Somebody out there is thinking of you and the impact you have in their life. It’s not me, I think you’re an idiot.
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Me: I CAN’T BREATHE
EMT: *checks my pulse*
Me: I’M GONNA DIE
EMT: What happened?
Yoga instructor: He was putting his shoes on
[Watching Star Trek with my date]
ME: *leans in* It’s called Star Trek but the stars don’t actually go anywhere.
them: the new Batman film will be totally raw and gritty
me:
Every time I go to the dentist they’re like, “you need a whole new mouth and that will be $23,000.” I’m like, “thank you for my cleaning. I will see you in six months.”
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
Boss: I expect total transparency from my staff
Trevor: That’s not always practic—
John the Jellyfish: NO PROBLEM BOSS
When I say “wow, that’s crazy”, 99 percent of the time, it means I haven’t been listening to a word of your conversation.
Everyone is thinking about who they’ll kiss at midnight, and all I can think about is meatballs.
‘what goes on inside your head?’ nothing i wanna be a part of
[at fire-station]
“I’m putting together a naked firemen calendar and wondered if you guys would like to be involved?”
“Sure. What charity is it for?”
“Charity?”
ME: I just feel like sometimes you take me for granted.
MY CAT: I literally have no idea who you are.
The Joker furiously scrolling through Batman’s old tweets for anything problematic
Me: *notices the tooth paste is low and buys a new tube.
Also me: *somehow makes that old tube last three more months.
What do cheeky people drink out of?
A smug.
Him: I missed a flight once and that plane crashed
Me: *nodding* Yeah, I bought cashews once and didn’t notice they were unsalted until just before I paid
PILOT OVER INTERCOM: alright folks, by a show of hands, who has ever made a small and understandable mistake?
[god creating hotdogs]
inflate that worm
The cranberries used to write songs that would get stuck in your head, in your heeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad!
“Hi, I’d like a Junior McChicken and a cheeseburger please.”
“$3.23.”
“Oh, and a bottle of water.”
“$87.54. Please drive thru.”
I didn’t sign up for the 401k at work, because there’s no way I can run that far.
you accidentally send 2 people to hell, and all of a sudden nobody wants to play with you anymore
ME [giving a PowerPoint presentation]: *points so hard*
You know you have something special w someone when u start finishing their sentences. But enough about me & my local Subway sandwich artist
A younger person at work was telling us she made bagels herself at home.
Impressive, until we found out that she meant buying them at the coffee shop then taking them home to toast
Me: They were out of tampons, so I got you a box of bandaids instead.
Her:
[at train station]
Cashier: May I help you?
Me (thumbing through a wad of Monopoly money): Yeah, I’d like to buy this place
Wife: Why can’t you just say phrases correctly?!
Me: Well aren’t you a ray of sunscreen.
Why do they call it a ‘reading of the will’ and not a dead giveaway?
water it, i dare you
*God invents corgis*
God: what ingredients do we have left
Angel: uh, a meatloaf and some pig feet
God: lol check this out