Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*looks gift horse in the mouth

Gift Horse: Hey, my eyes are up here.

Boeing: we fixed all the problems

Passengers: is that Flex Seal?

If you love something, set it free
If you hate something, do origami
If you’re hungry, go watch a movie
I don’t understand how advice works

HGTV has taught me you can do anything if you have the right tools. I’ve also learned that any handyman you hire will have those tools.

Have single guys scared of the “Friend Zone” even heard of long-term relationships or marriage?

Me to my kids: don’t ever lie

Me serving any kind of meat: it’s chicken

So, this is how my day is going. How about you?

teacher: what did you do over summer vacation?

susie who was possessed by a demon in early july: *hanging upside down from the ceiling* mostly vomited swarms of hell bees at my mom in the hamptons

teacher: wow the hamptons? must be nice

What do you call it when a zoo paints common animals to look like more exotic species?

Fake Gnus

I just want the confidence of my teen who replied “Who’s this?” to a guy who texted her after ghosting her for a month.

i think the scariest thing about entering the witness protection program would be my new astrological sign

Random dm guy: What are you wearing?

Me: A scathing look of disdain

Stress makes you gain weight as you get older.

So I’m basically a puffer fish now.

Make sure you lock your car doors so no one steals your half empty water bottles.

I taught my kid the importance of stop, drop and roll at an early age. Now he never blocks my view of the television.

My wife: hey I’m gonna go get a Brazilian

Me: you can just buy them?

FURNITURE MAKER WHO SECRETLY HATES HIS WIFE: Honey I created a new type of cabinet. I’m gonna name it after you

SUSAN: Aw baby that’s sweet

Would definitely get your blood pumping waking up to that…😳🤣🦏🦮

[In bed with gf]
“Do you have any fantasies?”
Yeah, one. You know your friend Sarah, the hot one?
“Yes.. why?”
I want to hit her with my car

Kid: There’s a monster living in my closet

Monster: do you have any idea how expensive a studio apartment is in this neighborhood

Why do other moms at the playground get all snotty if you ask their husband to push you when you’re on a swing?

[me giving tour of city landmarks]
and on your left you’ll see a corgi in a bandana—he’s not part of the tour but let’s go get a closer look

trying to convince my wife to stop leaving out food for the scarecrow that ominously gets a little closer to the house each night

<during sex>

Me: Can we pretend I didn’t just call you Uncle Joe?

Her: Not sure, it’s pretty disturbing.

Uncle Joe: It didn’t bother me.

The doctor told me that at some point I’ll have to stop partying and I said I’d cross that bridge and find a new doctor.

Well, Boatloaf, it began as a typo.
But as soon as I saw it I knew: one day it would be the name of my son.

The opposite of a meat lover’s pizza is a veggie hater’s pizza, which is weirdly THE SAME THING.

Which is worse: that I had to wear a Frozen bandaid cuz all the regular ones were taken or that I spent 5 min. deciding between Anna & Elsa?

It turns out the only way to get my kids to flush the toilet is for me to be showering when they use it.