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Its wrong that priests have to live a life of forced celibacy . They should get married and let celibacy come upon them the usual way.
Teen made a complicated dinner
16yo proudly: Let me show you!
Kitchen just as proud: Let me show you too!
I had day surgery today (nothing big) and they were like “don’t make any important decisions in the next 24 hours bc you might not remember them.” But I had to go grocery shopping. Later Morgan was like “you bought … so much, like a lot, of cheese.”
What idiot called it a hot air balloon and not a sphere of heights
“I’d give that five minutes, if I were you.”
me: why’d you pull me over?
cop: I think you know why
me: it’s my eyes isn’t it
cop: …
me: *sigh* they’re hazel
cop: so mysterious
Boy, are you a destination wedding? Cuz I can’t come.
customer: can I get a chicken cesar salad?
me: yes, but he’ll have to eat it outside since we don’t allow pets
manager: can I talk to you
POLICE CHIEF: so did you solve the case
ME: not yet, I spent all week hanging these pictures and newspaper clippings on the wall and connecting them with yarn
CHIEF: …
ME: looks cool doesn’t-
CHIEF: totally looks cool
Be warned, person who set of a whole bunch of fireworks at 4 am–you’ve made a minimally powerful enemy.
‘NO NO NO NO NO NO’ – My brain, every time words start coming out of my mouth.
Wife: I hate it when romance novels say the guy “explored her body.” What’s he going to do, plant a flag? “I claim this booty for England!”
Experts say you can make any statement sound more credible by adding experts say at the beginning
I just drank an entire bottle of wine and feel the urge to help someone with math homework and declare that laundry piles are now furniture.
We got a tornado warning, and I’m too scared to open my windows. Don’t want any sharks in my house.
Wife: *through tears* An 11 foot tombstone seems a bit excessive
Funeral director: Ma’am, your husband was adamant in his wish to list his favorite breakfast cereals ranked by prize quality
Just called to make an appointment with a psychic but she told me that I don’t show up.
Hi, I’m Geoff, and this is my wife Glorrhoea.
Her: You’ve been quiet.
Him: Thank you.
Comic Sans walks into a bar. Barman says “sorry we don’t serve your type in here”
I often miss my train in the morning. And during the rest of the day. I never should have given away that train
If we got paid for how many tweets we put out, some of you would be millionaires in mansions.
I’d be living in Government Assisted Housing.
Is my life this bad because I didn’t forward that email to 15 people back in 2007?
“Kids, grandma just had hip surgery so I need to warn you, she’s not herself.”
*grandma struts in wearing skinny jeans and smoking an E-cig*
If I was a chef I’d be chefboyaredont.
running feels great unless you compare it to not running
I’m not superstitious enough to pay attention to signs and such, but
The supermarket freezer door that holds the cheesecakes just swung open UNASSISTED, and I just don’t think I should question this one guys!!
Ugh.
“What’s wrong honey?”
My bad knee is acting up again.
*knee robs a gas station*
My husband and I have been spending a lot of time together. Now my boyfriend is pissed. It’s like I can’t win.
My man got attacked by a snapping turtle.
I asked the ER doctor if he would get turtle powers and the doctor asked him if he feels safe at home