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bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road
guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!
bouncer: oh sorry, 2 minutes down the road
restaurant hosts will be like “let’s sit them at table 26Bq105” and then a server will just be like “ok follow me”
might quit my job to focus on actually putting away my laundry
Going to a strangers baby shower 45 minutes away, this baby better make an appearance for all that effort.
Me: I would literally die for my friends, I love them so much
Therapist: but what about you? Do you love yourself enough to d-
Me: oh I would die for myself too
#SaturdayBears
Someone just told me to tone it down a notch. So disrespectful. I don’t have notches. I’m analog. I’m continuous. We have smidgens. I’ll tone it down a smidgen.
Her: Oh, a handsome man like you must be used to compliments.
Me: Yes, but do go on…
DATING TIP: OFFER THEM WATER. PUT 2 STRAWS IN.
ROMANTIC WATER.
Yesterday’s me was confident enough to pack a bikini. Today’s me now has to live with that poor decision.
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
why does this building look like a guilty dog
It’s really hard to be stealthy while carrying half a box of Tic Tacs.
The more you know.
If the police ask, I was in my house from 2009 to 2013.
Airbnb should have an option if you just want to use someone’s bathroom for a few minutes
I suppose I should be thankful that I’m a single adult. Life would be much more complicated if I were multiple adults.
Highway cops are so childish. Oh you’re hiding behind a bush in your Ford Escape? Gonna pop out and chase me? Grow up
Babies have little hands and odd sleep schedules which is why my gym for buff infants has miniature equipment and stays open 24hrs.
wife: im pregnant
me: what? im not ready to be a mother we still have petty arguments
wife: im the mother
me: this is what I’m talking about
Simply Red’s piano player just couldn’t be arsed
My friend has a four-year-old and they’re teaching him Spanish in preschool. She said “Can you say ‘hello’ in Spanish?” He responded “Hello in Spanish.”
Next time a man invites me to his house without getting to know me, I’m going to go but I’m going to steal his microwave plate. Like straight up take that shit.
Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
Finish all your pizza or you don’t get any ice cream!
– me, making my kids eat their dinner before dessert
#NoRestForTheWicked
pretty disappointing remote islands don’t control other islands.
*Thunder, lightning and buckets of rain outside the window*
Spouse: “Hand me my phone so I can check the weather.”
What I thought I was doing: Leaving my house for a girls’ afternoon at a local winery.
What I was actually doing: Explaining to my 5yo why he can’t call the police just because his dad asked him to pick up his Legos.
*gets out of bed*
*steps on something*
me: Ugh
*turns light on*
wife: What is it?
me: The cat caught another smart car
Brain: Let’s play a game.
Me: What?
Brain: Remember where you parked before the ice cream melts.
Me: Fuuuuu……