Somebody out there is thinking of you and the impact you have in their life. It’s not me, I think you’re an idiot.
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boy calls me cute: thanks i guess
boy calls me funny: *voice muffled as I pull my shirt over my head* so I’m thinking a destination wedding
[job interview]
Interviewer: So what makes you think you’d be a good waiter here?
Octopus: I just really feel like I could bring a lot to the table.
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: I’ve got 21K followers on Twitter.
Doctor: A simple “No” would have been sufficient.
Just ate so many carrots I can see through drywall.
The @NewYorker buying Twitter ads to promote its article about how Twitter is dying kind of undercuts the thesis
Me: [Advancing my knight] How much to build a hotel on this square?
Grim Reaper: First, as I explained, that’s not how the horse moves.
The CIA should be exclusively recruiting women over 60 as spies – we are invisible and no one can hear us
It’s only a murder of crows if there’s probable caws
[First Date]
Me: I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
Me: *on table, hunched over like four plates of nachos, hissing* My precioussss.
Man: Is there a doctor in the house?
Dr: I have a PHD in literature
Man: This man is having a heart attack!
Dr: Thou know’st ’tis common; all that lives must die…
my cat was hiding under my bed like a paranoid weirdo so I put his bowl under there and he spurned it all day long & I forgot about it and of course I just awoke to the terrifying sound of an animal devouring something under my bed
If I had a dollar for every time a first-time pregnant woman looked me in the face and told me she could tell that her baby was gonna have a “chill personality,” I could buy you a Subway™️ sandwich. Not one of the cheap ones either, one of the limited series.
[job interview]
“Tell me a weakness.”
I never finish what I start.
“Care to elaborate?”
*grabbing my stuff* Nah, I gotta get going.
Every morning after I get up, the first thing I do is make my bed.
Tomorrow I’m returning this piece of shit to IKEA.
#HatDadJoke
Since I started making yachts in my shed, sails have gone through the roof
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
True friendship is when you walk into someone’s house, and your WiFi connects automatically..
“Bad actors” is a wild term because it could mean when the government is doing war crimes but it could also just mean Jared Leto
How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in a frying pan?
Take away its tiny brooms 🧹
WIFE: can you fold the clothes in the dryer?
ME: *climbing in* I can try
boss: well, happy Tuesday everybody, you know what Tuesday means!
me: haha yep ti–
boss: tacos!
me: tacos!
Admit it, no one really knows how to use the memory function on a calculator. We’re all just too embarrassed to ask now.
Doc: have you been displaying any symptoms of vampirism?
Me: I’ve been..
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: Coffin.
Doc: get out
Shopping for a toaster yesterday I came across this review.
“Easy to use instructions.”
I saw a horse last week and didn’t immediately say ‘horse” but it finally came out today in the middle of an important meeting and everyone thought I was brain storming
Dads will insist the Masters is exciting while also napping through it.
How to be a politician 101:
Answer all yes/no questions with the words “Well, look” and then answer a completely different question.
No president next term. America needs to be single for a while to focus on herself.
*jogging*
Me: *out of breath* go on I’ll catch up
Him: *turns around to see me eating a can of cherry pie filling*