”
SS: Yes you did. See right here? That’s where you stopped watching.
“You sure? I really don’t remember watching this”
GUY: Your logic is flawed. According to experts-
ME: Excuse me, but I practiced this argument in my head & you’re saying the wrong things
Women just want to make us better men, not drain our life essence. And sharks are just trying to kiss us but their teeth get in the way.
In case you don’t watch Crime TV let me just tell you, if you’re going to commit a crime don’t take your cell phone with you.
Went braless for a quick trip to the store…ran into 3 exes, 5 celebrities, my mother-in-law, her church group, a live reporting TV news crew, and Jesus.
*Daycare drop off*
4yo: *very loudly* Mommy you have a watermelon belly. *pats my belly* Yup, that just what a watermelon sounds like.
These fireworks are awesome! High four!
Movie Trivia: Cloverfield was just Khloe Kardashian on a shopping trip in New York
I remember a short time in my life when I didn’t like hot dogs. 5 is a challenging age.
my son needs help with his math project so i did what any good parent would do. i slipped out the back door and started a new life in costa rica
Husband: How much did you spend on those new boots?
Me: *turns on the blender* What?
Husband: I said…
Me: *turns on the vacuum* Sorry, can’t hear you!
I just hid a big bag of Easter peanut butter cups in the back of the freezer. In July I’ll find them and be very pleased then convinced I have dementia.
Maybe I did use cilantro because I knew you hate it, but good luck proving that.
Parenting pro-tip: don’t own nice shit.
Kids: We’re bored.
Me: Here’s a dime. Call someone who cares.
Kids: What?
Me: When I was a kid that was an insult.
Kids: Why?
Me: We had phones you had to put coins-
Kids: Why wouldn’t you just text them for free?
Me: So we didn’t have textin-
Kids: OMG HOW OLD ARE YOU
“Moooooooo”
– bilingual donkey
Tonight a woman showed me a picture of her 6’2, muscled up, super hot 21 year old son, and I calmly said, “What a handsome young man,” instead of “Holy shit,” even though I’d had 3 Cosmopolitans, if anyone is looking to hire a diplomat.
Looking for my glasses that my 5yo hid, but not having much success because I CAN’T FIND MY GLASSES.
Well, the Fourth of July is over, you know what that means… time for the stores to start putting out their Christmas stuff…
My signature move is getting drunk before anyone can ask me to be the designated driver.