Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The nurse said take everything off except bra and panties, but all I have under my dress is a tampon string I wish I could pull to parachute right outta here

I have a friend named Stacy. My husband calls her Tracy. After correcting him several times, we are finally both calling her Tracy.

I’m jealous of Gen Z for missing the era of the “cute top.” I once asked a forum about club outfits ideas and everyone said “jeans and a cute top” and I said “what’s an example of a cute top” and they all just laughed and told me to Google it

Parenthood taught me that if you’re running late and tell your kid to hurry, your kid will be super slow, BUT if you wait patiently, your kid will also be super slow. It doesn’t matter.

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The Chosen Phew

me, flirting: did it hurt?

her: what

me: when you fell from the ugly tree and landed on your face

Cop: ‘You realize you were weaving?’

Me: ‘Technically , it’s called ‘texting’, but yes.’

You god damn morons. All these celebrity nudes were leaked by the Illuminati to distract us from important shit like karate and hoverboards.

The level of giddiness I experience when someone I hate says something stupid in front of an audience is a tiny bit embarrassing.

*dusts off treadmill*

Alright, that’s enough cardio for one day.

Do you have hobbies, or did you decide on marriage instead.

[Raiding ISIS Safehouse]

Green leader: Area secured. Over

Me: Apple Turn. Over

GL: Wha

Me: Extreme make. Over

GL: Take that guy out too

Him: “It’s the end of the world; let’s open that expensive Bordeaux blend.”

Her: “No! We’re saving that one for a special occasion.”

“Of course I’ve tried that!”

– me lying to my doctor about not making a simple lifestyle change he suggested because I’d rather just get a pill to fix it

[showing off my distressed jeans]

jeans: AHHHHHHHHHHH

Fortune Cookie:

For healthy looking skin, don’t get eaten by a bear.

I miss dating

The excitement of meeting someone new, that feeling of butterflies when you see if you can climb out their bathroom window…

god: rabbits

angel: cute. wait, wh-what are they doing

god: ya they do that

angel: they’re multiplying

god: they’ll slow down

angel: they aren’t slowing down

god: holy shit

angel: they won’t stOP FU

[ next day ]

god: porcupines

My kids are fighting and screaming loudly outside. I should probably do something.

*closes window*

9: What are you going to be for Halloween dad?
me: Drunk
9: What’s mom gonna be?
me: Mad

non-fungible…that’s when you’re allergic to mushrooms right?

changed clouds to coulds and now the sky is full of possibilities

Nobody talks about Jesus’ miracle of having 12 close friends in his 30s

you idiots are out here getting your wisdom teeth removed. me? i am having more added. where did you think yours were going? that’s right, my mouth. i have 107 wisdom teeth now. my wisdom has never been higher. i am realizing for the first time that this was not a good idea

fed my baby with a knife* today if you’re wondering how hard core of a dad I am

*blunted, plastic butter knife

Stranger adds me to facebook
*has a panic attack*

Creepy as hell stranger follows on twitter
*does victory dance*

Interviewer: It says here on your resume that you are an overachiever. Care to elaborate?

Me: I’m 35 but my body already feels like it’s 65.

what the hell is this stain?

– a memoir

She danced her way into his heart.

-She was doing the robot tho, so she looked like an idiot.

Being a parent is having your kid say “I went to school today and I didn’t even lose my donkey” and you know exactly what they mean