Somebody out there is thinking of you and the impact you have in their life. It’s not me, I think you’re an idiot.
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Ran into an ex-girlfriend. We talked, exchanged info, and she said her “insurance would call” me. Someones still carrying a torch!
Me: I’m really enjoying this disaster movie.
Him: That’s the news.
I come from a time when my belly was flat and my TV was fat
Now my TV is flat and my belly is…OOOOO LOOK OREO’s
Do the people who make chairs know what humans look like or nah
If Oasis teamed up with Blur they’d be Mirage.
“Can you cook dinner tonight?”
Can’t. New meds say I can’t operate any heavy machinery and that stove doesn’t look light
[Job interview]
“Under “skills” you have odd compliments.”
“You look like you’d have soft bones.
“Thank you?”
As my mate Simon once said, there should be a German word for “there should be a German word for”.
Me, as a vampire: Tell me, mortal…have you eaten anything spicy in the last 24 hours?
I feel a bit overdressed here at WalMart because my pajamas match.
Chemical wingman
wife: please don’t do anything stupid
me: ok… wait,
tonight or ever?
Tell me again how your unborn child will not see a screen before she’s 8. I want to write down your exact words.
me, making small talk: so. i see you also have a face.
After 17 years I can say with authority that the key to a long marriage is being too lazy to get up off the couch and set your spouse on fire
My phone says “missed calls”. Which is an odd description for something I watched happen.
hm so saying “oh god” and “oh yes” during sex is acceptable and encouraged but as soon as i say “oh text RESIST to 50409 to support net neutrality” im suddenly ruining the mood??
Pringles, it’s time to widen the can. Your target demographic isn’t thin-wristed.
ME: I’m off to that meeting
BOSS: Forget something?
M: Yes! [kisses boss gently on forehead]
B: I meant your pen [whispers] but thank you
We didn’t need tutors when I was a kid, we just cheated
internet flirting is all fun and games until someone buys a plane ticket
I think all public hand dryers should be activated by a sinister laugh.
Dammit, phone. It’s always been ‘this’ and never ‘thus.’ I’ve got clumsy sausage fingers, not a conclusion to my dissertation.
Yes, lady who took two parking spaces. I’m the reason you can’t get in your car from the drivers side.
Have a nice day 🙂
The legends were true
me: god made me weak because he feared what i could do
my wife’s boyfriend: it’s okay bud, you loosened the jar for me
THE INVENTOR OF CRYING: what if I told you that there was something you could do at both weddings and funerals
Saw a dog mark every single mailbox in sight but his own. Thought of you.
Some early signs you’re growing up:
1. Checking expiration dates
2. Reading before signing
3. Preemptive pee before going anywhere
Everyone thinks their kids are normal until you’re leaving instructions for a sitter and you’re like, “do not open the applesauce pouch all the way- open it halfway, hand it to him, and back away slowly. Also he has to sleep with 3 pacifiers and Lightning McQueen.”