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I put up Diwali lights, and can’t wait to flex on other dads by telling them I’m all set for Christmas
In the mood for a horror show so I’m gonna sit back and watch as my kids make a haunted gingerbread house with full blown colds and no Kleenex.
I complained about a crying baby to the flight attendant; turns out they won’t accommodate you if the baby is yours
Just hung a picture of Steve Buscemi over my daughters toothbrush to ensure proper brushing.
Medium: You want to contact your late husband?
Me: Yes.
Medium: How do you intend to pay for this?
Me: OMG it’s him.
I went on a walk today through a hiking trail. And I can’t be certain, but I think nature touched me. It was gross.
Nursing school doesn’t prepare you for the number of elderly patients who will casually confess to decades-old murders.
I love kids…But stop making me hold your baby. Why are you letting people touch your new born?!?
I don’t let people touch my new iPhone
[After inventing a memory loss machine] I should invent a memory loss machine
I hope Obama spends the last 2 years of his term replying to all the tweets we’ve sent him.
Easiest and quickest way to get me to shut up, open my mouth and get on my knees is to simply make it rain Skittles.
Came home to find the couch had moved a few inches, and neither the dog nor the cat will look me in the eye now.
According to my iPhone Health app, I walked 1,787 steps around this Golden Corral buffet tonight …. So I got that going for me.
I can’t decide if you put canned tuna in balloons are they ballunas or tunalloons but either way those kids are going to have a great field day game.
Today I learned that wolves are not ticklish. Tomorrow I need to learn how to tie my shoes with one hand.
My kids baked a cake and now I have to eat it all tonight because it’d be unhealthy for them to eat it for breakfast tomorrow
“You’ve reached 911”
Knock knock
“Sir ple-”
Knock knock
“This is not-”
Knock knock
“ok, who’s there?”
Ben
“Ben who”
Ben shot real bad
“NICE”
Judge: Guilty!
*bangs gavel*NINE MONTHS LATER
*gavel holding freaky gavel-human hybrid baby*
Judge: *tears welling up* ..he has your eyes
I’m a people person.
Mmmf. Sorry, my mouth was full. Let me try again.
I’m a pizza person.
I prefer doing arithmetic naked. Means I can count to 21.
Why are so many people going everywhere whenever I have to go anywhere?
[painfully braiding my jellyfish] but not having you as a friend would hurt more
Can’t I have to change my underwear cause I blew my nose too hard
14: ‘What’s an inheritance?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to worry about, really.’
Dual Citizenship: citizenship of two countries concurrently.
Duel Citizenship: a contest for citizenship between two people with deadly weapons.
I had the audacity to tell my kid to get their own snack and now I’m standing in the corner thinking about my actions.
[grocery store robbery]
ROBBER: *sets gun on conveyor belt so cashier sees*
ME(next in line): *slowly places grocery separator behind gun*