Somebody out there is thinking of you and the impact you have in their life. It’s not me, I think you’re an idiot.
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i don’t “get” knights. i’m not calling some guy sir just because an old lady that eats beans for breakfast tapped him with a sword
American cheese is just regular cheese that’s not afraid to fight for freedom! Also, it’s fatter than the other cheeses. And more racist.
Some people are just better left alone.
In a jacket, in a room with padded walls.
*crosses the street slowly in front of your car at an extreme and unnecessary angle*
If they could bottle how good it feels to take off your bra, that would sell for more than any expensive wine.
Being a little kid must be so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and your teeth will soon start to fall out.
H. P. Lovecraft implies the existence of H. P. Livecraft and H. P. Laughcraft
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He hired a clown for my nana’s funeral”
PEOPLE NEEDED CHEERING UP, KAREN
Bacardi, no sugar is how I take my coffee.
“Have you tried… not thinking about skeletons?” my therapist asks.
I look at her.
I look at the skeleton inside her trying to trick me.
[calls up friend]
Remember when you said I wouldn’t ever make it on TV? Well turn on the news!
“Okay, but why are you calling from jail?”
So, what’s the suspension like on one of these? Does it have good road handling? What’s the spring rate?
~ me, bra shopping
Let’s bring back the word HOOTENANNY
This goddamn CVS receipt is taller than I am
I can understand why chickens wake up and scream
Welcome to my home. There are 43 night lights just in case you’d like to wander the house at 3am.
*replaces birthday candles with flamethrowers for fun*
*wakes up in Emergency*
The year is 2491. The machines patrol the dusty ruins looking for the last pockets of human resistance. And they STILL haven’t managed to make a packet of biscuits where the “tear here” is aligned with where you actually have to tear.
My husband just asked me in the kindest voice if I wanted some water, and I said, “You know, I’d love some water?” And I turned around and he was carrying the dog’s water bowl to her….(Reader, he was not asking me if I wanted water.)
My daughter is too old for Disney channel movies so I obviously need another kid.
Had my mom call me to get out of a meeting, but now I’m stuck in a call with my mom
me: pls don’t do that
kids: [do it anyway]
me: I told you not to do that
kids: are you new
rich people: i’m on a list?
lawyer: yes
rich people: forbes?
lawyer: no
Thanks for the swallow!
-bird collectors (you perv!!!)
Netflix: Are you still watching?
me: yes
Netflix: is that a book in your hands?
me: *gulp* no
Finally sorted the Tupperware cupboard. Only took 20 minutes and fifty seven days.
Me: Well, basically it sounds like when you’re crouching in an abandoned building on a remote planet in the future and a Cylon is scanning for your presence to destroy you.
Dishwasher Repair Man: That will be $200.