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I’m good in short bursts like grenades or gamma radiation.
I can’t believe I live in a world where our only defense against a blizzard is buying extra milk.
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Aether is both a noun and a verb.
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HER: what’s with all the finger pointing
ME [sharpening my other pinky]: tradition
[Surrounded by a million deer]
Genie: You said you wanted a million bucks.
Homer: D’oh.
I was up at 3:30am today and now I am required by Dad Law to bring it up in every single conversation at work today
Remember to leave milk and cookies out for Captain America tonight.
*cocks gun*
Me: “Go ahead.”
Horse: “Just be cool, man.”
Me: “DRINK.”
Horse: “No problem. It’s just a stupid expression.”
Contact me if there’s an emergency. This includes if you’re planning on giving your pet a stupid name.
him: you any good at throwing axes
me: just call me lizzie borden
“I FIXED IT!”
My neck my back my allergy attack
Was getting into my electric car and a dude was like “I’ve heard those are worse than normal cars for the environment.”
“Oh yeah, way worse. That’s why I got it.”Just agree with people. They have nowhere to go.
COP: *looking at my license* new jersey?
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
At least once a day my daughter does something I can’t comprehend, and I stare at her like a caveman who just stumbled across a fighter jet.
[having helped prep some pistachios while my wife spends two hours putting together the rest of the meal] How about those nuts, huh? You can really taste the deshelling
Whether you’re a fan of Hallowe’en or not, you have to give it credit for being the last line of defence against Christmas advancing even earlier into the year, a ragtag gang of goths holding the line against a battalion of baubled barbarians
A big FUCK YOU to people driving small cars and pulling deep into parking spaces so I think I have a spot until the last second.
Life advice:
1.Never be afraid to say what’s on your mind
2.Never be afraid to do what’s on your mind
3.Don’t take life advice on Twitter
What do electric cars and diarrhea have in common.
The fear of not making it home.
#RubbishJokes
#WednesdayThought
My son would never be living in my basement as an adult. He’s smart, ambitious, hard-working, but most of all, he knows the WiFi down there sucks.
My 4 year old said he wants to go to JFK for some chicken. He won’t be majoring in history.
professor x: whats your superpower?
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
The winner of the smallest pet amphibian contest was so tiny it was my newt.
“Well, I guess I’ll stagger around, speak gibberish, & touch all the shit I’m not supposed to while you get irritated.”
Drunks & toddlers.
Im gonna tell my daughter to lay off the liquor, cause I love her! (…and I dont want her to mess up her kidneys before I need one)
You’re locked in a room with nothing but 88 keys, none of which unlock the door. How do you escape?
A piano has 88 keys! All you need to do is play a scale on the piano, then step on the scale and get a weigh.
Kinda weird that you can’t tickle yourself, but masturbation works.
Truth. 😆😭😮💨
