somebody posted a photo of a cat on nextdoor asking who’s cat it was and so far six people have claimed him
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I don’t hate kids, I hate sociopathic little assholes raised by yuppie cunts who feel saying “no” will stifle the child’s creativity…
Me: I think this diet is gonna work.
Cheese: No.
Personal Trainer: Show me the hardest thing that you do each day.
Me: *Goes out front door of gym, comes back in*
*at Pearly Gates
Cat (in dog costume): Uh bark
St. Peter: Mittens, I said no
Father: I love both my sons equally.
Max: I know that, dad.
Min: I have my doubts.
Under ‘medical history’, we were hoping for something more specific to you personally. You wrote “Fleming discovered penicillin in 1928”.
Doctor: so, how did you injure your rotator cuff?
Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet: TENNIS
The only way I could enjoy a shower more is if my showerhead made a thunder sound when it came on so I could pretend I am a leafy head of lettuce in there
*drives motorized scooter into meeting I’m late for, around the conference table, and out the door*
Me: It actually takes light around 8 minutes to travel from the Sun to Earth.
Her: Umm light is instant. Everyone knows that.
Me: Go home.
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
Every emotion briefly visited to open a jar of pickles.
I’ve often wondered whether baby deer are left or right handed. Turns out they’re bambidextrous.
7yo: I lost my tooth! Now I’ll get $100 from the tooth fairy!
Me: Hey buddy, the tooth fairy needs to make sure all kids get money. Don’t be surprised if you get a dollar or something.
7yo: Then why did the tooth fairy give Ray $100 for her tooth??
The AC guy is coming tomorrow and I expect him to fix all of my typos
Dear media: There’s nothing shocking about celebrities going topless, getting drunk, or falling over.
Let me know when they read a book.
God I hate condescending assholes!
(Condescending is like when smart people talk down to you to try and make you feel stupid)
Some people smoke cigarettes, drink, post too much on social media…I wait for a windy summer day, find a wedding in a park, show up and release thousands of sheets of paper, tripping after them down the aisle through the crowd wailing “my novel!! my novel!”
Me: School tomorrow! Hahahaha!
Child: Work today and for the rest of your life.
Me: Dammit.
if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
I opened the fridge door, but something inside slammed it shut. It’s going to be Uber Eats until we can move out.
I’ll never understand why people buy dogs from breeders when growing your own is free and far more rewarding.
[Date arrives wearing a turtleneck]
Him: What should we do?
Me: May as well just go ahead and dump my body in the woods right now.
I’m always there for my friends when I need them.
I’ve accepted that I’ll probably never say “I’d love to” without sounding sarcastic.
How long do I need to wait after getting the vaccine before I can start wiping my boogers on strangers in public again?
I found a set of keys everyone was looking for in the pub so i’m a magpie now apparently if anyone’s lost any shiny shit
Speechwriter: I have your speech ready, sir. “87 years ago—“
Lincoln: Whoa whoa whoa hang on…
Here’s the complete list of must have items for a middle aged woman when travelling away from home:
– Tweezers
me (watching Predator when the Predator comes on screen): he’s not allowed near schools