Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*pandemic ends*
Mother Nature: HOW ARE THEY STILL ALIVE??!!!

Huh, this is a first

Never had an ambulance follow me to the gym before

They must know

relationship goals

So I guess pigeons are actually wealthy: “Racing pigeon sells for record $1.9 million after frantic bidding war.”

Realizing that someone else will be in charge of this shitshow is really a selling point for demon possession

“Have u seen my cat?”
“I saw a cat down the road?”
“Really? [shows me a picture] was it this cat?”
“No, the one I saw was dead.”

[broken down by the side of the road]

ME: I think it’s the carburetor.
WIFE: You sure?
ME: Absolutely.
WIFE: Do you even know what that is?
ME: Of course.
WIFE: What does a carburetor do?
ME: It carburetes.

CHILD: I thought you liked Froot Loops.

TOUCAN SAM: *eating an egg salad sandwich he brought from home* Look, kid, it’s just a job.

Unicorn: why can’t you create me again?

God: no one is going to believe a horse has a horn it’s too ridiculous.

Unicorn: I guess you’re right.

[Narwhal swims by]

Unicorn: w-was that a whale with a horn?

God:

Unicorn:

God: technically that’s a tooth.

A remake of The Ring, except it’s Jeff Goldblum joyfully crawling out of your TV.

genie: hello-

me: i wish for a goth figure skater to get into the olympics and do a routine to welcome to the black parade

6-year-old: Why do cars have cup holders?

Me: For cups.

6: But you can’t drink and drive.

holy crap!! when I said “take care of them” I meant snacks & drinks

Be brave. Tell your boss “I don’t think we are quite there yet” when he uses your first name.

I got fired from my job as a diesel
fitter in a panties factory.

We would hold the panties up,
inspect them and say “Dese’ll fit her”

Everyone talks about having an inner child but I have an inner raccoon who tells me to embrace the dark circles under my eyes, sleep all day and eat delicious trash

I have 7 TV controllers on my coffee table. All are decoys.

The real controller stays on my person at all times.

According to this box of spaghetti I am an Italian family of 8

If you think the astronauts on the space station are getting on your nerves, imagine how annoyed they are with each other

They should have made a pool raft that looked like a broken door when Titanic was in theaters.

I bet it would have sold millions.

Me: hello, police? I think I’m living with a murderer! Last night, she came home with a body… Crap! She just came in.

Cat: *meow*

Me: *buys anything at the store*

Wife: Was it on sale?

Me: Yes.

Wife: Did you use a coupon?

Me: Yes.

Wife: Did you use your discount card?

Me: Oops.

Wife: You’ve brought shame on us all.

Honestly babies are so lazy like hold up your own head Charles, you have literally nothing else to do.

I lifted my hands up in the air and waved them like I just didn’t care…..

Ceiling fan: 6
Me: 0

I’m not saying I’m on Amazon a lot but I did notice it was down before they did.

This man told me he was going to convince me to date him bc he is AmeriCAN not American’t and I’m officially applying to move to Mars now

I reached down to adjust my left bra cup this morning, lost my grip, and punched myself in the chin.

I like to listen to the national anthems during the award ceremonies. I’m into country music.

I’m totally fine with everyone leaving the country if Trump wins or if Hillary wins. I need more space