somebody seems to be trying real hard to get Gurt’s attention
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i think every presidential candidate should get a worm in their brain. if the worm dies, they are disqualified. if it survives until election day, then the fattest worm wins
You’re on your deathbed. You gather the strength to utter your last words “Boxers with pockets,” you say. “You’ll never have to wear pants.”
INSURANCE REP: I’m afraid you’re going to need more coverage
ME: sorry I couldn’t find my pants this morning
Sue from work says putting zucchini in her brownie makes it incredibly moist. I told Sue I’ve had similar successes.
I’m sorry you’re just not NASA material
“Why?”
Well, you wrote ‘red’ then crossed it out & put ‘human’ under blood type on your application.
– at a ramen restaurant –
Me: slurp
Me: sluuurp
Me: slur-
Friend: stop, the food isn’t even here yet
Me: im practicing leave me alone
[son sees me sleeping outside]
son: did you call mom the n word again
me: but she IS a nagger
Co-Worker: Can I get a quick word?
Me: Velocity.
Co-Worker: …
ME: *sees a puppy*
BRAIN: Your backpack could fit a puppy.
“My middle name is War-and-Peace.”
“What?”
“It’s a long story.”
DIRECTOR: it’s-a me, Mario!
CHRIS PRATT: it is me, Mario.
DIRECTOR: it’s-a me, Mario!
CHRIS PRATT: it is me, Mario.
DIRECTOR: IT’S-A ME, MARIO!
CHRIS PRATT: IT IS ME, MARIO
DIRECTOR: … better.
*Shakespeare resetting his password*
“Enter new password.”
Fortnight
“Your password is two weeks.”
My ex-wife told me to go to hell. She’s fuckin crazy if she thinks I marry her again!
Just saw a girl wearing a “BAD GAL” t-shirt so I yelled “NO!” & smacked her on the nose with a rolled up newspaper.
I was wearing a jean jacket yesterday and a little kid asked me why I made a jacket out of pants and I had no good answer for him
If a really late person marries a really early person they’ll produce an on time child. In theory.
In space, no one can hear your spouse chew.
Can we stop calling it autocorrect and call it what it is… auto-guesstimate-entirely-inaccurately
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
I would have instantly hit ET with a hammer and screamed the entire time
[at Chinese restaurant]
“Hi I’ll have a large goingon”-What is goingon?
“Nothing much, just hungry for some Chinese food”
I was in a district team building meeting today and everyone had to say something they loved. They chose me first and I said vintage Pyrex and the leader said “not your husband or kids?” and this is a level of awkward I’d not experienced yet in life
[walks date home]
HER: Wanna come up for a nightcap?
ME: I gotta work early
HER: I have 2 dogs
ME:[already running up stairs like Rocky]
[band practice]
ME: I want a solo
GUITARIST: you play the tambourine
ME: yeah but *shaking tambourine really fast* check this shit out
doctor: after numerous tests we figured out you were allergic to sagas
me: how?
doctor: it’s a long story
me: [already vomiting]
[IKEA-themed restaurant]
Maitre-d: is your table ready yet?
Batman V Superman 2:
Both men agree their last battle was too destructive
They settle their differences by playing Uno
Loser leaves earth
Husband: You want to have sex?
Me: We probably shouldn’t because I’m coughing.
Husband: Ewww. I didn’t say I wanted to kiss.
Me:
Ulterior motives? Please, I don’t even know why I do things.
“My leg’s been hurting for 20 years.”
* my 6yr old who exaggerates and is also bad at math